I'm not sure where I'm at right now, just want a space to type some things out, also wondering if others can relate to any of this.
I'm currently in the process of going through handler training with a service dog organization. I matched with a dog a little over a month ago, and I went to my first training intensive this week. It was a really stressful environment: new places, new people, first time working with my dog as a handler, a lot of classroom learning and a lot of going out and doing access training in places I normally would avoid. I handled it really well. I was able to use the dog to ground when I got triggered in a store, and I wasn't experiencing suicidal ideation or self harm issues where normally that sort of overwhelming environment would cause those to spike. And since I've been back home, while I experienced some exhaustion the first couple days and I'm still not totally back on schedule I haven't had any major symptom flares.
I found that I was able to assimilate with the combat PTSD individuals (I'm the only civilian PTSD case currently) pretty well and I think for the most part I was accepted and respected. I also thought I did well with staying open, letting myself share and feel and not feeling too embarrassed when I broke down. Feeling any of the emotions around my trauma is still pretty new to me- I've been way too numb for way too long. The thing is the staff actually seems to value me and my skill set, and there may be a place for me to help contribute to the organization in the future once I'm settled in. This could be the start of a family of people who really understand. I want to be hopeful. I just am finding it difficult to trust that this is going to continue to be a supportive nurturing environment. I've consistently been abandoned by those close to me when I become too much for them. It's really hard for me to let people in.
And then there's also the questions that working with a SD brings up: I know that my PTSD severely limits my functioning, and intellectually I get that I fall under ADA definition and that if it helps, it's worth it. But right now, if someone were to confront me (and at some point someone likely will, probably in a confrontational manner) I would be really shaken. Because on my end there's still that guilt and self doubt: "Am I really disabled enough to justify this?" "What right do I have to ask for this help?". And all of those questions (given that I can make a case for disability under the ADA) really boil down to the core belief that I have no right to be happy, or to feel better.
And I think ultimately that's a lot of what's been bothering me since I got home: when things go wrong it impacts me, but some part of my mind says that's par for course, that's safe. When it looks like something's going to go right it's like everything rebels and tries to self sabotage so I won't trust it/pursue it and can't get hurt.
I'm currently in the process of going through handler training with a service dog organization. I matched with a dog a little over a month ago, and I went to my first training intensive this week. It was a really stressful environment: new places, new people, first time working with my dog as a handler, a lot of classroom learning and a lot of going out and doing access training in places I normally would avoid. I handled it really well. I was able to use the dog to ground when I got triggered in a store, and I wasn't experiencing suicidal ideation or self harm issues where normally that sort of overwhelming environment would cause those to spike. And since I've been back home, while I experienced some exhaustion the first couple days and I'm still not totally back on schedule I haven't had any major symptom flares.
I found that I was able to assimilate with the combat PTSD individuals (I'm the only civilian PTSD case currently) pretty well and I think for the most part I was accepted and respected. I also thought I did well with staying open, letting myself share and feel and not feeling too embarrassed when I broke down. Feeling any of the emotions around my trauma is still pretty new to me- I've been way too numb for way too long. The thing is the staff actually seems to value me and my skill set, and there may be a place for me to help contribute to the organization in the future once I'm settled in. This could be the start of a family of people who really understand. I want to be hopeful. I just am finding it difficult to trust that this is going to continue to be a supportive nurturing environment. I've consistently been abandoned by those close to me when I become too much for them. It's really hard for me to let people in.
And then there's also the questions that working with a SD brings up: I know that my PTSD severely limits my functioning, and intellectually I get that I fall under ADA definition and that if it helps, it's worth it. But right now, if someone were to confront me (and at some point someone likely will, probably in a confrontational manner) I would be really shaken. Because on my end there's still that guilt and self doubt: "Am I really disabled enough to justify this?" "What right do I have to ask for this help?". And all of those questions (given that I can make a case for disability under the ADA) really boil down to the core belief that I have no right to be happy, or to feel better.
And I think ultimately that's a lot of what's been bothering me since I got home: when things go wrong it impacts me, but some part of my mind says that's par for course, that's safe. When it looks like something's going to go right it's like everything rebels and tries to self sabotage so I won't trust it/pursue it and can't get hurt.
