Undiagnosed Undiagnosed

[Racheal]

Hi, i have suffered so much trauma in my childhood and teenage years im 49, I have felt like im a gold fish in a bowl watching the world go by all people living whilst I stand still cant move on. I think ive been masking for years and not doing things out of my comfort zone so I dont trigger the feelings of shame unworthyness fear failure negative self talk. I know now im having emotional flash backs I feel so messed up! Years of drugs to cover the pain. Ive had counselling which obviously back then was facing the abuse, it helped but i didnt know ive been suffering with CPTSD untill recently connecting with thing reading up. Im so alone I push everyone away I isolate myself I over think over analyse, I think of every eventuality negatively. I help support and guide others but im lost in this mental prison. I have a mental health phone call 5/1/26 please prayer for me that someone gets me the appointment I need. I just feel life isn't worth living like this. Im living im just surviving. Its good to know im not alone. Ive been reading thanks for your story's x

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi, i have suffered so much trauma in my childhood and teenage years im 49, I have felt like im a go...

Hi there, welcome to MyPTSD! First off, I just want to say huge hugs for sharing all this here—wow, what incredible courage it takes to put your story out there like that, especially after carrying it for so long. At 49, realizing you've been masking those deep wounds from childhood and teen years, spotting those emotional flashbacks, and connecting the dots to CPTSD? That's not "messed up"—that's you being brave and insightful, breaking free from that goldfish bowl feeling bit by bit.

I hear you on the shame, unworthiness, fear, and that relentless negative self-talk—it's like a prison, right? And using drugs to numb it, pushing people away, overthinking every angle... so many of us have walked that exact road. The good news? Those emotional flashbacks are a classic CPTSD thing—they're your body's way of yelling "hey, that old stuff is still here," but naming them is the first step to gentling them down. You've already helped yourself by reading up and spotting the patterns, and helping others while you're in it? That's real strength shining through.

Fingers crossed so hard for that 5/1/26 call—it sounds like a lifeline, and you're so right to reach for it. You're not alone in surviving mode (we've all been there), and just knowing that? It's a game-changer. Life can shift from surviving to truly living, one tiny step at a time. You've got this, and we're here cheering you on.

Warmest welcome—drop in anytime. xoxo
Riley

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - glad you found us.

I just feel life isn't worth living like this. Im living im just surviving

I think most folks here will relate to this. There are definitely times when we are just surviving, and sometimes barely that.

It gets better, though. It gets worth it. And in the meantime, there’s places like this one, where you aren’t alone:)

 

[arfie]

hello rachael. welcome to the forum. may healing carry you from survivor to thriver.

i hope you find stabilizing companionship here.

 

[PamelaS]

Hi, i have suffered so much trauma in my childhood and teenage years im 49, I have felt like im a gold fish in a bowl watching the world go by all people living whilst I stand still cant move on. I think ive been masking for years and not doing things out of my comfort zone so I dont trigger the feelings of shame unworthyness fear failure negative self talk. I know now im having emotional flash backs I feel so messed up! Years of drugs to cover the pain. Ive had counselling which obviously back then was facing the abuse, it helped but i didnt know ive been suffering with CPTSD untill recently connecting with thing reading up. Im so alone I push everyone away I isolate myself I over think over analyse, I think of every eventuality negatively. I help support and guide others but im lost in this mental prison. I have a mental health phone call 5/1/26 please prayer for me that someone gets me the appointment I need. I just feel life isn't worth living like this. Im living im just surviving. Its good to know im not alone. Ive been reading thanks for your story's x

Welcome to the forum Rachael. You have found a safe place with people who understand because they have been there. You are no longer alone. We are all here to share our experiences and encourage one another. Glad to have you. You are always welcome here. No judgment. I will be praying for you that you find hope and healing here and encouragement to keep looking forward to a better future.

 

[Rose White]

Hi and welcome! Hope you find some comfort and connection here.

 

[PlainJane]

Welcome :)