Childhood Verbal Abuse From A Rageful Father

[SparkleCub]

I grew up afraid of my father. I used to dread him coming home, and vigilantly listen for signs that it might be an "angry" night -- how hard did he push in his chair? Did he stomp or walk normally? Was that a thoughtful look on his face, or the beginning of rage?

He didn't physically abuse, but his rages were terrifying. My brother had a disability, so more often than not I was the target. I can't remember the words he used, yet. I just remember the volume, the fear I felt, and how the whole house felt changed after he raged at me, stomped away, slammed the door to his room, and didn't come out for the rest of the night. It was cyclic, happening maybe once a month or once every couple months.

When I was 15 he became physically abusive along with his rage, and for some reason I drew the line there. I told him I would leave the home if he did it again. And he stopped. I've always viewed that as the end of the story -- the book is closed. But recently I was in a very abusive relationship which very much resembled my father's pattern. After I left her, I started seeing a therapist who has helped me start to dig in and remember some of the childhood stuff.

It's strange. Before this therapist, I -knew- my dad had rages, but I couldn't remember any details. Now, when I begin to remember details, it quickly turns into dissociation. It's getting better, but this sudden realization that what he did wasn't normal or healthy is throwing me off kilter.

Does this resonate with anyone?

 

[Ronin]

Does this resonate with anyone?

Yes. But my father was very physically abusive from infancy. Most of my family were.

 

[Anarchy]

Yes,
The rages continue, but it depends who is present for whether he shows it or not

I still find them very uncomfortable ( I'm in my 50s!)

Well done for drawing a line and sticking to it!

 

[gealach]

Does this resonate with anyone?

Absolutely!!!!! it was my mother, and unfortunately it wasn't once every month or two. The rages were, and still are, a ''normal'' part of her life. Add in some (ok, a lot of) physical abuse, and borderline neglect, and that's my childhood.

Good on you, for defending yourself. I wish you much healing.

 

[Abstract]

Present day negative relationships or experiences can have their foundations in childhood stuff and sometimes the two become entwined in certain ways. And sometimes the childhood things cause us to enter the present day dynamics.

I think sometimes we wouldn't react as strongly without the present day cherry on top. It can be sitting there and need just a dash more of the same to spill over the side and for us to experience those latent reactions. Other times there is just a delay between when it happens and we fully react. Strange I know but not unusual.

I'm really sorry your father behaved like this. Children shouldn;t have to walk on eggshells. Yes my father had big problems and we were on the receiving end of them.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I grew up afraid of my father. I used to dread him coming home, and vigilantly listen for signs tha...

Oh yeah, that strongly resonates with me. The anger tactic is a very common tactic among abusers. They use anger to control and manipulate a victim and all of the people that have abused me in the past have used anger as a tool to control me. It is very frightening and as soon as I read your post I had a lot of sorrow for you because I know how terrifying that really is. Yes, I used to listen to those signs of apparent anger rising up as well.... in my ex, I used to scrutinize his every movement in an attempt to discern how angry, how controlling, how incoherent or vicious he might be on any given day. Since I had a child as well I did this many times on his account.

 

[Leni]

My mom raged ... from time to time, when things got a bit too much. She was a single mother in a post-communistic hellhole in a middle of extremely chauvinistic society where at the end of the month she had to send me to my grandparents so I could get something to eat. I'm glad she hasn't done anything worse ... Trying to imagine myself in her situation ... ugh, let's just say I can't even do that, imagine myself in that horrible horrible hellhole.

No point to my cranial diarrhoea.

Hugs to you and yes, it's familiar. My mom's face ... but you could tell when she started raging, there were no doubts about it, she pursed her lips into this tiny wrinkly spot and her eyes turned ice cold.

I wonder what my face looks like when I rage on my own now these days ... I try not to do it in front of the kids, but even that's happened, unfortunately.

Let's hope my daughter understands that no matter how angry I get, I still love her more than life itself.

 

[greycrayon]

I grew up afraid of my father. I used to dread him coming home, and vigilantly listen for signs tha...

This resonates with me...I'm not sure what else to write as you put it so neatly.

 

[ElleKaye]

This resonates with me as well. When I was growing, up my father had a quick fuse. Some days he would a wonderful father who played card games and took us to the movies and McDonald's. When he was in a bad mood or something went wrong, he had a very bad temper. He was 6'5 and over 300lbs, so he was terrifying when he got angry. He screamed and threw things. He would say mean, hateful things to me, my sister, and mom (useless and stupid were pretty common amongst other things). We got off "lucky", he would do the same thing to my brother but would also be physically violent to him (hitting, pushing, kicking...). My brother has Autism (he's verbal but has the mind like 7 year old) and my dad would flip out if my brother got upset or did something wrong. After a violent episode, he would tell him and the rest of the family that he was going to send him away. It always ended with me and my sister in tears begging my dad not to send him to a facility.

My dad was so LOUD, to this day, whenever I hear him from another room sneezing, I tense up because I think he's yelling. I also flinch and have a difficult time when someone else sneezes, especially multiple times in a row, I usually have to cover my ears.

 

[JennaJenn]

This. I grew up afraid of my father too, I still am. The signs are also so clear too. That look he had on him, that tone of voice. The shaking. To this day I still cant think of something that terrified me more. And the shouting, the screaming that never stopped and me feeling paralized, knowing that nothing that I could do or say would make it stop. Did therapy help?

 

[purpleswirled]

I had a father like this too. He did occasionally get physically violent but those occasions were infrequent. He did often threaten us with violence though and even his raised voice would leave me shaking for days. Yet he wasn't a bad person. Although he did use to put us down aa lot and belittle and laugh at us when he wasn't in a rage. I never knew what I would get from him. I used to wish he was dead. so i would be safe

The times when he did get physically violent he used threatening us with knives etc. To be fair it was mostly my sister and my mum that got the physical abuse, I did get minor stuff like my hair being yanked because I got a bad grade at school (I had dyscalculia) and he yelled in my face. I remeber as a child him threatening to throw an object i asked for at me because i forgot to ask him nicely. I was about 5 and had poor social skills so was slow at learning please and thank you etc I also remember a time when i was in my teens and admittedly a bit of a handful, i was talking to someone on the phone and he was angry with me because he found out i had been seeing someone for mental health issues.He kicked me. not hard but in a way that i could sense his anger. But at same time it was so subtle I feel I could have imagined it. I have a history of paranoia and so was probably wrong about the kicking. I remember a stranger once touching me betwen my legs over my clothes once when I was 15 in a public place. I stood frozen to spot. His hand was moving like he wanted to put iut inside me. For a while afterwards i kept questioning it in my mind thinking i must have exaggerated it somehow. So it is possible the kicking memory is exaggerated. . I just remember always being afraid of my dad and have some early vague half-memories of being screamed at anbd stood over threateningly. I hate anyone standing over me or nehind me to this day. I jump out of my skin if that happens and startle easily at sudden sounds.

 

[purpleswirled]

"it happened in a cycle, maybe once or twice a month." Same here. keep telling myself it wasn't traumatic because the verbal abuse didn't happen every day. I FELT traumatised though and have a lot of symptoms of CPTSD.If some people can be traumatised by abuse that wasn't daily that does mean my symptoms begin to make sense.