Want to Hurt Inner Child

[Overcoming]

I don't know if this will make any sense, but I am so over this 9 yo little girl coming up every time someone shows nurturing contact. I feel pain and terror as I am overcome by the feeling that something terrible will happen. I will not be able to keep it in check and may smother someone who I have a friendship or mentoring relationship with. I want to annihilate this inner child that keeps invading and causing so much anxiety and rage. Screw her!!!!!!!!! Yes, I've tried reparenting. I'm sick of it. I really want to scream. It is making me feel like I am losing touch with reality.

 

[grit]

Are you in therapy? you cannot smother your inner child anymore than you cannot stop this pain as it is.
I hope you find the right therapist to have safe space to let it all out and observe and see what lays ahead.

 

[Overcoming]

I am. It's is like I go into therapy and am fine, but if I'm triggered it's full-blown, loss-my-business, chaos. If I can sleep to avoid, I will, but with my responsibilities at the moment, I don't have the time. Feeling disconnected and angry.

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are experiencing anger and disconnected. and thank you for sharing that with me. I do not have the right words or any words now but I just wanted to note I read your comment.

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you @grit . I ended up taking an anxiety pill and that reduced some of the panic and feeling of unreal. I have things to work through.

 

[EveHarrington]

What kinds of things have you done as a part of reparenting?

Really, I hate that word. I prefer to think of it as giving her everything she needs but didn’t get, but still, my little one makes relationships impossible for me.

 

[Skywatcher]

I had a really special childhood memory on a farm and leave my younger self there to play and explore. There are also comforting people in that memory. She is well cared for.

 

[Overcoming]

I have done butterfly hugs and self-soothing, talking to the child to acknowledge her presence, a safe place where she is and I can check in on her and love on her. What my struggle is is that when a person, a female, demonstrates an act of compassion that seems nurturing, it is an immediate reaction of longing, but then of fear of rejection or doing something wrong, and then I self-harm because I am upset that I am feeling those things. It downward spirals into a deep depression. If it gets real wonky, like today, I begin to feel like I am losing it and cannot connect with reality, dissociate, then insert panic attack with chest pain.

 

[Skywatcher]

I have done butterfly hugs and self-soothing, talking to the child to acknowledge her presence, a safe place where she is and I can check in on her and love on her. What my struggle is is that when a person, a female, demonstrates an act of compassion that seems nurturing, it is an immediate reaction of longing, but then of fear of rejection or doing something wrong, and then I self-harm because I am upset that I am feeling those things. It downward spirals into a deep depression. If it gets real wonky, like today, I begin to feel like I am losing it and cannot connect with reality, dissociate, then insert panic attack with chest pain.

Oh. I understand what you are saying here. I have been through a similar transference. I am sorry. It is hard.

 

[hithere]

I have done butterfly hugs and self-soothing, talking to the child to acknowledge her presence, a safe place where she is and I can check in on her and love on her. What my struggle is is that when a person, a female, demonstrates an act of compassion that seems nurturing, it is an immediate reaction of longing, but then of fear of rejection or doing something wrong, and then I self-harm because I am upset that I am feeling those things. It downward spirals into a deep depression. If it gets real wonky, like today, I begin to feel like I am losing it and cannot connect with reality, dissociate, then insert panic attack with chest pain.

I don't have any advice. wow, does this sound like me... I can so relate this. Yes, it is an awful way to feel. Especially when you have responsibilities AND you'd just like to live your life and friends. Recently I do feel a shift or a release in this area. Somehow I could finally see and quit skirting the issue that so much of the "trauma" wasn't the "events" but my family... I had a week of non stop sobbin and anger about that. I think I've started to let her off the hook some, and see that not all people are like my family; big fakers!

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you asked your inner child what she needs? How she feels? What she wants? Mine tells me she is SCARED! She wants to feel safe and comforted. She does something very specific to let me know she needs me, nothing emotional or tantrum like, but it kicks me into gear to take care of her. I think the key is to have a dialogue with your inner child. When she needs me, she can’t talk, that’s why she signals me. When I am feeling childlike I can’t talk.

 

[meander]

I have done butterfly hugs and self-soothing, talking to the child to acknowledge her presence, a safe place where she is and I can check in on her and love on her. What my struggle is is that when a person, a female, demonstrates an act of compassion that seems nurturing, it is an immediate reaction of longing, but then of fear of rejection or doing something wrong, and then I self-harm because I am upset that I am feeling those things. It downward spirals into a deep depression. If it gets real wonky, like today, I begin to feel like I am losing it and cannot connect with reality, dissociate, then insert panic attack with chest pain.

Oh I could have written this word for word right down to the female figure and the chest pain! How did you break out of it?