Unfamiliar With This Feeling

[mytai]

Update: Someone in my building called the cops to my door. Something about sounding like someone was being hurt/tortured/crying/screaming... if I didn't feel crazy before, I certainly do now. It took a long time trying to convince them not to forcibly take me to the hospital. They ended up staying until the mobile crisis team could get there and take over for them. Little was not nice to me, little did something to make my hip bruise. I feel like little needs to be punished. I feel like all my boundaries are being violated, but instead it's something in me that's violating all my boundaries. Don't want to email T tonight, I will just tell her tomorrow in the update from my neurologist appointment she wants.

@Muse I understand some of what you're saying. I will read it again on another day I don't feel so little to understand the rest. I won't use my mum because she's not safe to me, but I can try and picture someone else who is or seems safe. It seems like it's going to be a lot of trial and error to find something that works. T holding my hand helps, and her voice. It doesn't matter what she says, it's her tone, she's got a soft safe voice, her voice isn't scary at all. She isn't loud, just soft voice. I hope little goes away long enough when I see her next week so I can talk to her a bit about what happened this week and what I find helpful that she does. Thanks for the video Muse. :hug:

 

[Eleanor]

What @Muse said.

I'm sorry your little is having such a totally rough time, and that you are getting pulled along for the ride @mytai.

Do your best to be kind to little. Sometimes little ones lash out and hurt adults - and we are big, we need not react to it in a negative way. Very littles never need to be punished. They need to be helped out. Comforted, redirected. There is no point punishing a three year old or younger. Ever. It models the exactly wrong things. Tell her she hurt you, and that you don't appreciate that, and please don't do it in the future as it hurts her too. Say these things out loud.

A lot of this work is done in imagination too. My talking to my younger selves is all done in imagination. I imagine adult me hugging or comforting younger me(s). If you go back and forth have the adult part try to remember the young part's actions just then, and have the adult part imagine the younger part and talking to/touching them in a gentle and compassionate way.

Maybe your T could make a soothing voice recording for you. And give you something to hug, a teddy or something like that to take home with you.

 

[Born to Run]

Yes, good point @Eleanor about the imagination. Visualization. I know I could also never think of any mother comforting me, because they are monsters. I often used big dogs that helped me, like a Saint Bernard, or one of my rabbits.
I am very sorry for what you went through this afternoon. I am real glad you see your therapist tomorrow. Hang in there, stay strong. :hug:

 

[mytai]

@Born to Run I came back home after my Dr appointment today because little got worse. I don't see T today, she just wanted me to email her an update after my appointment. I don't see T until Monday.

 

[Born to Run]

Don't want to email T tonight, I will just tell her tomorrow in the update from my neurologist appointment she wants.

Sorry this sentence I must have misinterpreted then. I thought you would see T tomorrow. :(

 

[mytai]

I thought you would see T tomorrow. :(

I wish, I need T. Tried alternate resources but they can't help today and said to go to the hospital. That's not an option.

 

[Born to Run]

Is it not possible to get an extra appointment before the weekend? Did you ask? When I tell my therapist, I really need to see him before a next session, he will always try to fit that in. Happened just a few times.

 

[mytai]

I didn't ask because T sees me pro bono, and I can't ask that of her.

 

[Eleanor]

You could ask. It doesn't hurt her to ask, and it is important for you. If she cannot she will say so. Really.

 

[mytai]

I know it doesn't hurt her to ask, but I think it will hurt little if she can't and I asked. I know that it isn't rejection if it is just me asking, but little seems to take everything personally.

Example: I tried calling this afternoon to go see, or have a mobile team come see me. I tried twice, but both times they were out with someone else. Normally I would take that exactly as it was told to me, that they are currently with someone else and to try back later. But little had a melt down and wasn't nice to me.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@mytai I just sent you a BBM message. Please let me know if you got it or not on here. I hope you and little are doing better and getting a good nights sleep! :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

Just keep checking in here ok until you see your therapist. You are not alone and maybe we can just help a bit by just being with you here :hug: