Childhood Wanting Abuse To Happen Again So I Can Let My Feelings Out

[purpleswirled]

ok this is going to sound weird. I have always been afraid of the abuse happening again until recently- i find myself wanting it to simply so i can say that yes it happened and i am not making it up, exaggerating. Although i go through life with anxiety and extreme fear I cannot really cry or let my feelings out unless i self harm or try to cause chaos in a relationship. I don't know why I can't feel. i really want to cry but I can't. Then somethng wil upset me and i will becomke hysterical and start screaming. today i am seeing family. i am nervous but i kind of want ta confrontation because if the abuse hapens again then i can remind myself i'm not making it up. but last time i felt like this about abuse and saw my family my mother ended up beaten up. i thought i had wished it on myself . witnessing my mother being beaten caused days of flashbac ks, pamic attacks and inability to function. i feel i cause abuse by reading sbout it or ta
lking about it some days. is and is this possible? i don't enjoy being abused but i crave being able to feel something in relation to it because i feel abnormal for not crying pr being unable to release pain by self harm

 

[Rani G2]

don't enjoy being abused but i crave being able to feel something in relation to it because i feel abnormal for not crying pr being unable to release pain by self harm

You are NOT abnormal purpleswirled! This is a coping mechanism, it doesnt make sense on the surface, but a selfpart of yours thinks that going through it again YOU might be able to experience a different outcome.

You are going through so much pain and struggle that the numbness is a protective role, and in being in those conditions(Even if this might sound illogical at first) You are doing your best to cope and deal with it. It might not be the a healthy way, but these are survival tactics, and thats how its need to be seen.

 

[Lionheart]

My suggestion @purpleswirled is to allow yourself to feel your feelings, start a diary here on the forum and pour your feelings out.

It is completely normal to feel a bit numb, as @PURUSHA said, it is a coping mechanism, but is probably not healthy...

Allow other people to help and support you, you have been traumatized and are in pain...it lies just beneath the surface of your numbness.

It is painful to feel so many repressed feelings, but if you let them out, a little at a time, it won't be so overwhelming and you won't need to numb out anymore.

I understand about feeling anger, helplessness and hopelessness, I also witnessed my mother being beaten and she was also raped in front of me when I was 9 or 10 yrs old.

You are a normal person having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

You are not alone here, we can help...

It is painful but not impossible to heal...you can do this!!!

I sincerely wish you all the best,

Lionheart777

 

[The Albatross]

Maladaptive desire/want/wish to fill the need for validation and emotional release?

Rationally, it seems to me the issue is blocked emotions and the fact that you would like to cry or experience other emotions but can't. It is also an impulse control issue as you also shared, "i will becomke hysterical and start screaming". This can be remedied without wanting/needing "i kind of want ta confrontation because if the abuse hapens again then i can remind myself i'm not making it up".

In fact, you validated yourself already in your opening post, "i find myself wanting it to simply so i can say that yes it happened and i am not making it up, exaggerating. Although i go through life with anxiety and extreme fear I cannot really cry or let my feelings out unless i self harm or try to cause chaos in a relationship. I don't know why I can't feel. i really want to cry but I can't. Then somethng wil upset me and i will becomke hysterical and start screaming." If you read, and reread... you will find a lot of thoughts loaded into your thread title "wanting abuse to happen again so I can let my feelings out".

I think that it's good you are recognizing that this is a destructive cycle of behavior for yourself and your relationships.

The core issue is that you want to be able to trust your abilitiy to assess situations rather than have self doubts.

Another core issue is that you have a pattern of needing the emotional release of self harm or causing chaos in a relationship and you are frustrated that either you can't name what you feel or are blocked or you flip the switch and over react. That is all about emotional regulation and emotional dysregulation.

I don't think it's a coincidence that you're having these thoughts ahead of another family visit. Can you reframe this as an acknowledgment about how this maladaptive coping tactic affects you and your relationships and dig a bit deeper on how to endeavor to learn/acquire new tools or skills to meet less explosive and damaging emotional needs so that you don't feel the need to self harm or create chaos?

I expect you have enough/ample evidence that the abuse is valid and don't really think that's what your after. What your after in addition to less harmful methods to express, seems to be self doubting thoughts/feelings when you are away/not in abusive situations (your own or witnessing others). Overthinking can be a maladaptive distraction to keep your emotions at bay until they become high enough in levels that they need to be released and no longer contained.

Can you think of less harmful ways to manage?

 

[MisterCatLady]

Thinking that your thoughts or talking about abuse causes bad things to happen is called magical thinking. It's a major symptom of OCD but it's also very common in PTSD sufferers. A lot of us were conditioned to think we hold some sort of evil power when really we've been under someone else's control.

Wanting the abuse to happen again is completely normal and you are at a gigantic advantage by acknowledging it. Sometimes victims find themselves in similar abusive situations over and over again which is their subconscious looking to recreate the abuse in hopes of a different outcome. You are normal and you are so one of us. I'm glad you're here.

 

[purpleswirled]

MisterCatLady "you are normal and so one of us and I'm glad you are here"...bless you @MisterCatLady .That is a beautiful thing to say and it helps me feel less hopeless about the whole thing. I do actually have a diagnosis of OCD- both rituals and intrusive thoughts (pure o) and have battled since age 7. Sometimes my triggers were random but I also remember episodes that happened after abuse where I would be superstitious about things. I also would do crazy things like throw away jewellery i'd worn when an abuse incident happened and also stopped listening to certain songs i associated with it. I fedlt that by throwing these things away would keep me safe from it happening again. sounds irrational but that is how it "helped" me gain a sense of control

 

[Muttly]

I think you've gotten some really good advice here. If you are abnormal than so am I, because I could have written a post that would be so very similar. I've talked to my therapist about these thoughts. She doesn't find it weird and works at validating what I'm feeling and reminding me of the ways I've gotten away (and thus won) from my abusers.

 

[purpleswirled]

I think you've gotten some really good advice here. If you are abnormal than so am I, because I could ha...

Thanks Muttly. I like to think, yes, I have survived. l like to feel I have survived. and my being here still is a way to prove they haven't won