Very Unstable, Confused By Myself

[Mallaky]

Hello, I have something I would like to ask you folk.

Do you also percieve yourself as very unstable in times of stress? What I want, if I want something, how I want it changes with the wind.

It is driving me nuts right now. Life has become uncertain and stressfull again, and I feel like I am losing myself.

I suffer from cptsd cause my first 20 years on this earth were suboptimal and after quite a peacefull time live, with all its stressors, has begun again. I am not doing so well.

One moment I believe playing videogames is a nice thing to do. One hour later I am disgusted by myself for being a lazy pig, two hours later I wonder were that silly self-criticism came from, and then I do not know what all the fuzz was about, games are boring. Everything goes from good, to bad, to neutral and I feel like I am losing my sense of self.

I tried to write a letter to someone, after I was done I had to delete it, cause I already was not the person anymore who wrote it. Read it and thought "Where the hell is this coming from, I do NOT agree with these words."
Isolated myself again, as I feel like the only thing that comes of it is me being afraid and emberressed of how I behaved, how I have shown myself, a few hours earlier.

Even my dreams become very chaotic in nature, from nice to horryfing and back.

Is this my dissociative disorder going haywire? How do I stabilize myself. Should I just make peace and accept it?

Unfortunately therapy is months and months away.

 

[Weemie]

very much so. i feel like i have a running commentary in my head of how i ought to be and how i need to exist and what i need to accomplish; this is like my vision of myself that i am constantly perfecting. when i fail to live up to it i get consumed with self-berating thoughts about how i am a failure and how i will never get ahead.

 

[Go Hungry]

Heya... Yeah, I am often the same way. Not as bad as I used to be, but sometimes I can find myself drifting through different states of mind. I think a lot of it started clearing up once I started looking at myself from the outside in. There's a line in Batman Begins where a lady says to Bruce something along the lines of "When it comes to who you are, it's not your internal thoughts... It is your actions that define you."

So I started doing that. Started viewing myself as others view me, because the person that I present to the world is what really defines me. I mean, yeah.. The person inside matters, matters a great deal. If it didn't, none of us would be on this site. But that person (inside) is built up of sometimes distorted memories... the reactions and prejudices built on top of each other over decades. Learning to let go of yourself, in order to Become Yourself is very hard, but ultimately quite worth it.

So when this stuff is going on, I suggest trying to step back and look at yourself from the Outside - In.. It helps me to calm down, to see the irrational ways in which I am behaving. It hurts a lot at first, because people tend to insulate themselves from the outside.. and in my case, I've seen how amazingly boring I really am. But that is getting better, as I make moves to become more valued to others and be less boring.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh wow, totally forgot the other part that I was planning on saying... Remember that Perfectionism, the expectation that you can be perfect somehow... It's an illusion. From the outside-in, people don't see -your- definition of perfection.. It isn't Real. Nobody can see you with your own eyes, so a great deal of the ugly criticism that you aim at yourself is mistaken... Don't get me wrong, I do this all the time... but I am trying (and getting better) at preventing it. And finally, keep in mind that this sort of ugly self-reflection is often just your symptoms.. It isn't you, it's the PTSD talking...

 

[holdenmonty]

I have noticed that if I forget to take my meds for two days in a row or every other day. I feel like I jump from one thing to the next in minutes and my mood changes often and randomly to different things.