barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
Not really sure why I'm posting this...I think it's because I feel horrible...disgusted with myself...and maybe I'm hoping that if I offload it in here it might free up some headspace and make me feel a bit better. We'll see...!
So...when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I got in to a habit of cutting my gums so that they'd bleed. I would usually just use my fingers/fingernails but would sometimes use other things too. It would feel like my gums were really throbbing with pressure...like they were literally aching for some kind of relief. So then I used to make them bleed and then I'd feel a momentary high and then I'd just kind of numb out. Knowing what I know now, I'm pretty certain that I'd do this and dissociate for hours at a time. And then afterwards, I'd think it was disgusting.
Anyway - haven't done it for years. Haven't even thought about it. Well, actually, I did it once several months ago when I was going through a tough time - had just been diagnosed with PTSD, was finding therapy really difficult, had had a difficult conversation trying to explain what was going on to my partner... Found myself in bed one night, unable to sleep, feeling tired but wired....felt that same old familiar ache/pressure in my gums and had done it before I'd even realised what I was doing. Then felt really mortified.
Haven't done it since but then went to the dentist a couple of days ago. Hadn't been for a few years so the session with the hygienist was quite full on! Inevitably, everything bled. A lot. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it or leave my gums alone ever since. I keep thinking about it, I keep feeling that achey pressure that just seems to be screaming out for some relief and I keep fiddling with my gums. I really, really don't want to get into that bad habit again. But it's driving me mad - it's like I feel absolutely compelled to do it even though I think it's horrible and disgusting.
I'm hoping that once my gums have settled down from the visit to the dentist - which has made them quite sore - it will all just calm down and I won't be so fixated on it. But my worry if that if I don't manage to start leaving them alone soon, they won't calm down, because I'll be keeping them sore and sensitive.
Ugh! This is so ridiculous! I hate it! And I don't want to do it. So why can I not think about anything but doing it right now?!
So...when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, I got in to a habit of cutting my gums so that they'd bleed. I would usually just use my fingers/fingernails but would sometimes use other things too. It would feel like my gums were really throbbing with pressure...like they were literally aching for some kind of relief. So then I used to make them bleed and then I'd feel a momentary high and then I'd just kind of numb out. Knowing what I know now, I'm pretty certain that I'd do this and dissociate for hours at a time. And then afterwards, I'd think it was disgusting.
Anyway - haven't done it for years. Haven't even thought about it. Well, actually, I did it once several months ago when I was going through a tough time - had just been diagnosed with PTSD, was finding therapy really difficult, had had a difficult conversation trying to explain what was going on to my partner... Found myself in bed one night, unable to sleep, feeling tired but wired....felt that same old familiar ache/pressure in my gums and had done it before I'd even realised what I was doing. Then felt really mortified.
Haven't done it since but then went to the dentist a couple of days ago. Hadn't been for a few years so the session with the hygienist was quite full on! Inevitably, everything bled. A lot. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it or leave my gums alone ever since. I keep thinking about it, I keep feeling that achey pressure that just seems to be screaming out for some relief and I keep fiddling with my gums. I really, really don't want to get into that bad habit again. But it's driving me mad - it's like I feel absolutely compelled to do it even though I think it's horrible and disgusting.
I'm hoping that once my gums have settled down from the visit to the dentist - which has made them quite sore - it will all just calm down and I won't be so fixated on it. But my worry if that if I don't manage to start leaving them alone soon, they won't calm down, because I'll be keeping them sore and sensitive.
Ugh! This is so ridiculous! I hate it! And I don't want to do it. So why can I not think about anything but doing it right now?!