Vulnerability Is Not Weakness

[LanaD]

Hi everyone,

Trust is a big deal for all of us, it seems, and instead of hijacking watundah's post, Trust: The Final Frontier, I figured I'd create a new post in the hopes it's helpful to anyone (sorry if it's in the wrong place):

Firstly, one of my best friends used to say to me, "You don't have a wall around you, you have a FORTRESS!" My mom boasts of how independent her kids are but truth is we had no choice because she left us (more than once). So no, I'm neither trusting nor the vulnerable type.

My current therapy is centered around making me more vulnerable. This has been a nightmare at times because I was sexually assaulted, which made me feel all sorts of vulnerable and powerless. HOWEVER, this week (which at first seemed like the week from hell) has shown me how things seem to be coming together:

1. watundah mentions, "It's kind of like showing any weakness goes against survival of the fittest." It is imperative to understand: vulnerability is not weakness. I totally ignored my therapist when he said this because I don't quite trust him but then I watched a video which I highly, highly recommend (in fact I think everyone should watch it at least once): I can't post links so please search for Brene Brown's talk "The Power of Vulnerability." I now manage to watch it without crying (most of the time). This talk has been crucial to my treatment.

2. I'm happy to say that my experiment with vulnerability is yielding fruit - not that it has been easy. Example: Last week a guy I was seeing totally dropped off the face of the earth. "See you tomorrow" then poof! Gone! I was devastated, then I thought about it: for one, he was very clear about how he's closed off, and really, the way he would physically push me away made me feel just awful. Thing is he is the awful one and I felt deep sadness for him (and for the women whose young years he's wasted). I wondered, am I as awful as him?

3. Despite the disastrous end to that "relationship" (for lack of a better word) I am so happy that I managed to be a little vulnerable anyway! I know that I tried. And with the guy, there were some wonderful things about him and I am so glad and grateful for being able to share those good emotions with someone. What I discovered is that I can trust someone - the trick now is to trust the right people, I guess haha

So all in all, despite how hurt I was (and boy, was I hurt), I'm glad I managed to be a little vulnerable. The hurt from someone being awful like the guy was a quicker pain that's gone away, whereas the hurt from being in the fortress is like a heavy weight on my shoulders that I carry endlessly. Now, learning who to trust/entrust with what is also important but one thing at a time :)

I'd love to hear from people who've "tried" or "succeeded at" vulnerability.

 

[Chitoshi]

So maybe it's not vulnerability, but allowing yourself to trust?

"Vulnerable" as a word has bad connotations, I think. It's misconstrued as "helpless," right? So when you say "vulnerability is not weakness," we are using vulnerable as a synonym for trust. Do I understand correctly? :)

 

[LanaD]

So maybe it's not vulnerability, but allowing yourself to trust?

"Vulnerable" as a word has bad conno...

No. Vulnerability is more like letting ourselves be seen and trying without knowing (or caring even) what the results will be. It's not about the other person, it's about us. My therapist, for example, tells me to tell people how I feel. So if a friend says something that's hurtful, instead of sitting there and pretending all is OK while I actually feel hurt, I can say to my friend that what he said is hurtful.

One big, big challenge for those of us who aren't vulnerable is asking for help because asking for help IS a huge show of vulnerability. Many of us would rather struggle than ask for help. I'd always think, "Oh, these people are going to think I'm incapable/weak if I ask for help," or, "Of course they won't help me, why would they, I'm so needy." In fact, for the most part people are happy to help when they can, and will say no when they can't. It's not all black and white but for the most part it's not as horrible as I thought it'd be!

 

[LanaD]

So maybe it's not vulnerability, but allowing yourself to trust?

"Vulnerable" as a word has bad conno...

As to how vulnerability and trust actually relate, I am of course still learning all of this like a little kid, but in my experience so far by being more vulnerable I'm better able to trust myself, I feel, and, and here's the key, to connect with certain people on a deeper level, which in turn translates to trust. This doesn't mean that everyone is trustworthy but I can understand how the relationship becomes stronger and more trusting through vulnerability.

 

[EveHarrington]

So maybe it's not vulnerability, but allowing yourself to trust?

"Vulnerable" as a word has bad conno...

Not thread jacking but check out the thread mentioned by the OP. Maybe it will give more insight into vulnerability.

 

[Chitoshi]

@LanaD & @EveHarrington : Thank you both. I wanted to ask for clarification before I posted further because I wasn't sure if I had even "tried," let alone "succeeded" at being vulnerable. :)

 

[LanaD]

@LanaD & @EveHarrington : Thank you both. I wanted to ask for cl...

