Uncontrollable Anxiety Attacks

[Blackjack]

This is not entirely linked to my PTSD however I firmly believe that it is made worse by it and that one sets off the other.

About three years ago now, my father had a mini stroke which whilst he recovered from physically left him with dementia. Eventually after a year of us trying to cope with him at home like it, matters were taken out of our hands and the health service said that he had to go into a nursing home for his and our own safety and well being. I struggled greatly with this as I have always been much closer to my dad than to my narssisstic mother. My mother predictably has been 'its all about me and how I feel' about it ever since and according to her him being in the care home, his health and anything to do with him should not bother me, it should only be a problem to her.

My father is 87 and generally in reasonable health apart from arthritis that limits his mobility greatly and the dementia. However, every so often he has times when he just does not seem right, he will be very sleepy, you cannot get through to him, he will fall asleep whilst eating or not even be able to feed himself. All of this I find incredibly distressing and it is inclined to bring on anxiety attacks that I cannot control. I get no support or help from my mum over this what so ever.

Basically I guess, I am just terrified of something happening to him and loosing him. I love him so much and he was always the one that was there for me much more than my mother. I just don't know how I will cope when the time does come and each time he is a bit off colour, it just sets off big anxiety/panic attacks with me, espite my mother telling me that I am just over reacting. Maybe I am but regardless of that I cannot help it, it just happens. Then that seems to stir up the whole PTSD side of it and I end up in a huge, anxious and stressed state again. With dad being the age that he is, I know we will not have him for ever, but I just cannot cope with the thought of it and once something sets me off again, it goes on for ages and I just cant deal with it. It occupies my every waking thought. I am guessing it is all tied in to the PTSD, but really not sure. Any thoughts or opinions or ideas on how to cope would be good as so over anxious again at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate similar yet different situation. My husband was diagnosed with Parkinsons and Lewy Body Dementia and he last three years after his diagnosis. He died. I found it was very hard to care for him twentyy four seven and it was probably the hardest thing I ever had to face in my life and deal with. I know that your dad is your good parent and this disease is insidious and I had a lot of anxiety attacks while taking care of him.

Everything is sort of crashing on top of you all at once it seems. Sending you healing hugs. The only thing you can do is make him comfortable as possible and keep on telling him how much you love him. I have no advice concerning your mom but from what you have described this is going to be hard on you and no wonder you have so much anxiety.:hug::bawling:

 

[Blackjack]

Hi Gizmo, that is exactly how I feel right now. It is as if everything is just falling down on me and I can't do anything about it. It is just one thing after another. The PTSD diagnosis, quite a few of my friends turning their back on me when I needed their help and support, not being able to tell either my husband or mother about my diagnosis as they are totally against anything mental health related so having to cope without any support at home and to hide my anxiety and panic attacks as best as I can, injuring my shoulder which is going to be a long, disabling and painful recovery, the constant worry about dad, mum being as she is. I am trying so hard to stay cheerful and positive but I am finding it harder and harder and the anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks are getting worse not better. I have times when it feels like I am in the middle of a total breakdown.

Dad is ok, there is nothing we can do about his dementia but otherwise he is mostly ok but when he does have a funny session it just freaks me out totally.

Mum has been difficult again this evening, I was in trouble for wearing my sling despite that it's only a week tomorrow since it was put back in place and I was told I was not to use or move my arm and I could be in it for up to 6 weeks day and night or face surgery on it but according to her I don't need it and am just making a fuss.

I am in a lot if pain, I am not coping with the PTSD and I am just at my whits end right now I really am.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Do you live with your mom? She is so wrong and cruel to treat you this way. I am appalled that she is telling you not to do what the doctors have oredered you to do.:hug:

 

[Blackjack]

Hi Gizmo, yes my Hubbie and I live with her. She has a real issue with anything like that. The doctors have laid it on the line that if I don't take care of it then it will be surgery as I have injured it badly. I am in an awful lot of pain but she doesn't care about that. I can't sleep properly but she doesn't care about that either. She thinks she knows better than the doctors and said it has all been exagerrated.

No wonder I feel like I do!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow I agree with you no wonder you are having such a bad time, she sounds extremely toxic for you and it is a shame that you live with her. Just keep on doing what the doctors tell you to do and take care of yourself. Do you have a safe place in your home where you can get away from your mom?:hug:

 

[Blackjack]

She is very toxic! My only escape is when I go to bed at night or go to work. I am following exactly what the docs are telling me. To be honest I cannot cope without the sling at the moment, it's bad enough taking it off to wash and dress as it has a strap that does round my waist to immobilise my arm and shoulder and I need that to make the pain bearable. She will just have to put up with it but it just causes so much anxiety for me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What you are currently experiencing with her is making me sick to my stomach. Angry at her I suppose for giving you so much crap right now. I hope that maybe while at work you can sort of have ideas about turning your bedroom into a safe place for you. I have a friend with a abusive dad and she always escapes into her bedroom to get away from him when he goes off on her. Just an idea toss it if it is not for you.:hug:

 

[Blackjack]

I do try to escape to our room but the trouble is she just doesn't respect privacy or anything! She will just come barging in regardless. I can't even nap on the settee without her shouting at me to wake me up. The day that I had my shoulder put back, I came home and just wanted to rest as it was quite an ordeal but oh no, she just kept going on and on at me, having a go that I had been to get it treated and waking me up whenever I dozed off. Sadly Hubbie and I just can't afford to move out or we would. It's no wonder I am ill!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Wow all I can say is begin to save money so you can move out That woman is impossible to live with and no wonder your symptoms are so extrememe. Well keep on writing about what is going on surely someone here can come up with some helpful suggestions for you to put into practice. The only thing I can think of is getting locks for the bedroom so you can escape her. She may bitch, moan and complain but that would stop her and give you a break.:hug:

 

[Blackjack]

I just don't know what to do to be honest. I am totally and utterly at the end of my tether with it all I really am. I felt like I was making some progress with it all, my counsellor is lovely and very helpful, but this morning I just don't know what to do with myself. I am sat at my desk at work feeling as anxious and as close to the edge as it is possible to be and just really scared I will have another big panic attack. I so do not want that to happen, especially at work. I am hyper sensitive again this morning too, the slightest sound is freaking me and I just feel so scared and alone. I so wish my husband and I could move out but there is just no chance of that happening sadly. It is difficult for me to even escape to a friends as she creates such a major scene if I go out in the evenings, telling me that she spends all day on her own which she hates, and that I should be more considerate and supportive of her and be there in the evenings for her. OK, I could just argue back and tell her to get lost but the atmosphere that she then causes becomes unbearable and I do not want to have to live with that, least of all at the moment. I came close to being hospitalized by my counsellor very recently and I am not prepared to take that risk again so its easier to just keep the peace. I am 50 years old but being treated like a 5 year old and because its her house, she makes the rules.

If anyone gets fed up with listening to me moaning all the time, please just say - I don't want to be a nuisance or to bore people.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that this woman is such a tyrant! If I were you I would go out anyway. I understand that you are not doing so well right now, but you will be okay, you are getting help and coping the best you can. Plus you are getting it out here on the forum which releases the feelings and helps you to think. I understand that you are just keeping the peace and it makes sense because you are so fragile right now.