Childhood Wanting To Be Free

[Jnean]

When I was 9 years old I remember being homeless with my mother, sister and brother. My brother had a friend that took us in for the summer. It was probably the best summer of my life. My mom, sister and I all shared a bed in a room of our own, ate lots of good food, ate snacks that we had , hiding in our room. My brother stayed in with his friend. My mom and the parents of my brothers friend stayed up late talking and praying for people. Prior to that experience I have bits and pieces. I know we ended up homeless to begin with because of my parents separating. I know that my dad was not a kind father and still my mom took care of him when he came home drunk, angry and sick.

My dad used to bathe me. Is it truly possible that he hurt me in the bath like my one memory keeps showing me over and over again, could he do such a thing to me, he was always so proud of me...that is till he left us homeless. After that it was as if he didn't want us anymore but for some reason I didnt care or at least I surely think I'm better off with weekly phone calls. For awhile now I have been just sick over it all. I've finally been able to admit my memories to myself.

I know there's a lot that I have to process and get through with my therapist but this will be what we start working on tomorrow first. Of course I'm nervous but I remind myself that I am safe now and it's not happening all over again.

I have my dad, my moms friend, my first boyfriend, and my last boyfriend who have hurt me but seriously one thing at a time, it's not like the memories are going anywhere. What's the rush on healing right, at least I am trying. I just need to remember I survived. I'm a survivor. And no matter the time it takes to really feel comfortable in my own skin again that it will come, right?

 

[j1999]

it'll come. i believe in you <3

 

[ladee]

Thank you for sharing. And no, the memories aren't going anywhere, but you are owning the memories and willing to heal. You are so worth it.. regardless of what others have done, we are still worth what ever it takes to transcend the pain..... once we are on this journey of healing, our lives start to have more meaning. And it seems each of us go thru things in order to help someone else going thru the same things..... you are not only a survivor... you are a warrior..... and you are worth the work.... to be set free.

 

[Jnean]

Thank you for sharing. And no, the memories aren't going anywhere, but you are owning the memories and wil...

Thank you very much

 

[Jnean]

it'll come. i believe in you <3

Means alot to hear!

 

[Jnean]

Met with my T today. Gave good insight. Hasn't fully set in yet. I know because I so often feel shame, saddened, and still not in control, in still moments once I get to process. I procrastinate as long as I can. I want to understand my triggers and have useful tools to keep me from resisting. My T says I am resistant but can see me getting more and more trusting as our sessions progress. It makes me mad when my T asks me every session in some sneaky way what happened in one specific recurring memory that I have. I don't remember. My T says I don't have to remember to heal. I'm grateful for that but still wonder why I keep hearing the same question that I don't have an answer for. What happened that night, I don't know if I will ever allow myself to go there. My mind will only remember what it handle right?

 

[Jnean]

Upon processing I realized that I talked about my DV relationship today maybe because I have gone through years of therapy to get peace after that and so I felt safer talking about that than I do my childhood sexual abuse. I shut down when I said something and I can't go back and remember what that was. All I remember was saying this is too much and that i wanted it to be time to go. But I felt safe. I find it interesting that I can just shut down when I had no intention to but when I want to shut down I can't. I'm reading a book that's been helpful called The Body Keeps The Score. Learning alot but can only read it in small doses. Back to my DV, would make sense that I would be with someone so sadistic. I always have to shut down after therapy. Off to watch TV.

 

[ladee]

jnean, sounds like you have made a lot more progress than you give yourself credit for... and I 'get' the shutting down thing.. I do it too. I won't even realize I have done it until something happens and I realize I did not feel or respond in a way that was appropriate for the situation... ahhh, yes, shut down... but that's OK.... that is our 'safe place' and I have accepted that it will always be there. I don't remember a lot either... just little 'snippets' of things... but have healed and continuing to heal the best I can.I agree with you that maybe we just couldn't handle it.... doesn't make us wrong, or not willing, for me, it is me accepting that in some ways I am more fragile than I would allow others to know.... you are making great progress..... very proud of you for having the desire to heal... that is how we get our power back..... sending you hugs of encouragement... gentle hugs.