****Update*****
So I brought up my feelings from the last session and tried to come to some closure as I am also moving on from this therapist.
I listed the three questions asked me by her and she responded that she did not remember the context and I should bring up my feelings right at the time. It was good she said to bring it afterwards, but during the time is better. I noted her deflection or I perceived this response as deflection because she was dismissing it is also normal for adult not to always response to anger right away.
I told her that in most of my relationships (except my husband because we have access to each other a lot), I usually take my time and try to make sense of my feelings rather than just blurting them out as I feel them. I like to create a distance so I can assess and then bring up the issues in cooler head. She did not agree. (I will elaborate about this later).
I brought up the point that she told me she could protect herself (when I apologized about sharing graphic details of my past). I said I felt she was defensive and I felt the same after that and nothing she said after was heard. I shut myself to her but again, I needed to digest and make sense of it afterwards and that is why I was bringing it up in this session. I said you did not need to defend yourself because it was my story and me showing empathy or enough to care should not warrant a defense. She could not look at me so I took it as affirmative. She said perhaps then she could have kept her mouth shut and listen more. I did not reply.
The lessons I took from this session are few:
No one can really, in all fairness of the world, replace the miss-attunement with my mother when I was baby. I think the best thing that can come out of therapy for me is I recognize when I am aiming for mother feelings toward my therapist and that realization is a wake up call and what I do with it is truly my healing. but the recognition of my aim is the most satisfying to now I am stuck on some sort of a mill.
Just bringing up these feelings was very vulnerable for me because I already had sense that I was vulnerable talking about how hurt I was as a child and felt she could not really be there with me and at the end, even my lovely husband is not always there with me all the time and just the mere of acknowledging how as a little baby i was not there for and at the top of that I was assaulted if I asked for anything is enough to wake me up from the fog of trauma. This is the sense I got in this session.
Writing is a form of cognition so putting this online is kind of retroactive way of analyzing myself but I actually felt more empathy for the therapist for trying to re-engineer for primal attunement that only a mother and a baby can have. I think by recognizing this so consciously, I can no longer work with her because it means I have to force unconscious myself to repair that miss-attunment I had with my mother which in reality, I do nt have with my husband, for example. I feel it is sort of compulsion in me but not one that is over-arching all my intimate relationship. Definitely it is showing up more in therapy which in my head = to development phases.
In short, I decided to move on to a new therapist and start with the unknown.
I feel today that when I feel so much here & now with the therapist, there is no therapy anymore. We are just two equal adults in a room. I think for recognition of any lingering trauma feelings, I need to be more in the past tense as in transference and the therapist is here and now.
That unequal level of reality and the drive to equalizing is the healing process. But if we are both here and now, it is hard to create a therapeutic relationship; hence why my friends or my husband cannot be my therapists. We are all in the here and now. If I am so stuck on my past all the time, and only my husband is in the here and now, then for sure, we will be like therapy relationship or extremely chaos cause well...you get the gist of this I hope and I do not have to spell it out. we would be two different planets.
PS. this supposed to be a short term therapy as I could not commit for long term for other reasons but I do feel my bringing up these issues and termination at once perhaps I have a pattern of - when it gets hot, I am out! (something to ponder about). Also my recognition of how hard it is for me to stay in the past when I am in therapy. I am so aiming to be in the present and I seem to resist being in the past or maybe this is a crack of my split from the past and that itself requires a different form of therapy.
Lately I thought maybe I like to try CBT.
Thank you for all your thoughtful comments.
