Urge To Jump Off Roof

[Leanne1]

My husband had been up on our roof for several hours, doing some repair from a storm. We had an argument earlier, so I went up onto the roof to try and talk to him.

I can't recal the conversation. I do remember becoming completely panicked. It was hard to breath, I couldn't hear his words, I was in danger.

I looked down from the roof, tensed my body, and prepared to run towards the edge, and jump.

In that moment I was no longer the mother of my son. I didn't remember he was in the house, playing. (I would never hurt him by hurting myself. )

In that moment I was no longer myself. I felt trapped, cornered.

The screaming was ringing in my ears. An echo of my screaming, from a time long ago? It felt like it. I needed to run, get away, make it stop.

The rational thing in that moment was to jump off the roof to get away. I felt myself do it. Felt the adrenaline pumping, getting me ready to do it.

In the end I didn't jump. I slowly climbed down the ladder.

All of this because my husband said I would feel better if I would just keep my car clean. This was probably his best idea for how I might reduce stress and become more grounded.

What happens to me. I'm scared of how extreme my reactions can be.

 

[Suzetig]

That sounds very scary for you, I'm glad you're safe but hear how frightening that extreme was for you. Has something like that happened before and how have you grounded yourself if it has?

When I'm driving I sometimes find myself thinking "I could just drive into that bridge, it would look like an accident, no one would know..." I know then that it's time for me to crank up loud music and sing along, ignore anything but other cars in the road etc... Is there anything you can do to interrupt the thought and buy you some time until the impulse passes?

 

[Leanne1]

I haven't experienced this kind of reaction before.

I can relate to having thoughts of driving and crashing my car, and other suicidal ideation. I experience this as thoughts, and when these thoughts start to happen, I have been practicing grounding my self.

The scary part for me about what happened on the roof was it was a full body response. Everything in me was saying I needed to jump. Like the urge to pull your hand out of a fire, my body wanted to flee. It needed to escape. Even if escaping meant jumping off a roof to get away. I don't know that I could have thought clearly enough to ground myself in that moment. Things were moving so fast.

I think this is something new I should learn, should something like this ever happen again.

And yet I didn't jump, so I must have found something that routed me into the present, reminded me of the things that are in my life, and of who I am.

I'm feeling gratitude for that. I really am.