Unfamiliar With This Feeling

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not alone. I was scared this morning and I felt little. I asked myself what was the thoughts that were causing me to be so scared. No answer came so I journaled and eventually the feeling went away.

When I began therapy and began to really feel, It was awful going through that. Being needy was just not an option for me growing up in a highly toxic and abusive family.

I began to eventually begin to wonder what my needs and wants were, because I was so self protected and it was feeling dangerous to need. But that is not a healthy way to live.

I agree that you could phone or email your therapist and tell your therapist to help you figure out what you wanted and needed. I now find that when I meet a need or want, I still struggle with meeting that need or want but when I manage to do so, I always feel better.

You are just getting to know the real you. and it is scary and dangerous and very real. It is like a flashback. But I agree that this will pass with help and attention and that is a need and want and you deserve to start there. I wish you the very best.

 

[mytai]

@Born to Run I'm going to do the lesser of the two scary things right now and email T and tell her about feeling little. At least she will know before next week.

@Pencil it wasn't a dumb idea, I tried reading it but just the feeling little thing is making it hard to understand anything not related to me right now. I feel very guilty and self centred, but I don't mean to be that way. I'm just not understanding it. I'm sure I will understand it better when this feeling goes away. My first instinct is to try and put her away until I see T because this is new and scary and I don't know what will happen. I hope T sees it as a breakthrough if that's what it is, I just feel really crazy right now. I felt so much like a healthier adult for the last month, I don't like not feeling that way.

@gizmo I don't want to be or feel needy either. I want so much to only need me, but all I feel I need right now is T.

 

[Eleanor]

@mytai this is a perfectly good time to call your T. I suspect a little reassurance over the phone would go a long way. It is really really hard for little people to understand what is going on. If the adult part of you can stay a little present, even just a little bit, and take care of the little one it will help. You are safe now (I'm not seeing you say it is not, so...). What does the little one want/need? Can you get her that? What would be soothing? Can the adult part of you talk to her a bit, say what you'd say to any little one who was kind of lost. Comforting things. "It's ok, I'm here, it is going to be alright. It is ok to feel your feelings and cry or yell or stomp your feet. Its not ok to hurt others, but it is ok to feel your feelings." Stuff like that.

My H almost always came out of his episodes within 72 hours. Mostly they were shorter, like 48. It is scary tho.

Sending comforting energy to all the parts of you...

 

[mytai]

@Eleanor I emailed T, don't want to be too needy and call her, I told her I feel needy just by emailing her. I don't know what it wants or needs, I don't know how to even find out what it needs. I'm not comfortable with this feeling at all, I don't know how to sit with it, how to fix it, how to make it go away. I'm scared the feeling won't go away before work tomorrow. Thanks for the energy. I hope T emails back with some ideas on how to make it stop.

 

[Born to Run]

It will be easier on you if you accept that it will not just go away, that you can not fix it today, just let it be as it is. It is very unfortunate that you felt so much better the last month, and now this. Usually, when you get to feel better = stronger, the parts that are still not better will make themselves known. They know that you are now more capable to handle those more painful parts. None of us likes not feeling like a healthy adult.

 

[Teasel]

Hi @mytai, sounds like an emotional flashback to me? Can be v frightening

Here is a list of things you can do to help calm yourself when that happens x
http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm

1. Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback"...The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.
2. Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present."
   
3. Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.
4. Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally..
   
5. Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.
6. Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)
7. Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.
   Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

 

[Eleanor]

Hugs if you accept the my tai. I am so so sorry you are feeling uncomfortable. It is a rotten feeling. Here is a suggestion for "sitting with it."

Make yourself a cup of tea (or whatever you like) find someplace comfortable to sit. Light a candle. Drink a little tea. Put the tea down. Stare at the candle and try not to think too much - don't get involved in the the thinking, just hang out with the little feeling in a friendly way. Do this a tiny tiny bit at a time. Like you were trying to approach a bird. Or a feral cat. A teeny bit. Now and then. Otherwise, just stay there, and the the feeling be where it is. We are all just being here now. If you have a happy poem or a mantra or a song you could recite/chant/sing for a bit. A lot of people find this grounding.

I agree with @Born to Run, you cannot "fix" it today. And you probably can't "make" it go away without doing yourself some serious harm. Ask nicely, after you have hung out for a while, if it could please just go to sleep while you work tomorrow. You'd really appreciate that. Don't make yourself wrong for having this feeling. Feelings just are.

The gentler you can be with yourself, and the more you can bring yourself not to reject and resist this feeling... the more quickly it will .... integrate.

