Wanting To Talk About It...but Not Knowing What To Say...?!

[Suzetig]

It feels like this realisation should be freeing and should make me feel...better in some way...? Like it should feel easier now I can give him responsibility rather than blaming myself. But it doesn't. It feels...unsettling. I think because, if I accept their narrative...it makes me feel quite anxious to think what that makes me...or who that means I am now...? Or something!

This is what I'd be taking to therapy - as slowly as you need to, but I think this is where the work is.

 

[barefoot]

@NightSky I read you post but didn't have time to reply just before I went into my session.

I totally relate to your whack-a-mole analogy! :-)

My therapist talks a lot about there being no "right" way to do therapy, that it isn't linear, that we can't force things...it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes, but I do believe it's true. Today, she encouraged me to "trust the process", which is such a cliche in terms of therapy speak but it does offer some...spaciousness...and some breathing space around the challenges of sitting in a room talking if we can be open to that concept instead of keep making ourselves be wrong. Not sure if that makes sense...feeling rather brain-drained!

 

[barefoot]

@Suzetig - I didn't see your last post until after I came out of my session but that did actually come up today!

It was a good session. I feel too exhausted to write much about it and there is a lot I want to mull over. But we talked quite a lot about me wanting to engage but not really knowing how. And about how I feel a bit wobbly/unsettled now that denial seems to be shifting and defences have started to come down. And I said I was worried about wasting session time because I take a while to settle in and then often start random wittering. Anyway...she was very supportive, very reassuring and she asked if I wanted her to assist with the "in" at the start of sessions so I said yes please.

So, we're going to move forward with that whole topic as a focus of our work and she said she's going to help me to do that. And she said we'd go very gently and slowly.

Oh, and she said that she thinks fortnightly is the right structure for where I am at the moment - so, even if money was no object, she thinks every other week is what I need right now. So you two have both reassured me on that!

Thanks again for your posts. They have really helped me think things through. I still have lots to ponder with this but am feeling more...secure...with it all...

 

[Suzetig]

She sounds like she knows what she's doing - I'm glad you're feeling a bit more secure, you're doing some really good work.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm pleased to read all this after the difficulties you've been through with money and timings. It all sounds so positive now. Good for both of you.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Sandstone
Yes, it is quite remarkable really, considering how rocky things were for a while, that this is where we have ended up! We have definitely both done our bit to get things on a more secure footing. It was a very tough few months but it has, I think, ultimately really strengthened our alliance and the foundations for the work.

 

[barefoot]

Resurrecting this thread - having just re-read all the posts here - as I'm still really struggling with this issue.

I'm really finding it hard to get my "in" plus I just can't seem to get clarity around what I want to talk about/work on each session. So I'm just drifting kind of aimlessly, getting sucked in to loads of tangents because I don't know what to say or how to use the session.

Today's session felt like a big waste of time. And I'd given it thought beforehand so it's not like I'm not trying to find a topic, but it's like I can't really...get a firm hold of stuff...if that makes sense?

I feel so frustrated with myself that I can't just go in and say "I want to work on x today." And also frustrated by the fact that I have a tendency to just trot after whatever topic my therapist brings up, even though I might know that I don't want to talk about that thing for loads of time. So, today, we spent half a session talking about work/my business, which I didn't have any interest or need in talking about at the moment...but she brought it up and asked me some questions about it so I just followed her down that rabbit hole and then suddenly 40 minutes is gone and I'm thinking, I don't want to be talking about this, I don't need to talk about this, but I don't know how to say that and, more importantly, I don't know what I want to be saying instead.

I'm just so tired of this. I know it sounds negative and unhelpful but today this (therapy) just feels pointless and I feel like I'm crap at it and am never going to be any good at it. And, yes, there have been plenty of times that I've posted on other people's threads saying that there's no "right" way of doing therapy and no such thing as "doing it wrong". But, honestly, it really does feel like I'm never going to get this. And I can't bear the thought of of having session after session where I come away feeling so dissatisfied and frustrated.

Why can't I do this? Why can't I just SAY something that matters?!

 

[desiderata310]

Question:
Do you currently have an idea (right NOW)of what you want to tackle or at least the neighborhood in which it resides?

 

[barefoot]

Yes, an old trauma. And there have been some triggers lately, which have sort of made it impossible to ignore and my therapist and I both agree that something has shifted for me and that I have made some progress with it - the shift is that I am finally starting to engage with the idea that my narrative about it for all these years hasn't been correct and that, perhaps the situation was abusive and the other progress is that, during recent triggers, I didn't dissociate and I managed to feel the feelings for the first time.

So we agreed that something had stirred and that we could work with it.

But now I don't know how. And I've spoken to my T about it. And I still don't know how. It just feels like Groundhog Day.

