Relationship Unsure What To Do About Belongings Left Behind...

[Deleted member 17302]

Background

I am in an uncertain scenario where my sufferer partner has bailed and claimed she has moved on and for me to move on. She has said things of almost exact nature before when she had bailed but I had more information to go on last time and was a bit more certain of her return. This time things are a fair bit more unsure although details seem to indicate that she is in an extended modified stated of mind from her PTSD due to stressful conditions in recent months due to holidays and the trauma event coming up (daughter died) and the birthday of the daughter was last month, etc. etc.

She has left extremely important items behind and more or less took only what was easy to pickup yet still has not come to retrieve the last load of items.

This seems to indicate along with other factors and a close friend that is familiar with PTSD due to having it himself, that she is unsure of her choices to leave and will most likely return and try to patch things up.

She recently called and I did not answer due to not wanting the extra stress and in general just not wanting to talk to her until I feel confident I won't be very kind as her actions still have me pretty upset.

The call did not result in a voicemail or txt of any nature. This seems to indicate she isn't very angry or wanting something such as to pick up her things.

I do love her dearly but what she did vs a healthy option has me very upset at her. If she were able to convince me she was wanting to mature in a positive direction then I would be more inclined to actually let her back into my life. She is more or less my wife and patching things up would be great but not unless she makes actions that are towards repairing trust and the relationship and not cheating ever again. Apparently there is a lot of psychology behind the cheating phenomenon regardless of how horribly obvious it seems to just not cheat.

Question

I'd really like to just pack up the rest of the items and put it all in the van and drive it to her living location and drop it all off and have all of everything out of my life for good. That way if she tries contacting me I know it will not be because of stuff she has to pickup.

My close friend however said I should just keep the items unless she asks to pick up the items because it gives her the opportunity to contact me and patch things up more than if she didn't have things still left here. Something about it makes it more comfortable and reasonable to contact me due to her having the PTSD stresses.

Yes, I love her and want her back. No, I will not accept her back unless she actually puts forth effort to show she really really wants to come back and really really intends to fix things and not repeat her poor choice of actions and will instead do healthy things instead of cheating and destroying our relationship to fullfill whatever she was getting out of cheating. Apparently there are reasons people do that other than because they are horrible human beings that don't deserve to be loved or trusted.

Should I pack up the things and drop it all off, or should I just pack it all up and leave it out of sight still here at home to give her a foot in the door to contact me to patch things up? My thought is screw her, if she really wants to come back she will no matter what try to get to come back. However I am not the best at understanding the PTSD mindset when it comes to complicated situations like this.

I don't know what exactly all I am looking for here. Perhaps if I should keep the stuff here still or bring it to her unsolicited. Perhaps also trying to just get some opinions so that I can see what others would do knowing my motivations and wants in this scenario as well as the other bits of information detailed in this post. This stress is heavily clouding my judgement so perhaps my want to just bring it all to her is not a good action.

Please do not however reply in relation to taking her back ever due to the cheating issue. That portion of the problem can apparently be worked on and fixed so I'm not interested in that portion of the post. Help or advice or give opinions on any of this please.

 

[Casey_03]

I would say don't overthink it, just do whatever you want to do with her things and don't use them as some sort of leverage to see her again. It's never a good idea to make decisions based on a desired reaction; you shouldn't do things in a relationship in order to manipulate or provoke some response from the other person, you should do only what you feel you want and need to do. Otherwise it just creates a toxic environment for game playing and manipulation, and unrealistic expectations. (That is valuable advice I once received from a wise therapist. She warned that once you start calculating your actions and trying to predict reactions from the other person, the relationship is basically already doomed) If I were you, I would pack up her things and leave them at some neutral location (outside your own home) where she can pick them up so the two of you won't have to see each other, then message her and just say "your things are at ______). The fact of the matter is, if you want her to change her behavior in case she does come back, you need to show her that you cannot tolerate this sort of behavior -- I think packing her things is the nicest way to show her that, sternly, without being too harsh. Maybe there is a mutual friend's house you can leave her stuff at?

 

[Stickler]

With her things... Do whichever's going to help you to feel better, faster. This is my thought.

As for the cheating...
...For me it would be fear of closeness causing that?
But I don't know if she finds closeness terrifying like I do ( and I've got many other issues...).

...Since we only go forward...I dunno.
What would it take for you to trust her again, when this is a huge trust breaker?