It is perfectly normal to be phobic of the bits when they appear. Whatever feeling is coming up, be assured that the adult you has healthy and productive ways of dealing with that feeling that the little part is unaware of. At some point it will be helpful to share that.

I hope your T emails you soon.

 

[mytai]

@Berlinda I don't know if this is a flashback, I've had a lot of different types of flashbacks over the years - auditory, visual, physical, various combinations of those three. This feels different. It's the feeling itself that scares me. I feel like a combination of reading all those comments from teachers that knew the real me, and then the teachers that only knew the changed me, and sharing it with my T brought this on.

@Eleanor I will give that a try. I hope she emails me soon too. I know it's only been 1.5 hours since I emailed her, but it feels a lot longer than that.

 

[Powder]

@mytai

Oh, hun, I've been there and back so many times. It's like you're in limbo between "back then/little" and "now" but neither, really, disconnected.

This little girl is a wonderful, albeit afraid to come out, part of you that you're now able to welcome home for good. Let us not judge her. Everything that wise little girl did, she did so that you'd make it to today, and thank goodness, YOU DID! And I, and many others, are glad you did.

Someone on this site told me to give myself a hug when this happened. I sat, like you, on the floor or lower to the floor, and rocked myself and hugged my own body, imaging I am hugging and rocking "little me" and as I let "little me" cry, "adult me" said out loud, "it's okay, I'm here now, you are safe now."

This lasted for as long as it needed to, maybe 20 minutes. Then, it melted away and my spirit lifted.

I'm not saying that there are not other fragmented selves to integrate, because there are, but you will get better at this fast, especially if you are willing to treat your "inner children" with total love and respect, as you would a real child in need in front of you. Give yourself 100% total unconditional love and whatever comforting you feel led to in the moment.

Real, physical comfort is very concrete and works best for "littles." Give yourself a drink of cold water or hot tea/chocolate, a lavender bath, a cozy robe, a hug, rocking in a chair, on the floor, hug a bear, whatever you want.

Stream a "puppy party" or something a child would delight in that is also non-triggering and notice if your inner child appreciates and lightens in mood.

I'd say it's kind of a flashback and kind of a fragment, a split off child ego state, I call a "living memory of me" that now must be honored for her sacrifice to get me here.

I honor and return the love now.

You may feel inclined to invent your own way of imagining this process as you go, and whatever helps without further distancing of yourself to yourself is valid and healing.

It's going to be not only okay, but you will feel stronger and more whole and powerful when you let your little one be validated as correct; her feelings are correct for what she went through.

Also, I say, you are strong and brave to be here in this time, healing yourself to this level, and I thank you and commend you for it X 1,000. I wish everyone were as you are.

 

[mytai]

@Muse Thanks for the suggestions and kind words. Maybe I will put on Despicable Me, I like it even as an adult but it's a kid movie and non triggering.

I feel like it's ok to be abusive and mean to this feeling. I'm not harming myself physically in any way. I have a hard time feeling sympathy for this little feeling, I just want to shove it back into the locked closet it broke out of. I don't want to take time to help it, I just want to be functional again until I can see T next week.

 

[Powder]

Yes, I'd watch that, or put the music on when you can't watch.

Even though you feel like it's okay to be abusive to this feeling, it's part of you, and you wouldn't be presenting yourself with a part of yourself in need of love it you were not capable of giving it.

These experiences and emotions are all valid and important to record and connect up. I have felt this way, too, and it doesn't mean anything bad at all. It's good, you're hard at work integrating your life experience in order to slowly gain strength.

Just make sure to take only one step at a time, and hold your head high.

I've used the flashback management steps above, and even using one of the steps, is helpful for me to move into more positive ways of handling this when it happens, versus going fully into the flashback/past and getting lost there (in hell).

Validate the flashback memory and emotion, but don't go into the closet, save and bring anyone in there out.

I'm holding stuff back, all the time; always have. All child survivors who used dissociation may have to do this on some level to make it through. Unfinished business with the past doesn't have to leave you emotionally bankrupt now. You can keep your head above water by adding positive resources to your tool kit.

Like, simple things I do is get myself a glass of water during flashback, text my supporter (like you did with the email) that I'm having a new flashback, post here (which you did) and put on the movie. Eat popcorn, and make sure to do self-care of the body in all areas, assuring safety, and keeping to your routine.

I'm here and I'll be checking this thread for a few days to make sure you are okay. XOXO Muse

 

[mytai]

T never emailed last night, I eventually fell asleep. I hoped the little feeling would go away when I slept. The little feeling is still here and stronger in some ways.