I'm no expert :) I only realized yesterday how I had been vulnerable. My therapist kept telling me I needed to do it but I didn't know what it looked like! If you like, please do watch the video and read the other post and share what you think? Together we can figure this out :)

 

[Chitoshi]

One big, big challenge for those of us who aren't vulnerable is asking for help because asking for help IS a huge show of vulnerability. Many of us would rather struggle than ask for help. I'd always think, "Oh, these people are going to think I'm incapable/weak if I ask for help," or, "Of course they won't help me, why would they, I'm so needy." In fact, for the most part people are happy to help when they can, and will say no when they can't. It's not all black and white but for the most part it's not as horrible as I thought it'd be!

I think, now that I understand, in reference to vulnerability and whether or not I've "tried" or "succeeded" at being vulnerable, I can share this with you:

I feel that yes, I have tried to be vulnerable in that I'm getting much better at asking for help when things are so overwhelming that I can't handle it. I fear rejection, and I am a recovering people-pleaser-holic, whatever that is called. If others aren't happy around me, I have this need to "make it better," and sometimes people take advantage of me because of that, my T says. We're also working on my lack of trust of some people vs. others. I tend to have an "all or nothing" approach that I've been trying to solve because trust should come in stages, according to my T? At least, that's how I understood it.

Anyways. Here is my "tried to be vulnerable," and maybe "succeeded"? I reached out to a friend about a trauma trigger I had a few months ago, and asked her if she would be willing to be a support system for me in the future when it happens again (if/when, I assume when). I felt I trusted her enough to be vulnerable about my trauma, and asked if, when I was in need, if she would be someone I could call and she would be able to respond in an emergency on my end. She responded well when I had my trigger, and I think I succeeded in reaching out for help and being vulnerable with her, because she said yes, she could be on my "emergency contacts" list, and has since been a great pillar for me if others higher up on my "emergency phone tree" aren't available.

I hope this is what you meant. :) If not, I'm sorry!

 

[LanaD]

I think, now that I understand, in reference to vulnerability and whether or not I've "tried" or "succ...

Thanks for sharing! I don't think there's right or wrong here, though :) Let me just say that I totally relate to what you said: "I fear rejection, and I am a recovering people-pleaser-holic" and "I have this need to "make it better"" and "I tend to have an "all or nothing" approach." My T reminds me that things aren't black and white as I seem to think haha The idea of increasingly trusting someone is very new to me, too, so I'm trying to understand that.

Good for you that you asked a friend! I'm glad she can be there for you :) I think, though, that "succeeding" for us would mean simply being able to ask for help, so not necessarily having someone being able to help us. I mean, I wonder if for you this is the same: just the idea of asking someone for help was terrifying. Being able to actually ask someone for help for me is an achievement in itself, so that's what I'd consider "succeeding" at being vulnerable. Of course it's great if the other person says "yes" but I don't think that even matters because it's not about the other person, it's about us.

 

[Tinyflame]

I do not agree that being vulnerable is positively corelated with being able to ask for help. I am vulnerable and not able. JMHO though.

 

[Tinyflame]

I should say extremely difficult* to ask for help, I have asked for help. Easier if anonymously done. I don't think vulnerability has allowed it, it's just not being treated badly because of vulnerability that has made it at all possible.

 

[Chitoshi]

I do not agree that being vulnerable is positively corelated with being able to ask for help. I am vulnerable and not able. JMHO though.

I should say extremely difficult* to ask for help, I have asked for help. Easier if anonymously done. I don't think vulnerability has allowed it, it's just not being treated badly because of vulnerability that has made it at all possible.

I never thought of it from that perspective. I was just sharing what I thought it looked like from where everything stands where I'm at. :) I just correlate it with vulnerable because asking for help makes me feel extremely vulnerable, haha. I'm not sure if it's a positive or negative correlation? I just felt, from my personal experience with this, that it was related.

I still haven't really figured out vulnerable as a positive?

Google says: "
adjective
adjective: vulnerable

• susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.
  "we were in a vulnerable position"
  synonyms: helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent, weak, susceptible
  "he was scared and vulnerable"
  • (of a person) in need of special care, support, or protection because of age, disability, or risk of abuse or neglect.
    "employees must be better trained in how to deal with vulnerable young people"
  • Bridge
    (of a partnership) liable to higher penalties, either by convention or through having won one game toward a rubber."

I'm still not sure how exactly to see vulnerable as a positive thing, or how to look at it in any way. Whenever I've heard the word "vulnerable," my first thought is "needs protection" and I still don't know if that's the right way to think of it. Food for thought, for sure. My brain has had to work really hard on this one. :confused: