Relationship Vet never yells, picks fights, acts out or walk out on me, how common is this really?

[Never_falter2]

@joeylittle suggested I start a thread to see how common this really is, maybe more common than what I think... who knows?
My vet never really yells at me. Sometimes he bosses me around. Example: we wanted to see relatives and he wanted us to leave early, because feared the roads would be jam-packed later and he has a PTSD thing with having his family in a traffic jam. He fears it. I was having a shower, he bang on the door every two minutes like bang-bang-bang „are you ready now, quick, quick, this is the slowest I have ever seen“, later I was packing a few things. He „why haven‘t you packed yesterday? Why are you being that slow? Am I responsible for packing YOUR bag now? Make haste. Quick, quick, quick“. Later in the car pointed out how he was always better prepared and quicker than me. This is very him when he is not feeling well, but he never really lost it... and his voice is bossy but not yelling... that is when he is behaving in an annoying way... but far more often than this he is behaving in a sweet natured and gentle way.
BTW when he does this I sometimes (not in this case but sometimes) yell at him to stop it and he typically stops it then and does not argue back. Other times a make fun of him bossing me and often he sees my point and laughs with me.
I never saw him pick a fight with anybody, in fact he avoids picking a fight at all costs.
He never walked out on me, but sometimes retreats to another room to paint a picture or read or whatever.
He never ever hit me.

How common is this? Please let me count you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD isn't going to make somebody yell if they aren't a yeller by nature though. It may give them feelings of anger, but everybody will respond to those feelings in their own ways.

Did he blow up and yell before he went to war?

 

[grimalkin]

Mine never walked out, until he was finally done. Screaming and belittling? Yeah, that happened, but generally only when he was symptomatic (which, ok, being untreated, was far too often). And he NEVER hit me - that's a hard and unwavering boundary I DO have.

He does seem to...not enjoy...picking verbal fights. But he will, and then gets incredibly angry when the other person actually dares to have an opinion - even if he agrees with it.

Like @Sweetpea76 said - it depends on their nature. Mine has cPTSD, and never really learned how to emote in a healthy way. His best-fits career-wise were the military and corrections, where his gruffness was expected and praised.

 

[squarefish]

Mine has never yelled at me, or possibly even raised his voice, in over 3 years. When he is sometimes mean it's by being distant and callous, but I think that's just his personality.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

My ex did get irate once early in the relationship, but he never hit me or acted like it. During the course of the relationship, he would be a little irritable at times, but he didn’t argue with me. We would have disagreements sometimes, but nothing serious. When he was about to leave me, he did create a reason to argue and belittle, but I didn’t know at the time it would lead to him leaving.

 

[Freida]

I get pissy and sarcastic when I'm afraid - usually when the ptsd kicks in. I broke some dishes back in the day but have never gotten violent and while I am known for isolating and taking off, hubby and I have a system in place to make sure he knows I'm safe. Bossy? Yea I'm bossy -- but I was like that before LOL

I think the "angry violent vet" thing comes from the news accounts of the ones that are at the far end of the spectrum. I know a lot of vets who carry a ton of anger but they don't lose their minds over it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It can be somewhat typical for combat vets to be aggressive... not "violent", but they were trained to fight in fight/flight situations. This training was reinforced in combat. A lot of it is probably personality, but I wouldn't discount this factor, especially when dealing with certain MOSs.

 

[OrangeJulius]

This sounds similar to my vet. He's not forthcoming with his feelings (surprise surprise) and one of the ways I feel the most loved is when I know I am irritating him (not purposefully) and he controls his anger and makes a calm statement requesting I do it a different way or stop whatever I'm doing or whatever it is (I can't think of an example). With other people he is very confrontational and enjoys raising his voice. He will be short with me, but I cant remember a single time he raised his voice at me since we started dating. And he did raise it at me when we were friends before we started dating. As far as physically violent.....he won't start a fight but he will finish one. I feel like this violent vet thing is more of a stereotype. If anything, the military gives you anger and shows you the proper direction and manner in which to unleash it. My boyfriend will confront anyone and everyone that he believes is disrespecting another being.