This being the second time she's done it, I would not trust her anymore...but that may be me.
Once people turn on me as I expected? My experience is they will hurt me harder next time.
I don't actually trust, I assume that I am going to be ripped to shreds and hope the ride's worth it.

...I suck at relationships. :(

 

[Sandstone]

You sound very angry. I wouldn't do anything until that anger has cleared and you can see straighter. If packing the things and storing them out of sight helps you, then you could do rhat

 

[Tinyflame]

If she were able to convince me she was wanting to mature in a positive direction .. patching things up would be great but not unless she makes actions that are towards repairing trust and the relationship and not cheating ever again.

Perhaps it's illness-mediated (uncontrolled), more so than immaturity. But there will never be any guarantees.

Sounds like lots of conflict:

Yes, I love her and want her back.

My thought is screw her,

just not wanting to talk to her until I feel confident I won't be very kind as her actions still have me pretty upset.

JMHO, but you either (can) forgive or not, then choose to try again or not. But like @Casey_03 said, no mind games & manipulation, free-will or bust. Though for me, cheating is the deal breaker because trust is fragile, & trust is based on honesty & integrity. Then again a marriage is different.(Still boundaries but maybe more at stake, longer history, etc etc). But also if the person no longer wanted me, I would no longer want them (big turn off) But, to me, if you are going to choose to forgive & try again, were it me it would be important to do so without resentment or making the other person 'pay'.

I would leave her things alone for now, or if it's over text her about removing them.

Once people turn on me as I expected? My experience is they will hurt me harder next time.

Yes because the first time they choose to do that is the hardest.

With ptsd there's been too much pain to add more, it's not worth it.

 

[Friday]

I've never packed up someone's things and taken it to them unless I wanted to break their nose, or wanted some other excuse to see them. I either leave things in situ, or pack them up and drop them at a storage unit. It's their stuff. They can come get it their durn selves. Or not. I leave it at mine if I don't mind seeing them, again. Storage if I don't want to see them, again.

 

[Tinyflame]

(OMG @FridayJones , the 'nose' is so funny. :eek: :roflmao: )

If I was kind & thought it was important to them, out of respect/ kindness I would mail stuff back, or drop it off when not there (I wouldn't pay for storage).

I would also throw it out though, might as well for closure. If I or the relationship wasn't worth more than the objects, the objects might as well go to the trash. If I was hurt or betrayed I wouldn't want to ever be reminded of them again. But lying & abuse are also triggering for me, & without trust there's no relationship worth having,

 

[Tinyflame]

I came back to add, FWIW, all relationships & marriages have struggles. Set your boundaries, & throw yourself (ideally both of you) in to whatever decision you choose, have a great 'new' marriage or split. Then, you'll know what to do with the stuff, or you'll have reconciled.

Good luck!

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sorry for your pain.

I have personally driven their stuff to their newest door and put it on the front lawn. It gave me peace and wore off some of the anger in physical movement. Don't expect thanks though.;) And then I changed the locks.

Figured any reconciliation could take place with new clear boundaries and less drama.

 

[Fadeaway]

It is your choice what you do with her things.

The call did not result in a voicemail or txt of any nature. This seems to indicate she isn't very angry or wanting something such as to pick up her things.

You have made a lot of assumptions there. I can think of more than 20 reasons why someone wouldn't leave a voicemail or text, and none of them have anything to do with the conclusion you have drawn.

Personaly I would find it rude if I was in your shoes and someone left a voicemail or sent a text instead of talking to me directly. She knows that you know she called based on your caller i.d. I would say the ball is in your court now. She made her move.

 

[scout86]

I'd really like to just pack up the rest of the items and put it all in the van and drive it to her living location and drop it all off and have all of everything out of my life for good.

If that's the truth, that's what I'd do. Another option would be to call her and ask what she wants to do about her stuff, since some of appears to be important. But no games. You either just want an answer to that question or there's other stuff you want to talk about.

 

[EveHarrington]

I can't help but feel that you misunderstand one of the basic premises of fully symptomatic untreated PTSD.

The emotions run the show.

It's not as easy as simply deciding to do the right thing. I suggest reading up on the DBT "wise mind" premise. There is no rationality in what she does. She's being taken for a ride by her emotions. Without treatment the future looks grim. I think that instead of focusing on your wants (the relationship) you should focus on her needs (healing/treatment). Truth be told, in the throes of PTSD, the last thing many of us need is pressure to be in a relationship.