General Walking Over Eggshells

[quietpool]

I wanted to know if what I am experiencing with my sufferer spouse is ptsd or something else.

I had a conversation with them last night where they shared some thoughts and feelings, they had seen the therapist that afternoon. I had some questions about where they were at emotionally with their job because they said they felt like they were going to break. I wanted to know what that meant and did we need to make an action plan etc. This was fine for the most part. But the conversation still ended with them seeming stressed, shut down etc.

I know that logically that reaction makes sense and that sufferers seem to do this when too stressed.

I also know that I tend to take in the reaction and feel that it was my fault due to my codependency program from my abusive family.

I plan to work on m codependency and not taking responsibility for all their emotions as I have in the past.

However I still feel like I am walking over eggshells with any conversation simple or complex. And last night they seemed to go off to bed sulking and not saying anything else.

Maybe my codependency has fostered this dynamic, I am not sure.

But I swear that its not just that I feel responsible they are upset I feel they do blame me and then shut down and sulk. Normally I would run after them apologizing and fussing over them trying to fix it and make everything okay. Last night I just let them sulk off to bed. I do feel like they are being a little emotionally manipulative and they certainly would get something out of an interaction where I rush in apologizing and feel guilty and try to make everything better.

I know the best fix is for me to get some firm boundaries, but I just want to be sure I am not crazy, that this is indeed them being a stinker and not just a symptom of ptsd- or maybe its both?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi,
Can you clarify. Do you mean that you *feel* blamed, or are there words spoken where they are actually blaming you? It is possible that you are taking on feelings of blame that aren't actually being expressed by your sufferer. I am not saying these situations are all your fault, rather, I know that I can take on feelings of blame that aren't actually there...also based on my childhood family dynamics.

Its possible that your sufferer is being manipulative. It is possible that their stress cup is overflowing and they just need time alone. Its hard to say for sure. But, I think that you can work on strengthening your own boundaries. Are you able to seek out therapy on your own? I think that would help you manage your need (?) to always fix things and make everything OK, even when it isn't your fault. (I say this as the example you gave seems to have been a work issue that didn't involve you, but you still wanted to fix things and make it all better.)

 

[KwanYingirl]

Just when you get finished worrying and overthinking a sufferers state of mind- it changes. PTSD is a roller coaster. Sometimes the pain is not at all bearable sometimes a short nap clears the brain, you just never really know how and when the collapsed mood reinflates.

Take good care of you. Don't be a martyr. You deserve to feel good too. I prefer not being in a relationship because I like being alone on my bad days and not have to pretend I'm ok to appease a SO.

 

[quietpool]

Hi Solara,
It seems to be a more visible thing than a verbal thing. I feel blamed when something I say results in a change of body language. They seem to droop, sulk and then shut down or give me the silent treatment.

I was thinking I was taking on feelings that were not actually there either and I was trying to find a way to differentiate between when I do that and or they are being manipulative. My logic was that if I was taking in their pain and feeling upset, it would be more of a state of feeling bad because they feel bad. And sometimes I can catch myself when I see I feel driven and responsible to fix things when they feel bad.

Maybe them sulking and retreating is a sign that there stress cup is full, it just frequently seems to happen after I have said something.

The work issue we talked about was not about me for sure and I actually did not really fall into trying to fix it like I normally would. I did however feel compelled to fix whatever upset them after I asked them questions about the situation. I felt like it was my fault for somehow adding to that stress cup and that is why they shut down. I did manage to leave them be this time!

It feels like I really can't say much of anything to them at times.

I have a really good therapist :) I plan on working on some of the codependency issues with them.

 

[quietpool]

Just when you get finished worrying and overthinking a sufferers state of mind- it changes. PTSD is a roller coaster. Sometimes the pain is not at all bearable sometimes a short nap clears the brain, you just never really know how and when the collapsed mood reinflates.

Take good care of you. Don't be a martyr. You deserve to feel good too. I prefer not being in a relationship because I like being alone on my bad days and not have to pretend I'm ok to appease a SO.

Thank you, that's a good point. Either way I need to get some distance and perspective when these type of things come up and do self care.

I can understand choosing to be alone and focusing on taking care of you :)

 

[arfie]

Somewhere in the course of working through my own co-dependency issues I realized that my mind-reading talents really suck. I am still trying to kick the habit of trying. I can barely keep track of my own thoughts and motives, much less other people's. I shifted the focus from trying to figure them out to honest inventories of my own capabilities. Most of the time there is nothing I can do about what goes on in another person's head, no matter how much I love them.

Let me catch @KwanYingirl 's wave and encourage you to take care of you. Gently. Respectfully.

 

[quietpool]

arfie thank you for the thoughts! What you are saying makes sense and I know my mind reading talents are not always great as well. I like your statement "honest inventories of my own capabilities". Your right I can't control what goes on in spouses mind.

I will just have to keep working towards stepping back and being an observer instead of reactive, and take care of myself.

 

[quietpool]

I was still feeling confused and frustrated with sorting through and understanding my spouse reactions so I decided to ask them to help me differentiate.
It turns out I wasn't wrong about them being upset with what I said, but it was because of how they hear things. This is a problem they hear things through a pretty negative filter. So they were angry or what I would describe as sulking.

Also we talked about whether or not our conversations were occurring at a point when their stress cup is too full etc.

It seems each thing is dependent on situation and we discussed coming up with a plan in therapy to communicate about which thing it is, ptsd (cup full), trigger, or how they hear things.

This is not an easy or immediate fix though because they have not yet really started figuring out what is going on with themselves enough to communicate it in the moment.

But at least for the time being I have some better understanding.

Thank you for all the helpful comments, I think the suggestions will still apply going forward :)