 

[NightSky]

I'm sorry you're still feeling this way. I recently got super frustrated as my T has canceled four times in the last three months (we meet once a week) and I went in and told her I feel like I went to see her for a few simple things (in my mind they are boxes with lids) that were giving me anxiety, and instead of working on those little boxes she said, hmm what else is in this closet? And we took out all the boxes and dumped all of the contents everywhere and now I'm just always wading through all of it and I don't feel like anything has gotten better. Of course I understand the presenting issue is rarely the problem and she explained that. But then she said, ok, out of all of the boxes, which one feels the most glaring. I chose one. And she agreed with my choice and we talked about that one. (Present day reactions to my husband that are there because of trauma). From there we have been picking threads and going with them, and under each layer is something else. For example: I dissociate massively when I'm in there. Why? I'm afraid of feelings. Why? They feel vulnerable. Why does vulnerability bother me? Because I feel exposed. Why does feeling exposed bother me? (More detailed conversation of some trauma/s followed that..) That was about a month's worth of work. Or more. Just to understand why I was feeling like I was sucking at therapy. It came down to (for me) being afraid of feeling emotions so not saying the words I wanted to say while with her. She's helping me with this but it's a lot of what feels like backwards work. Talking about what feeling emotions means to me. Etc. and uncovering lies and trying to set them straight.
She likened therapy to a puzzle which is a helpful analogy for me. It's not a journey on a path as much as it is finding pieces and seeing what fits together.
A little while ago I started coming home after session and taking time to record (I type fast so I do it on the computer) notes of everything I can possibly remember from the session. Anything I want to think about further or ask her about next time, I use a different font color. And throughout the week as I have thoughts or realizations I go back and make a bulleted list underneath. Inthrn read it right before session. And then I go in saying "last week you asked xyz, and I thought about it and realized..." etc. gives me an in, and it's following the same train of thought from session to session. No more "how was your week?" We just get right to work.
The other thing that has continued to help is emailing her beforehand. I let her know if particular images or feelings are bothering me that week, or if a particular aspect of a trauma is invading my thoughts. She then brings it right up in session.
I'm sorry this is so rambly. I hope there's a tidbit of something helpful.
Keep in mind nothing is really wasted because even the small stuff you don't feel like talking about helps paint a picture of your story for your T.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @NightSky
It sounds like you are going great guns and really getting stuck in, which is awesome! Kudos to you! :-)

I like that idea of picking the box you want to work on and I understand that idea of digging through layers to get to what's underneath. That's what I was expecting us to be doing around this trauma that T and I both know about and have agreed to focus on. So I just get so frustrated when, having agreed that focus and having agreed that she will assist me with getting an "in" to that work each session, we are spending more than half the session talking about stuff that doesn't matter.

Regardless of whether she offered to assist me with it or not, I do think it's my responsibility to ensure that I get what I want out of my sessions. I just can't seem to...advocate for myself, in a way...to focus my mind and speak up and express what I want to talk about or what I don't need to talk about. The thing that's most getting on my nerves at the moment is my habit of just following her topic whatever she brings up...why can't I just say that that's not what I want to spend time on today and then steer the topic to something else?! It sounds like such a simple thing but is one of the things I struggle with most in sessions...trotting along after my therapist when I know that's not where I want to go and how I want to use the time (even if I don't have a very specific idea of exactly where I want to go instead)

 

[NightSky]

When you imagine yourself saying those words "that's not what I want to spent the session on..." what do you feel in your body? Does it make you feel tense, like you might feel if you were being confrontational? (Not all people feel tense with confrontation, just an example.) Is there shame involved? For me, although I know I need to process the traumas, i feel shame if I bring them up. I feel it's valid for me to need to talk about them if she asks questions, though. (This is not logical, but it's what causes me to do what you're doing).
Are you able to email your t? If so, a bulleted list of topics you want to cover for the next session can be really helpful.
I do think exploring WHY you can't steer to where you want to go is just as valuable as actually doing it. The process picked up for me once I said I felt I wanted to quit because I wasn't making any progress. That made her re-evaluate how she was conducting sessions and she helped me figure out what my exact frustration was and why it's happening. She finally last week said she realizes I'm not going to choose to be vulnerable unless she pushes me. And she did push me last session and it ended up being really good. So I emailed her after and told her exactly what worked well for me. They have to learn just as we do, what our threshold is, what's easy for us and what's hard for us, and how to help us with that.
I would say to your T exactly what you said here. Something like "I still want your help talking about the stuff that feels really important to me in session. I feel unable to steer the conversation and have trouble bringing up hard things." And then make that your topic until you work it out. That is the issue right now so that's what needs your attention.
My issue was I couldn't stay present in the room with her. So that was a starting point that led to a bunch of other stuff. But whatever you're noticing in the room is really important because it points to something bigger you need to uncover.