Relationship Unsure what to think or do. bf stationing problem.

[Jen082692]

Hey everyone.
So I have never done this but I am just so unsure of what to think or do and I could use some insight from people who have been there. My bf and I have been together for 6 months he was stationed in Alaska during that time but just came back this past week. While he was gone we started fighting and having issues mainly because I felt like he was pushing me away. Well when he got back he informed me that when he goes back in the Army there is a 90% chance he still get stationed overseas where a family cannot go and possibly for 3 years. He said it wasn't fair to me and that we should end things. He has an engagement ring for me and we were planning to get married next May. I am just at such a loss idk why he wants to throw everything away for something that may happen 2 years from now. I know getting out of the military is hard and the guys go through so many different emotions but I don't want to be foolish and stick around if he is really done. He cried when he told me and ended up staying the night, he is suppose to come over again tonight with his son to hang out but I am just at such a loss.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So he has been in Alaska for 6 months and you lived elsewhere?

 

[Friday]

Sounds like this short hop to Alaska was a bit of a trial run in how you two handle distance, and you guys don't. So it's a sad but fair thing to end it now, in early days, rather than waste years being miserable.

 

[Jen082692]

So he has been in Alaska for 6 months and you lived elsewhere?

Yes I was in our home town.. Ohio

Sounds like this short hop to Alaska was a bit of a trial run in how you two handle distance, and you gu...

I'm not sure what you mean, he is home in Ohio now...

I'm sorry I get what you're saying now.. I guess I should have clarify that he started pushing me away which caused the issues when he was in Alaska and I found out now that he is home that it is because of him finding out he may have to go away for 3 years. I've done long distance and military before I don't think that's the issue here... I am just not sure how to help him get use to civilian life

 

[Sweetpea76]

Why would he have to get used to civilian life? Is he getting out?

Also, does he have PTSD?

 

[Jen082692]

He did a packet that allowed him to get out of the army early to finish college and then he will commission back in as an officer and has to serve at least 3 years.

We have never directly spoken about ptsd but yes I believe so. He has nightmares and during certain anniversary dates he is very withdrawn.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... that clears some things up.

If he isn't diagnosed with PTSD, then I wouldn't assume he has it. It's a pretty specific diagnosis, and there could be many different things that cause him nightmares. If he thinks there is a possibility that he may have PTSD, then he needs to go get evaluated by a professional. They're the only ones who can diagnose.

As far as him withdrawing and breaking up, I would respect his boundaries.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm kinda confused... He has been your bf for 6 months and he was stationed in Alaska during this time. And you're engaged?

I think he's doing the right thing. If he's going to be stationed over seas for 3 years it wouldn't be fair to you. Alot can happen in 3 years.

So sorry you're hurting!

 

[Jen082692]

Im sorry I was very all over the place with the post and I can see that now.
We both grew up together about 8 min apart he we good friends with my cousin growing up. Life happened we both grew up got married moved away. We have been officially dating for 6 months yes and during that time he was in Alaska. He came home twice and I went there 3 times. I hope that clears things up. In regards to the 3 years it is a possibility that friends have told him of nothing the army has directly said.

In regards to ptsd I agree he should go talk to someone. I am a physiologist but PTSD is not my field of study (for lack of a better term).

 

[EveHarrington]

How many consecutive days have you spent in each other's company?

Until your answer is in the magnitude of monthS, you haven't spent end time with him as a partner to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. (Time as friends doesn't count-----very different dynamic!)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even if you can do long distance relationships, it is possible he knows he can't do one for that long.

 

[Justmehere]

It's not very clear what is happening in this relationship based on your description.

We have been officially dating for 6 months yes and during that time he was in Alaska. He came home twice and I went there 3 times. I hope that clears things up..

So the entire time you have been dating, it was long distance, lasted 6 months, and you got engaged during that 6 months. Then, when he moved locally to you, he broke up with you. Do I have the sequence of events right?

He cried when he told me and ended up staying the night, he is suppose to come over again tonight with his son to hang out but I am just at such a loss.

Wait, he broke up with you and but him and his son came over to hang out? That's confusing... how did it go?

I guess I should have clarify that he started pushing me away which caused the issues when he was in Alaska and I found out now that he is home that it is because of him finding out he may have to go away for 3 years.

How was he pushing you away?

I've done long distance and military before I don't think that's the issue here... I am just not sure how to help him get use to civilian life

Maybe you have done long distance and military before, but that doesn't mean *this* long distance and military relationship will be the same. It may actually be that you and him are not the right fit, he is not ready for commitment, etc. It may not be civvy life or PTSD at all, but other issues that are leading to the breakup.