Relationship Husband Pulled Gun, Threatened Suicide During Argument.

[nursenurse]

He is manipulating you and the situation by his veiled threat. However, that does not mean you should not attend. I think you have been protecting him for do long that you don't know which end is up. Maybe it will light his fire. And maybe the counsellor can point out to you how very dangerous this situation is to you. The fact that he kicked your dog is so very disturbing. You cannot fix this by hand holding, but by solid decisions that you are willing to stand behind. He may have to lose everything to start to heal himself, including you. And you have to be prepared for that.

You are an abused spouse. Now is the time to fight for yourself. On your terms, not his.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

Exactly, nursenurse. One thing he keeps saying is that this is all about "me, me, me!" And I keep reminding him that yes, right now and in this situation, It is. I am absolutely looking out for me right now. And I won't apologize for that, not to him or anyone else , I don't care what he says about me to family or friends.

It's true one session won't change much, but it's a very small victory. I'm 100% prepared for the fact it may not work out. In fact, the odds aren't in our favor.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

For someone who regularly goes to counseling, he's pretty off base on what they will do. No one can make us do anything or make us live our lives a certain way, my hope through counseling is that it will open up the doors of communication and hostility.

It very well may not work, and I'm ok with that. If he goes and there's no progress then I'm out. I read somewhere "If the writings on the wall, then read it! ". The writing may be on the wall for us and this is a last ditch effort. I'm willing to give it a shot, but I'm not banking on the fact that it will fix anything or save the marriage. I hope it does, I really wish he was the person he was four years ago when we decided to get married. However, I can't change his actions or dismiss them for nostalgic reasons or a "wish".

 

[nursenurse]

It is a sign of how ill he is. Would it be so easy if only for a wish, or the wave of the magic wand I wish do much that I could hold.

Here's the thing when exiting a relationship: in order to do that without looking back, we need to feel that we have taken every step within our power to make things work. From the outside looking in, I can tell you what needs to be done, but I have been in an abusive, non PTSD relationship, and even my dissolved marriage. Both times I walked away with my head held high and never the desire to go back, because I had done just that: everything that I possibly could have. No what ifs. I think that is where you are at, so no one can fault you for trying whatever you can. Just keep your head about you, and keep yourself physically and emotionally safe in the process.

 

[joeylittle]

@Needadvicequickly, you're doing an amazing job. You are really letting yourself be aware of what's truly happening, and not trying to sweep it under the rug. Just keep doing that.

Since he clearly won't hear it from you - It could make sense to reach out to someone else he is close to, if there is someone, and fill them in on what's going on. I can tell you are trying to give him every possible chance for accepting treatment and getting better, and at this point, there might not be anything to lose - provided that the person you confide in is very grounded and capable of being discrete.

Are you active in your church? Is he? Sometimes pastors are very well-trained in therapy-type techniques, and at a minimum, that could be a resource for you to have some emotional support and a place to talk this stuff out with an actual person. And it's free and easy to access.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

We are pretty active, but I hate to say this....I doubt our pastor is equipped to deal with the depth of the issues my husband has. If it were more along the lines of infidelity, financial stress or child rearing issues I would be comfortable seeking help through church. For myself, I'm comfortable talking to a pastor.

His diagnosis from his doctor(s)... he is severely depressed (which he denies) and also potentially bipolar. He was on lithium for about 4-6 months but came off of it. A huge gripe I have with the VA is that they'll change medications on him at his request with no pushback. I cannot count how many medications he has tried.

And you're right, this IS a "covering my bases" move and I would be remiss if I claimed otherwise. I want to know I gave it every shot possible.

I just want this community to know how helpful this and you all have been. I read and re-read every response over the past 24 hours to myself to stay focused and not waiver or back down. Especially last night when I finally laid it all on the proverbial table for him. I was shaking on the inside and out, but had to do it! I'm glad I did, I have zero regrets and was surprisingly calm when it came down to it, so thanks everyone

 

[scout86]

I think you've done an excellent job.

It doesn't even MATTER "whose fault" anything is. It certainly isn't yours. I don't even really think it's his. It wouldn't be his fault if he got malaria while he was deployed, would it? This is kind of like that, really.

As far as the "therapy" he's been getting, if he's only been going in once a month, I'd be willing to bet all they're doing is asking "How's it going?" To which he's replying "Fine." (My personal favorite response to that question!) They might talk about his meds, then they send him on his way & send in the next one. They are ticking things off a list, more than likely, not treating people.

