General Walked Away When Hubby Wanted An Argument

[amethist]

What the heck he thought he was going to achieve last night is beyond me this morning.He was up for a full blown argument, and I was not buying into any of it. He tried big style to get me to argue with him, just because he asked why he was so tired and the rest of the usual stuff. I only said "If you did a bit more each", and that's all I got to. He cut in saying, " So how can I do stuff 24/7, I'm F#####d as it is". At that point I knew I was onto a looser if I even tried to explain anything, so I told him I would talk when he was feeling calmer and in a frame of mind to listen and understand. He still pushed as I walked away, leaving him with a face like a "Slapped arse", chuntering at me, about how I never listened or took him seriously.

Yea right as if I am like that with him anytime.

Today he is in a bit of a rough state, all because he wanted an argument last night, and now realizing he was way out of line with it and is feeling as guilty as hell.

I went out as I had to go pick some things up this morning. My daughter arrived early, so I went with her, while he was still asleep, getting back to a very sheepish and apologetic husband.

He did tell me that he was annoyed that I would not argue, when he wanted to, but understood that walking away from him was the right thing to do. But also worried that even though he knew I was going out for a few hours this morning, I would not come back. Nothing new there then, he often thinks this, even though I have never ever given him cause to think this, though he has given me every reason to think about it in the past.

It seems he is angry at his family for abandoning him now he is ill, when he was the one who was always there to help out when they needed it. So he was angry and I was there, but it did not work, and now he has to work out a way to tell them how he feels, and not take it out on me anymore.

If he can't deal with it, then maybe the Doberman would like to come out to play again. One of his sisters has already heard her growl, maybe time th rest of them did too.

Amethist

 

[The Albatross]

Good for you, enforcing a boundary and not being goaded into his pattern of dealing with frustration and distress. Sounds like you were able to do it kindly and gently... tactfully. My husband has abandonment issues too... and it is not easy at times to be consistent with this. Over time, with practice, we have been able to practice this... and he is less fearful of abandonment, and put in a position where - once he comes around and sees he can't shunt his feelings off by conjuring up and argument with me - he has to verbalize the real causes of his distress and move through them. My husband used to blow like a volcano. And he's not the PTSD. It was really important to stop his habit of creating conflict, because once he starts screaming, I trigger.

The insecurity of you not being available... is normal. My husband used to go through that too... I just try to make sure I do something kind and loving when he's able to receive it... and listen if he wants to talk... rather than argue. If he talks instead of acts out... I can accept that, even if I don't like what he has to say.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Amethist))) it is so hard, a difficult situation but you know what, you did great :tup:. As Alba said, you maintained those boundaries.

Take care
KP

 

[Srain]

Great job :tup:.

I can understand your husband's side ;) BUT you were right to stop it. My husband knows it too and it helps to stop me from getting completely out of this realm because honestly that is what happens at time :tdown:

It's good to read this and remind myself how it looks from YOUR side, thank you!! :)

(((((((hugs))))))))
Rain

 

[amethist]

Hubby has been so much calmer today, a bit down because of last night. Like I told him though, that was last night, he understood what happened, apologized, and now we move on again.

Now sat hurling abuse at the Ref on TV, so he has dealt with it and back to his calmer self, apart for shouting at the TV. I wont say anything about that though, cos I did that watching rugby a few weeks ago. :whistling:

 

[OKRADLAK]

LOL! I used to hate it when my carer did this, but he would always come back and tell me he loved me.

The other one used to wall me off or hit me. That sucked. But you love your sufferer. :)

 

[amethist]

We do still have a strong bond OKRADLAK, it has helped being together and married for 7 years before all this hit us.

Like he says often, he might be a pain in the neck, but he is my pain in the neck. Still got his crazy sense of humour, which can be scary at times. The gleam in his eye has me on edge sometimes. :roflmao:

 

[ISupportHer]

It IS very hard. I'd say your response and not allowing yourself to escalate things was a learned response. It is so easy, especially when first facing all this, to try to argue a point. Definitely a "pick your battles" experience, this PTSD. thing.

ISH

 

[myvetswife]

I look up to you for what you have done in that situation!

 

[ScaredButHopeful]

Inspiring. I wonder though how you keep it together when you really are not in a space to cope or thinking clearly? My wife also has abandonment issues as well as PTSD. She'll start a fight over the littlest of things. I try to direct it into a positive tone by using listening and using a calming voice. Sometimes though, I'm just too tired or stressed to manage the situation – particularly if my wife is belligerent. I get angry, want to step away and the downward spiral continues. How do you do it?

 

[amethist]

You have to set the boundaries of what you will not tolerate while she is in a good place, then you can use them when things spiral.

She will get angry if you walk away, or go out, but as long as you have done the above, and calmly explain that you will be back in say an hour, she will have calmed down by then and in time will understand why you did this.

My husband will still try the guilt thing, saying things like "Yea run away, you know your wrong so go on walk off". But when he has had time to cool down and think about it all he soon see's that he was in the wrong, and there was really no need for his outburst.

I used a similar thing with my oldest daughter a few weeks back, (No PTSD, just PMT). She started moaning big style about her 2 young kids, who are 5 and 6 1/2, when it was her who had the problem. I told her to stop blaming the kids and get her won act together, then put the phone down. She phoned back a few days later, and apologized, also saying she would get her PMT sorted.

Its tough when you know they are in pain, but why should you take the abuse, which is what it is in a way. Leaving them to calm down is better than staying trying to explain to them what you see, as at that time they will NOT see it as it is. You will have to wait until they ask you, and want to talk in a way that you both can discuss it calmly.

 

[Sunshine71]

I wonder... my husband said that he wants to take up fighting. Great a 40 year old guy with PTSD who has had a heart attack too. I have said no I am not standing by and supporting him with this. Use his bl@@dy punch bag if anything!

However he frequently feels numb. So I wonder if the arguing/ wanting to fight and with my husband wanting to do adrenaline things is so that they can feel.

With love Sunshine