Relationship Update To Husband Pulling Gun During Argument

[Needadvicequickly]

Hello,


It has been about a year since I was active on this site, but wanted to share my story with those of you who are in a relationship with someone who is suffering from PTSD.


If you look at my previous post, you will see a detailed account of an incident last September where my husband and I had a fight that escalated into a weapon being drawn (I am unsure how to link that thread into this thread, but you can search my history).


Short version: husband pulled a gun and threatened to kill himself (and me) during an argument over household chores. I sought advice here and found some information very helpful, and was able to leverage the VA (Veterans Affairs) and a friend to get my husband some help.


Following that episode, we immediately went into couples counseling. I found a specialist that works extensively with PTSD/military trauma and we began to go once a week, sometimes my husband would go by himself to sort through some issues. The 2014 holidays came and went, and we had some tense moments. I became re-interested in a passion of mine (horses) and he became interested again in a hobby of his (motorcycles); and life came to a stand-still of sorts. We were drifting apart, and the violent temper was bubbling over more and more, from him. We couldn’t go a week, a few days, a day without an explosive argument that would result in the usual name calling, objects thrown and threatening of divorce (from him). In March 2015, he announced that he wanted a divorce. I dug in and tried one last time to get us “back on track”.


After 8 months of counseling and an attempt at a vacation together to work through our issues, I filed for divorce in June 2015. Unfortunately, he ultimately has become too unsafe for me to live with and is not someone I can start a family with. I do believe I gave it my 100% effort, but am not going to put myself or any potential offspring in harm’s way.


I suffered greatly with this decision for well over a year before finally making the move. The result has been; overwhelming support and compassion, and many friends/family members speaking up to me about living through this domestic abuse. I loathe to label our relationship as such, but I know that it was a did become a life-or-death situation for me twice.


I wanted to thank and update this community, who was so kind in reaching out to me and giving me many perspectives.

 

[Stickler]

The gun pulling would have had me out the door and gone.

I urge anyone who ever has their life threatened in a relationship for any reason whatsoever to leave immediately and to never go back.
Making allowance for your beloved's giant flaming brain cooties? Yes. Death threat? Go. Preserve your own life.

You are making the right decision, and I hope you find happiness.

Note: I had an emotionally abusive marriage for ten years. I learned a LOT of valuable lessons that way. I wish I had learned waaaay faster and got the heck out, but apparently I take time.
Take what you have learned forward; use it to make your next relationship a joyous place.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

Exactly, I am fortunate in that I had the resources both emotionally, physically and financially to get myself out of this situation. I do realize others are not so fortunate, and that some people would leave for less, or would need even more to leave. It is very, very difficult to break free from the psychological trap of someone who does a complete Jekyll and Hyde.

 

[Justmehere]

I remember your story and what you were going through a year ago. It sounds like it has been a really awful year since then, but that you made some really good decisions along the way. I'm so sorry it came to this, but I'm really glad you got out of a dangerous situation. It is a very difficult thing to do. How are you doing in your own process recovering from what you have been through and getting through the divorce process?

 

[Needadvicequickly]

Counseling of my own, lots of healing time and the support of family and friends.

I am one of those people who truly believes everything happens for a reason. Last July, right before things REALLY took a turn for the worse, I decided to start horseback riding again. It is something I did off and on as a kid, and into my early 20's. I began taking lessons at a local barn and made a group of girlfriends who have helped me through this more than they even know. Also in the past year, my parents and grandparents spontaneously decided to move closer to me (they were previously about 7 hours away). It may not seem like much, but knowing I have a backbone of support with my family and friends has made this whole thing so, so much easier. I felt like a burden had been lifted when I finally filed. And don't get me wrong, I am scared to death to get back out there and start all over again, but scared in a good/hopeful way.

The one thing this experience taught me was how to find my voice. I am the chronic case of people-pleaser, and it almost cost me a whole heck of a lot by not standing up for myself. I feel much more equipped now to discern relationships, friendships and any human interaction that will either have a positive or toxic influence on me.

I still have a long way to go, but it is night and day different than the person last September who came here needing answers.

 

[Justmehere]

That's wonderful! Working with horses is something I had the opportunity to try when I was first beginning to heal. It's amazing what can be learned and how hearts can heal in a barn with others... I'm so glad you have that support and connection, and the support of your family as well. It's so sweet your grandparents have moved closer to you.

I'm thrilled to read you have found your voice, and you are using it. You do seem very different than you were a year ago. There is a clarity and strength that is new in your writing. You have indeed changed and you have a lot to be proud of through all of this.

It's great to hear from you and I hope things continue to improve. I think you have gained some great skills and support that is going to propel you into a wonderful future head.