Unsure if certain specific details i remember from my trauma, actually happened

[hope4us]

I know certain things definately happened, but i remember some specific details about the trauma, an im not sure if the some of the details were real or if my mind made up the details. why am i unsure about certain details? anyone else have this problem? how can i know if the details were real or not?

 

[HannaD]

Were there other witnesses that can confirm details? My therapist explained that immediately after the traumatic event had taken place that my mind went into a dreamlike state to protect me, leaving holes in my memory. My mind had to guess how the other witnesses reacted and filled in a key piece of information wrong. It wasn't until I reconnected with a witness years later that I was told what actually happened, to my confusion.
I learned to accept that my brain knows what it's doing when it refuses to let me access certain memories. If I'm ever able to process it then I'll deal with it in time.
The truth is that it's possible for us to to never know.

 

[Freida]

My t says to look for body reactions. If you think of something that "might" be a memory check how you feel physically. Are you nasueated, shaky, sweaty, or just feel...icky? then it's probably a memory of something that actually happened.


The book The Body Keeps the Score has become my bible. He does an excellent job of explaining how that entire body/mind process works and why.

 

[Whirlwind]

That is an interesting and tough question. I have/do deal with this. I was lucky in that I was able to corroborate some but I have big empty spaces. My therapist did something interesting...he asked me to write down from the earliest major events. He also just asked me...what was an average day like. What were common beliefs. Mine, them etc. I had so much to say I surprised myself! He said routine events can cement as a single memory...or even a family "rule" if you have childhood stuff.

I got a lot out of that process but honestly I know I have holes and am "missing" some things. I know. In my gut and I have entertained the "worst scenario" and opened my mind...but I was too young? I just can't grab it so to speak. Maybe it is just "more of the same"...heck honestly I don't need it. Not afraid of it anymore but I get it already, maybe body knows this too?

But the main stuff has come through...I figure my brain was too young or just too much trauma...it doesn't want to process out more? I have to let it be, no choice and I've really tried. I am ready and welcome it but it skims the edges of my periphery.

Part of me is frustrated but I've processed what I can, which is a lot. Maybe there isn't any earth shattering "new" news left. I have no living FOO so no way to confirm now.

I just decided I have to trust my brain/body and let it be. If it doesn't want to "go there" so be it. Maybe nothing left too. For me there is no way to know and regardless....it would add some continuity..understanding but I do not think it would change much for my healing...maybe my body left it behind for a reason. I get the drift...why add painful details.

Best,

Whirlwind

 

[Sideways]

The only thing I know for absolute certain about what I remember about my trauma?

Is memory is never perfect. Not ever.

Starting from that point? Sometimes (always) the specific details in the way I remember things is slightly off - example, my abuser wasn't a giant with really impossibly huge hands, it's just that I was really small (because I was a kid).

Actual factual events pass through so many different processes in our brain before getting filed as 'Memory', and even then 'Memory' itself is actually information pulled together from different types of storage in our brain, and then our current situation (physical & mental health etc) piles on top of that...

Something very like what I remember happened to me. And that's what I have to heal from. I can be certain I don't have every detail right.

But that's okay.

 

[Ronin]

I looked for one building for a decade, cranky as hell I couldn't find it in Europe, and feeling I must have made the whole thing up and that's the better part of all of it....

Until something clued me in a building of very similar design, from certain angle and light conditions, is on another continent. Very in line with where I was at the time, too.

But also not why I couldn't shake that memory off. Restaurants nearby actually mattered far more to accessing the feelings about the thing, than the one building and sights that were driving me nuts.

Some times, why we remember certain way? Is far more important than what.

 

[whiteraven]

My (former) therapist used to say that it doesn't really matter. It's how you are reacting to what you think you remember that is important.

 

[mumstheword]

I have a similar thing. Lots and lots of missing time in my early life and only suspicions, inklings, things that point towards early sexual trauma and circumstantial evidence.

I can't verify from my mum, because she part of the problem and has denied things happened that she already told me happened. It doesn't help that she's kinda, sorta, a cluster b-ish person, so I can't rely on her honest account of incidents. Lots of automatic denial were accountability and truthfullness would be helpful.

Anyway...It's a little troubling, but, I agree, with everyone who says, it's what's going on NOW, with symptoms, and brain stuff, and issues, that are the only things that can really be addressed.

Plus, it sounds like, from other's, and from my experience, also, that the more safety we cultivate and can communicate to our limbic/amygdala animal brain(s), the more trauma memories surface, as we are ready and able to process them and put them in their place.

If we are still, primarily, in "survival" mode, our brains will not want to overwhelm us with frightening and traumatic memories from the past.

This doesn't seem to apply to everyone, but certainly can apply.

 

[hope4us]

My t says to look for body reactions. If you think of something that "might" be a memory check how you feel physically. Are you nasueated, shaky, sweaty, or just feel...icky? then it's probably a memory of something that actually happened.


The book The Body Keeps the Score has become my bible. He does an excellent job of explaining how that entire body/mind process works and why.

i got chills when thinking about one night. but this was one night when i cant remember the main event that happened, just small random details, i know soemthing crazy happened, but i dotn know what it was

 

[Liljoey]

I totally get this right now. It’s like when you know you needed to tell someone something important, but you can’t remember- except it’s like your own brain is trying to tell you something you can’t remember. I’m dealing with what is hopefully the worst part of this ptsd from a specific situation that happened, but out of left field my mind is starting to piece together what might possibly be sexual trauma from when I was younger than 4. Part of me wonders if my brain is just all over the place with my ptsd triggers and meltdowns- but my gut feels so sick- like it’s positive that it happened......it’s very strange and horrible!