Childhood Wanting to Talk to Groomer

Would asking my family, quitting self, etc. with the purpose of retrieving memories be forcing it?
I stopped most of my self-harming almost 3 years ago. I still have episodes of it from time to time, but the majority of it has stopped. I know I don't have all my memories back. But I feel so much better and I am much more stable than I was. I have so many more strategies now than I used to.

In regards to asking family, I didn't specifically ask my family, but there was a time when I went looking through childhood photos that my parents had to see if they would tell me any information. The photos did in a way bring about a memory, but it was not at all something I would recommend. I wasn't ready for that information. My mind went to into a deep spiral and it closed off specific information from me. I learned one memory, but it took a long time fo rmy brain to give me any more memories. I wasn't ready for what I learned and caused more harm and delayed progress in my healing. I just wanted to know everything so clearly.

Even when I know these memories, I still doubt myself. It didn't help to go seeking answers and memories. At least not for me. It just made things worse. I don't think I could ever report anything to the authorities as I would not be able to handle the questions and deep scrutiny that comes along with it.

I hope that you can figure out what is best for you at this moment in time. There's definitely a lot to think about.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
I stopped most of my self-harming almost 3 years ago. I still have episodes of it from time to time, but the majority of it has stopped. I know I don't have all my memories back. But I feel so much better and I am much more stable than I was. I have so many more strategies now than I used to.
What strategies have helped when the urges of self harm gets worse? And did stability come naturally after self harming or did you find coping strategies? I feel like I’m struggling a lot with motivations to be productive. I never feel like doing anything besides laying in my bed or going out to drink.
In regards to asking family, I didn't specifically ask my family, but there was a time when I went looking through childhood photos that my parents had to see if they would tell me any information. The photos did in a way bring about a memory, but it was not at all something I would recommend.
I have a photo of me with the person and myself as a baby. However, it didn’t trigger anything but numbness. There wasn’t feelings of anger or annoyance or being grossed out. Yet I keep it hidden because it feels somewhat dirty. Though the grooming started when I was older so that might be why. Or maybe there’s no memories and all of this is simply hysterics.
My mind went to into a deep spiral and it closed off specific information from me. I learned one memory, but it took a long time fo rmy brain to give me any more memories. I wasn't ready for what I learned and caused more harm and delayed progress in my healing.
I don’t want to cause a spiral. Not anymore anyways. I don’t know. Some days I feel like I deserve to spiral until I’m suicidal and other days I want to progress until healing.
I just wanted to know everything so clearly.
I want this as well.
Even when I know these memories, I still doubt myself. It didn't help to go seeking answers and memories. At least not for me. It just made things worse. I don't think I could ever report anything to the authorities as I would not be able to handle the questions and deep scrutiny that comes along with it.

I hope that you can figure out what is best for you at this moment in time. There's definitely a lot to think about.
During EMDR something came up and first I believed it but it didn’t feel real. It felt like I was on the ceiling observing what was happening. So it made me believe it was fake. I still don’t know. It’s something I need to discuss with my therapist. But I doubt myself a lot. I’m still learning self compassion to just let the memories exist. But thank you tremendously for the help and advice.
 

prynne

Confident
What strategies have helped when the urges of self harm gets worse? And did stability come naturally after self harming or did you find coping strategies?
I quit a few years ago, and the stability definitely didn't come naturally. The stability came because I had to replace self-harm with healthier coping skills to prevent a relapse. (I was never going to be able to stay away from self-harm long-term without developing other skills to replace it. It reminds me of white-knuckle sobriety in AA, or at least I think that's what they call it and where it's from. My friend's sister is a sponsor and she told me about it. Basically, the idea is that a lot of alcoholics stay sober through pure willpower, instead of finding coping skills to replace alcohol. This leads to them barely hanging onto sobriety and being miserable). So, instead of self-harming to cope with my emotions, which made everything worse, I was using coping skills that actually helped me in the long run, which made me more stable.

Now instead of self-harming to release my emotions, I'll journal, exercise, vent to someone, take a relaxing bath, wrap myself up in a blanket with a stuffed animal, and/or distract myself with a youtube video. I found out that these things helped by looking up one of those massive online lists of things to do instead of self-harming and then trying everything on the list.

Really the thing that helps the most is knowing that the urge WILL end, and soon. I just have to stall, waste time, distract myself until it's over or has calmed down to a more manageable level.
It felt like I was on the ceiling observing what was happening. So it made me believe it was fake.
This is pretty common for a memory of a traumatic event. It doesn't necessarily mean that the memory is fake
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
Now instead of self-harming to release my emotions, I'll journal, exercise, vent to someone, take a relaxing bath, wrap myself up in a blanket with a stuffed animal, and/or distract myself with a youtube video. I found out that these things helped by looking up one of those massive online lists of things to do instead of self-harming and then trying everything on the list.

Really the thing that helps the most is knowing that the urge WILL end, and soon. I just have to stall, waste time, distract myself until it's over or has calmed down to a more manageable level.

This is pretty common for a memory of a traumatic event. It doesn't necessarily mean that the memory is fake
Thank you I need to add these to my list. I have one but I forget to rely on it and instead instantly go to self harm. But there needs to be a motivation and so far the motivation to be stable actually been working
 
What strategies have helped when the urges of self harm gets worse? And did stability come naturally after self harming or did you find coping strategies? I feel like I’m struggling a lot with motivations to be productive. I never feel like doing anything besides laying in my bed or going out to drink.
I had to work on making it a habit to do something else. One thing I had to do was get rid of the tools I used for self-harming. It's not that there aren't other ways to self-harm, but that was a big step. Then, I learned strategies. One is holding an ice cube in your hand until the urge passes- I don't like that one, but many people do. Some people hold cold fruit like a frozen orange. I will sometimes journal- in large letters and let any words that come into my mind just scrawl out across the page. Another is strategy I use when the urges are strong is scribble with a crayon. I started with a red crayon, but now it doesn't matter the color. I scribble as hard as I can back and forth over and over again pressing really hard and filling every white space. Somtimes more than one piece of paper is needed. I scribble hard and eventually ease up to a gentle scribble. Tearing up paper like the scibbling, phone books, or old magazines is also helpful. I rip and tear with fieceness and then eventually I tear gently and appreciate the sound of the tearing. Sometimes I bounce a ball or play basketball. Someone talked to me about using that scratch art paper and scratching off the black to reveal the colors or the picture helped them. I haven't tried that.

Stability did not just come naturally after stopping the self-harm. But it sure was a big step towards it. I also needed to develop strategies for handling triggers, anxiety, and how to spend my time. I can completely relate to just wanting to lay in bed. When I feel this urge, sometimes I will let myself stay in bed. However, most days, I tell myself that I at least have to shower, dress, and eat breakfast. If after that I still want to lay down, then I will. I try to create a daily schedule or a to do list and aim at keeping it simple. If I accomplish one thing, that's great. Then, grow it to more than that until I feel like I can handle a daily schedule. My schedule includes housekeeping, errands, appointments, and relaxation. Sometimes, I will even reward myself if I am working on something really hard. Like right now, I am working on getting to bed before midnight so I can get better sleep. So each time I get upstairs before midnight, I give myself a little reward. It might be extra reading time, getting a small item that I want, downloading a new song, just something simple. It take a lot of willpower to work on opposite action- in this case getting up when you don't want to.
 
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