Urge To Cut

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@recoveringfromptsd, I am so proud of and impressed by you. You are doing such hard work, and you are DOING it! Look at when you started this thread, how many days and nights you have resisted the urges. I know how hard it is, how unbearable it all feels. I am inspired by you.

I managed to abstain from s/h before and during a 10-week round of trauma therapy. The hope of doing the specialized therapy, that that might really help me where other things haven't helped, was a powerful "carrot" for me. The stick was disappointing and angering my wife, and disappointing or burning out my T. The urges were strong but my resolve was stronger.

Since I completed that round of therapy, I have experienced an increase in urges, and I did minor s/h once. I am back to abstainence, but this week was really hard. I'm glad I stumbled across this thread because it has given me hope and encouragement, thanks to both of you, @recoveringfromptsd and @Gia1019.

Gentle hugs to both of you if you accept (chocolate if not!)

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Disassociation can protect us, but I know when I come back from it, it's a horrible panic that sets in.

My T helped me reframe this. I was getting down on myself every time I realized I was dissociating, like that was a very bad sign that I was doing "worse." Instead, she helped me be more compassionate toward myself. Now, when I "wake up" from dissociating I just say to myself, "Welcome back, Lola. Welcome back. You're safe."

 

[Muted]

My T helped me reframe this. I was getting down on myself every time I realized I was dissocia...

I like that! I've never though of reframing it, I usually come out fully an hour or more after my session and when my t isn't with me the panic surges.

 

[Muted]

Not monsters, plural, I was under the care of a for profit group home organization, for 1.5...

That is beyond horrible to have had to endure that. It's a crime that places like that get away with terrorizing children.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

You are doing such hard work, and you are DOING it! Look at when you started this thread, how many days and nights you have resisted the urges.

I sort of have no choice but to resist the urges, if I give in my abuse therapy stops, and I can't get better, and I have already boxed myself in so I can't back out of therapy, because they know that "I can't live this way anymore, if I can't get better from it, I don't want to be", these are the words they have all heard, and I still feel. In many ways I could not do it if I did not box myself in. But that also means if I quit or sabotage my progress with self-harm that I will likely carry thru with that statement. So the result would likely be involuntary hospitalization, assuming they could find me.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

The hope of doing the specialized therapy, that that might really help me where other things haven't helped, was a powerful "carrot" for me

I am getting the specialized abuse therapy, my abuse therapist is in the local rape/abuse recovery center, the same people that deal with rape victims, accompany them, etc. Sexual Assault and Abuse therapy is all the do, they do more, they run the hotline for this area, they also operate a battered women's shelter. And I am pleased with what has been accomplished in a few weeks.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Gia1019 Last night was another night of recurring waking nightmares, they all seem abuse oriented, and run on after I wake up from the dream, for example last night's was about friends who betrayed me, took my car and abandoned me, so they could turn my car into a nuclear bomb to blow up my world.

How strange is that for a dream, it's actually unsettling because there are parts of that dream that actually reflect what has happened to me over time.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I am pleased with what has been accomplished in a few weeks

That's great to hear! Good for you. Your adult, fighter self took steps to set up a structure that would keep you safe, i.e., telling people the right words, getting yourself into the various programs and therapies, etc. You must have a powerful will to live, despite the s/h and s/i. You may feel like you "don't have a choice," but the choice was that you set things up to be "boxed in." That provides the structure to keep you on track. Your hope and belief in a better life is a powerful carrot, and the fear of being committed again or worse is the stick.


I'm proud of and inspired by you. Good work!

 

[Muted]

Wow, I think this is an incredibly insightful dream. I think your subconscious mind is trying to process some things to help you!

In other words they betrayed you, stole your power in an attempt to use that to destroy you.

I feel like your subconscious mind is desperately trying to help you make some type of sense in what happened in order to be able to file it and be able to rise above and move past the powerlessness of being stuck in the state of powerlessness.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

You must have a powerful will to live, despite the s/h and s/i

Actually both, I have a will to get better then live, and if that does not happen then die.

I don't want to live like life has been, it's not worth it, and nothing but pain. So for me it's forward progress, or nothing and the later is pretty absolute. So I am all in on the therapy. But I am pleased with the progress so far, so for the present I am going to live.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I think your subconscious mind is trying to process some things to help you!

I agree, that's why when my PDOC said he prescribe some blood pressure medicine that would shut the dreams down I said not now, but I will keep it as an option. If my mind is using the dream sphere to process, I don't want to shut it down. Even as disturbing as the dreams may be.

 

[Muted]

I agree, that's why when my PDOC said he prescribe some blood pressure medicine that would s...

You amaze me, I know you may not always feel strong, but I agree with @Lola Nocheprieta you are an inspiration !!