Updates, Setbacks And Confussion

[trying to heal]

Its been awhile since I last posted.. its been a very rollercoaster week. I finally got in for a psych evaluation at the sub-acute mental unit and although it was a long and draining experience at least we were moving forward.

On Thursday I got a call back from subacute to say that yes I was accepted to go in for the program but then she asked if she could talk to my mother about my early childhood. Well, I had a total freakout. Not only had I not told my parents that I was going in yet or really told them anything but I certainly didn't want anyone talking to my parents about my childhood. I basically froze on the phone and said no it wasn't possible to talk to her and then felt sick and hung up.

I immediately called my T and got the receptionist who knows me well by now and explained what had happened. A few minutes later my T rang me on my mobile and I explained everything to her again and she was angry ... said that there was no way they would or should have to talk to my parents that I was 40 and that it was not appropriate. She then rounded off on me about it being time to decide whether I wanted to get better and that I need to make a decision to move out of my parents place if I ever want to be well. I understand that she was calling after hours and it was kind of her to call me at all ... but I sort of wound up into a spiral of panic attacks and had to take valium to calm down. She then told me she would ring sub-acute and set them straight but that I had to have an alternate place to stay by 10 am the next morning when she would call me back.

The next morning I had a message saying I needed to call subacute which I did. She told me that my T had called and that they no longer needed to talk to my parents but said that the psychiatrist at the unit was very concerned about how anxious I was re my parents and that this was an area they would need to work on. I then spent the whole day waiting for my T to call me which never happened.

Yesterday I worked up the courage to talk to my parents about going into subacute. they took it better than I had thought they would. Afterwards while working on my laptop my father noticed I was having trouble getting it to charge as the connection is busted and he suggested that they buy me a new one. I felt hideously guilty as I havent told them I will most likely be moving out and I dont want them buying me stuff when I have no ability to pay them back. I know it was very kind of them but I have so many conflicted thoughts /emotions when it comes to my parents and this sort of feels now like they were trying to buy my loyalty to them and not say anything bad??

I dont have an appointment with my T until Thursday so it's going to be another long week and I don't know whether she will still be cranky with me or not. I will probably be admitted to the unit on Friday (hopefully).

 

[Sideways]

It sounds like you agree with them that it might be time for you to deal with the relationship with your parents?

It also sounds like this is a pretty confronting time for you, dealing with that concept as well as starting with a new therapy team. So be ggentls with yourself while these big changes start to normalise, yeah?

I don't know your story and whether you were abused by your parents or whether they're supporting you and you haven't told them about your trauma history? I'm also guessing that the reasons for you living with your parents is more complex than just financial?

There are options when it comes to alternative housing. All states have their own public housing systems, and perhaps getting yourself onto the list? If the subacute team think this should be a priority, then hey may be able to hook you up with a social worker (social worker job description: make it happen! Social workers can be invaluable with issues like housing; even just making all the phone calls and filling in forms, but they're also usually well connected with community organisations that can provide anything from free furniture to actual housing). There's also share housing options which tend to be a bit cheaper, and these days there's usually houses that offer self-contained areas.

Don't let the options make you feel overwhelmed. Options are simply there so that you know that if and when you're ready to make the move, it is possible, no matter what walk of life you're in.

Has the subacute team talked to you about what sort of support they're going to offer in terms of therapy or community outreach?

 

[trying to heal]

I have massive gaps in my memories from childhood and have in the last few months been diagnosed with complex PTSD due to neglect and DV issues with siblings. Basically, there are huge and complex issues with my relationship with my family.

When talking with subacute during the psych eval she said that I will definitely be working with a social worker and now that my T has filled them in a bit more of my home life I'm guessing will be working with psychologists and possibly psychiatrists there too.

 

[Sideways]

In that case I'd agree that new housing is a priority and hopefully they'll provide good support through that process. Rehousing is always really stressful, even without trauma complications, but it is so often the case that a person won't start to genuinely heal until they have left the traumatic environment. Even if your parents are now gold star, if the environment was unsafe and chaotic in your formative years, there is likely to still be a lot of survival-brain going on.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation, but hopefully the team approach will offer some real solutions for you and finally give you the space you need to heal.

Thoughts are with you. Keep us updated, yeah?