Uncle's Funeral is Tomorrow

[Booknerd]

Actually, he is my uncle in law and we were not close. But for one thing, funerals are an uncomfortable place/time for me. Not only that, I'm afraid that my ex-Stepmonster will be there. My husband is going with me for support and I really appreciate him coming. I feel guilty for thinking all about me when I should be thinking about my Aunt and cousin.

I have "cut" myself off from most of my family since they remind me of my childhood. At any time anyone of them could have stepped up and helped me and my sister but chose not to see it or do anything about it except help to spread gossip about my Mother.

I have a thing about church and organized religion too. I follow my own code of beliefs. I am moral and believe in a higher power but those people in that little small town are the biggest buch of hippocrites that I've ever seen. And any time we go around a "church thing" DH brings up how we need to start taking our child to church so he can learn about God. Then we argue. That's why I take my son hiking with me so he can see the glory of the earth and Mother Nature. We teach him values and being a good person etc...but I don't need some self righteous pervert in a suit telling me that I'm going to hell because I listen to the wrong kind of music. Wow has this gone off track or what? You guys wouldn't know that I have issues would you?

Back to the funeral. I have a plan. I will take my anxiety med. Practice deep breathing and focus on my breathing when/if I feel a panic attack coming on. Any other suggestions? I could use the input.
Thanks

 

[Mina]

Hi, Booknerd - I wish I had some good advice, other than I hope it goes okay for you! Sounds like you are off to a good start with the anxiety med and focus on deep breathing. It's amazing what just good, deep breaths can do. And remember - you can get through this! We're all behind you! :thumbs-up

And I don't blame you about the church aspect (and the hypocrisy too, I hear you there!). After I moved out, my family used to get on my case about spending Sunday mornings out skiing instead of inside in church. My response was, what better way to appreciate creation and see the hand of the Creator than being outside! Personally, I feel closer to God looking at beautiful scenery and marvelling over the incredible things around me than I do inside a building.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Booknerd,

You have lots of support "over here"!
-Be kind to yourself and remember "nothing bad lasts forever either".
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[midi]

Funerals are difficult experiences. Focusing on breathing is a good idea. I'm not sure if it's over or not, but hopefully it goes ok...

 

[pandora]

Hi Booknerd....

Last year I was dating someone for a short while, 6 weeks and during that time his brother died. I have a huge problem with funerals and they are very triggering and my symptoms skyrocketed. I did not go to the funeral but I was looking after myself and I had to put myself first. He broke up with me because of it...at least I think that is why anyway.....

It is ok IMO...if you put yourself first,,you stated that you werenèt very close and there are others that are going to be there that will make you feel. You have to make the best decision for you considering all the aspects, if it is going to make you more ill...I donèt know when I had this problem. I took care of myself first. I made it ok in my own mind and had a little discussion in my own mind and made it ok with GOD and I. I have been in the past religious and do beleive in a very understanding higher power.

So...that was what I did when confronted with this problem. We just had a family funeral about 2 months ago, my Moms brother and again I had the same feeling toward it. I did not want to get sicker. I spoke to my grandmother and gave my condolences but just explained that it was too upsetting for me. I also know that there were quite a few other family members (as there were 12 of them) that did not go. At the end of the day it has to be a decision you are comfortable with and can live with. I just and may never be that strong and I am ok with that now but it did take alot of self reflection and thinking...writing out the positives and negatives helps. Also having someone in your every day life that may be experiencing this kind of anxiety might be a good person to talk to too. In writing this it looks like the funeral was today....I hope you were able to make it through and I am sending my condolences and a hug. Please take good care of yourself. Sorry I just rambled!!!!! A little too late.

 

[Booknerd]

I did not have a problem at the funeral. Hooray. I kept it together. Though it sometimes felt that my Aunt's sadness was going to overwhelm me. I wish I had visited with her more and helped her instead of avoiding my family. The problem was on the ride home.
My Aunt's oldest son died in a car crash when I was around 8yrs old. Two cars full of teens were playing chicken. For years I was told that my cousin was pulled out before both cars caught on fire. On the way home from the funeral, out of the blue, my MOTHER decided to start talking about it. I'm glad I was not driving because she told a very different story about how the teens all burned to death in the cars and the neighbors that had come down to help couldn't get them out. I told her that my cousin didn't die in the car-He got out...remember? DH is telling her to change the subject and she just keeps going on about how it happened and how all of them must have suffered and the screams of those trapped teenagers. And that my cousin burned up too. I am hearing this for the first time. Then DH tells her to talk about something else. She just won't shut up. So I tell her that I can't talk about that and I start talking about picking up my son from daycare and taking her home and she brings up all this emo crap that happened to her so long ago and how she doesn't think that my now deceased uncle cheated on my Aunt though everyone always thought so...on and on and she lives in the past. She reveled in past problems and tragedies that happened. All the could have beens and should have beens. Even my husband couldn't get her off of her tirade. We get to my car and I tell MOTHER to get in the car while I tell my DH bye. I'm feeling a little panicky and depressed but I get in the car and smile. I talked the whole time about groceries, cooking, my cell phone, my diet, stopped and ran some errands and she was silent. Thinking about the past I suppose(her version). How MOTHER turned my Aunt's day/loss into all about her is usual. I just kept talking and wouldn't let her say a thing all the way to her house. I had talked so much my throat was sore. She must have thought I was on an ADD high. (I have that too) Leaving her house, I had a panic attack. I had enough in me to make it to a closed business where I parked and let it wash over me and then do some breathing exercises. I have learned from Pdoc that if I just let it happen and not fight it, the attack is not as bad. He was right. I had been doing so well this was the first bad attack in almost 2 months. I don't tell anyone of the panic attacks because I feel ashamed over the loss of control. But I'm getting better, less attacks, more control. Or maybe it's the illusion of control.
But wait, it gets better. At around 8pm my son cuts his finger on a box cutter that was hidden. Those little ones are good about finding hidden forbidden objects. I held pressure but couldn't get it to stop bleeding so I jump back into the clothes I was in earlier and we go to the nearest ER. The staff was great. Stephen got stitched up and only cried a little bit. Being a nurse, I let children cry if they want to and look if they want to. DH is telling son not to look and think about something else. I looked at him and he must have seen something in my eyes because the nurse and him stared at me and shut up. I ignore them and look at my son and tell him that he is being very brave and if wants to cry he can and he can watch if he wants to. I told him he would feel a sting but then the medicine would numb his finger. After the numbing shots, DS looks while the stitches go in. He thought it was cool. He got cleaned up and was ready to go. Children his age need to feel a little control and to be told the truth and sometimes it helps and sometime it doesn't. But I think they fear less when they see what is going on (after the shots usually). But that is my opinion. I've had to do it other ways with kids too. You get creative after a while. What's funny is when I got home I realized my shirt is on inside out and my pants are on backward. NO one said a word.
So with the bitter comes the sweet or something like that. I'm going to work on seeing some of my family again and try not to be so distant. I did it to protect myself but I need to open up a little. "I am an amazing adult who has overcome abuse and other trauma and I have a good life."(This is what I have been told and maybe I'm starting to believe it.) I am going to live it the best that I can. I am going to try not to make the same mistakes with my son and try to forgive and forget. Except for ex-stepmonster. I'm still gonna pee on her grave.

 

[Mina]

Wow...sounds like a tough day of it. Good for you, Booknerd!! You handled some difficult situations quite well, especially holding your mother at bay whilst you two were alone in the car. Well done :clap: