Unanswered Questions....

[J_trustno1]

Unanswered questions that'll never leave me...

I have been having thousands and thousands questions as I'm growing older. These questions began popping into my head in 2013 when I was first diagnosed with PTSD and wanted to kill myself by jumping off the bridge.

Can someone please answer my questions? I have these questions for my abusers whenever I'm started to feel down. These include:

Father:
1. What is wrong with being a girl?
2. Why have I been considered dumb all my life only because I couldn't solve questions that required unique approach while my brother could? -

I worked too damn hard just to prove that I was NOT f*cking dumb!!!! I worked hard at school ever since I started primary school. I topped primary school and came third in district but you were NEVER happy because I couldn't come first in a distract full of 200 villages? I worked too f*cking hard at school in NZ, topped English classes despite having English as my third language. Then I had scholarship to first tertiary institute BUT you called me a failure because I did NOT like computer engineering and called me a loser for changing my mind?

To prove you wrong, I studied chemistry. I worked hard without caring about my physical health. I always had dermatitis on my hands, fingers bruised and swollen from chemical sensitivity throughout my undergrad and post-grad JUST to f*cking prove you WRONG that I was NOT dumb!!! Then I did Masters in Chemical engineering, again having dermatitis on hands and breathing problems due to dealing with dust from shells because you were always calling me DUMB in my thoughts and I had to do well in that degree to shut you up!!

You made fun of my height, my weight and looks all because I was a girl?? You aren't tall either! You've always berated me and always cared about my brother BUT WHY?????

THE Pedophile (Mum's brother-in-law):
1. Why did you molest a 9 year old child?
2.Didn't you think it was morally wrong??? Didn't you realise that it would ruin this child's view about sex for life? Didn't you realise how this child has grown to be a 28 year old woman who is still afraid of men and has NEVER had a relationship? Didn't you realise that this adult child is struggling with the thought of sex every single day?

3. Did you ever think about what impact this would have on this child when she grows up? Did it ever cross your mind that this adult survivor freezes even when a male hugs her and grosses out about sex ?

4. Did you ever f*cking think that she will suffer and struggle with relationships?

Mum's narcissistic brother:
1. Why did you force a 12 year child into labor while your kids NEVER worked till they were over 20? Why were there different rules for your kids and me?

2. Why did you publicly humiliated me? Why did you emotionally and verbally abused me?


Conclusion:

Can someone please answer my questions? Will ever stop asking these questions? Will I ever start having respect for men and not think of them as horny, ruthless pigs? Will I ever grow past how my father treated me?

Will I ever be able to be in a relationship and actually be intimate with someone? The whole idea of relationships remind me of my father and his abusive nature. I don't wish to be with a man who discriminates between male and female. I want someone who sees no difference between a male or a female child.

The whole idea of intimacy just reminds me of the pedophile. Sex grosses me out and it worries me that I will NEVER let anyone touch me and will never have a successful relationship.

Sorry for asking too many questions but these questions have been stuck in my head.

P.S. I am seeking therapy. Therapy has helped me a lot with my other areas of life and has helped me with my self-esteem. I am doing things that I used to avoid previously due to my fear but I know that I have long way to go. I feel I will never enjoy or have intimacy in life and my relationship is going to be abusive like my parents :( :cry: :depressed: :(

 

[Ed Norton]

Oh Jass, these questions really never get answered. They have a sickness of character that's beyond normal explanation...there's no good excuse...I have my own questions for people and I feel that pressure on my chest and lead in my stomach because it hurts so bad...I supress it but then it festers, I obsess then I go to depression.

You may know what some of the stuff I'm referring to. There's no good answers or reasons

:hug:s

 

[Stickler]

Your Dad...
A lot of the abuse he gave you was likely abuse he received as a child.
Scapegoating is projecting one's unacceptable feelings onto another person and abusing that part of oneself by proxy.


Pedophiles...well, they generally think they are doing no harm( not like those horrible child abusers over THERE) ...or they really don't care. But they often think that they are not harming the kid if they are the type that grooms the child. Obviously? if they are violent, that doesn't apply, but only a minority of abusers get off from causing pain and fear in their victims. Most of them think they aren't doing anything wrong.:mad:

Narcissistic brother?
His children are extensions of himself. Trophy children. Little trophies on his shelf.
He didn't anyone else in the family to have such lovely, SHINY trophies on their shelves! To the degree that he could prevent that, he wanted to.
...Now, because your dad was culturally indoctrinated to value boys, your narcissistic uncle could NOT get at your brother.
...He could get at you and make you miserable...so he did...because it made his children shine more?
And thereby...HIMSELF!
Ta-da!

Why your mom went with that?
Your mom was probably scapegoating you as well in that aspect.
However, it is probably the way girls in her family were treated? boys go to school, but girls have to work to support the family?
...There may have been jealousy at work with your mom.(why does SHE get to go to school, when I had to work when I was her age?)

 

[Stickler]

I should note. All that is educated guesses.

 

[Friday]

No answer excuses their behavior. Some things are simply wrong.

 

[scout86]

What do YOU think the answers are?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

There are no excuses for the way you were abused. No answers. Monsters do not deal with confrontation, apologize and try to make you whole. They don't they won't. Deny and abuse. I gave up on thinking, hoping that confrontation with any of them would help. It does not undo the harm. I hate the "just move on" comments from bystanders. That is also another denigration.

You know you are smart and a good person. Damn the abuses. There is no way to understand how these monsters do what they do. Accepting what they did does not heal either. Hold on the all you know about who you are don't let their slime define you.

I too am challenged with intimacy, trust. For me it helped to have a good friend that I baby steps was able to tolerate platonic holding and touching. Big step for me as I have to use wash clothes or loofas to shower, wash, wear full clothing to bed so no skin to skin touch. Perhaps try finding a healing massage therapist, many are now educated in trauma work. Baby steps. What I found during these "exposure therapy" is that it does release trauma which can feel overwhelming, but it was from releasing, not fear, not revulsion. Lots of tears and trembling, but then a calming.

Terrible to have one of life's joys, connections disconnected.