As far as "one session" goes, who knows? When my friend killed himself last spring, after talking some of it through with my therapist, he said, "Now I want you to hear a GOOD story." He told me about a Vietnam era vet who had been struggling with PTSD for years. Finally, one day, in the middle of a panic attack, he decided to go the the VA. It was about an hour drive. He made it a couple of miles then went in the ditch. (It's hard to drive when you're having that kind of panic attack.) A farmer saw him & went to pull him out. When he realized the guy was in no shape to drive, and the guy said that he was a vet, headed for the VA, the farmer gave him a ride. (We're talking about an hour drive here!) When they got to the VA, the guy couldn't make himself go inside and he'd decided he wouldn't talk to a Dr. They sent a nurse out to the parking lot to talk to him. She noticed that the guy was over weight and started talking about that with him. (He's still having a panic attack.) She asked if he'd be willing to go to a near by town to talk to a guy about his weight problem. He said that he'd be willing to do that, so they gave him a ride to see the guy who is now my T. And he's the vet's therapist too, and has been for a long time. The vet is doing much better. (Now he only sits in the garage with his gun watching for invading neighbors about once a week instead of every night.) The thing is, at least SOME of these people are REALLY good at what they do. I hope your husband crosses paths with someone like that, all the stars align, and there's a happy ending.

Regardless of that, I think you've done well and I've think you've done what you can do, Keep taking care of yourself!

 

[anthony]

After reading your follow-up, I would say being apart is the best thing for you both. He may, he may not, want to then change so you return, BUT, if you do get back together then you definitely need to return with a lot of him taking responsibility for his actions.

His violence is out of control, obviously... which is only one accidental second away from hurting you during such a rage.

I would be leaving, if you... and he would have to be the one working hard to get you back IMHO.

 

[All Roads]

There is nothing that you can do until he recognises his own issues sweetie. I was in the same place as you. I lived with it for more years than I care to think!

I walked away last year, it made me very ill and I could no longer bear to be in the same house as him. I was worried that my action of leaving would tip him over the edge, but he had threatened so often and made halfhearted attempts on a number of occasions, I could no longer live like that. Essentially it came down to me or him. I chose me, for the first time in 16 years.

He hit rock bottom, drink mainly, but has now taken all the help that was offered for so long. He's working and taking care of himself.

What struck me is that you were afraid to call the police and risk his future employment. I was the same. My advice is to get yourself the hell out if there. It won't change as long as you keep supporting him and backing down. The threats to kill himself become a very good way of controlling you and keeping you in line!

It's take me a while, but I moved away, started a new job and a new life. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

Good luck honey, you'll be surprised just how much support you have out there x

 

[Needadvicequickly]

I wanted to offer an update for those who may be following this. It's been almost a week since our (his) big meltdown.

We have been operating separately, so to speak. One of us has been alternating spending the evenings away after work and he sleeps in another room. THAT isn't too uncommon, we rarely sleep together as it is.

We have our first scheduled appointment with a mental health professional on Monday. I did a bit of "profiling", if you will. I specifically wanted someone with A LOT of experience (read older than us by quite a bit), specializing in PTSD and depressive disorders, male and Christian. I wasn't specially looking for a Christian or church based counselor or center, but was looking for a professional who IS a Christian. I also wanted him to be male because I felt like it would be better received by my husband, just knowing him. Plus, he already sees a female psychologist and I wanted to change it up a bit. I decided not to go the VA or Wounded Warrior route for that very reason, and found a private practice on the other side of town. Not sure if all this research will matter, but I'm hoping the change of element and qualifications of this DR will spur him into action.

Of course, there's the highly possible outcome that this won't work, Will only infuriate and push him away further and ultimately end our relationship. I have to be realistic and consider that option, so I've been financially looking at my situation should I drop to a single income. It'll work, It'll be close but it'll work. I hate that I have to think this way, but I do.

 

[Needadvicequickly]

****UPDATE****

I wanted to provide an update and, once again, seek guidance on an issue. I suppose I could start a new thread, and will if the mods insist.

My husband and I went to therapy this past week for our first session together. I was actually looking forward to it, and he was very obviously NOT. We get there and do our paperwork and a quick intro with the counselor. He (the therapist) was extremely kind, and direct --a good combination, in my opinion. We did an hour session and my husband agreed to a second session next week.

Great news, right? !

Here's my issue. I'll keep it as short as possible. He admitted to me after our session that he has been texting a former "interest", if you will. He said it's harmless, no lines were crossed and that he wanted to "clear the air" on an issue they had YEARS ago.
He then mentioned that he did invite her out to have a drink, but specifically stated to her that he has no interest in cheating and that he would tell me if they did/do ever do this.

I'm pretty laid back. I'm friends with men, and I don't care if he has female friends. However; this "rekindled" relationship is really coming at a bad time. Really bad.

Our marriage is on life support and he's scarfing down Big Macs right now by putting that temptation out there. Of course, saying anything makes me look crazy/jealous/insecure/etc.

Not sure if I should just let it go or address it? To be honest, it bothers me most because i think he's getting a thrill out of it (even just a small one), while I'm trying to salvage this relationship.

 

[anthony]

i think he's getting a thrill out of it

I would concur... and sounds similar to what I have done myself when I just wanted to force an end to a relationship and basically stop the person from trying to help me... by me simply going and rooting someone else and letting them know about it. It got all the issues of my back in relation to the person caring, trying to get me to change and come back into the relationship, when really I had no idea what I wanted and it was all just another stress for me.

I didn't know how to articulate those things at the time.... so screwing someone else made removing one stressor easy.

I think you have adequate right for concern here...