Crazycrazy10
New Here
Hello everyone
I don't really know how to start this. Some things will seem vague or just silly but recently I can't stop thinking about the possibility of abuse which it'd explain a lot of things. Anyway this will be a bit long and confusing so I'm sorry if I sound stupid.
So I've been seeing a therapist for 3 months because I have social anxiety. This has been helping a lot and I was even able to go to a few places. Of course it's still hard and every now and then I got panic attacks. I used to cut and I tried to commit suicide when i was 15. I also... I hate being touched at any part of my body, I hate hugs and especially kisses. It's disgusting and dirty and I feel like the other person is trying to hurt me, I feel like crying and it becomes hard to breathe. By consequence I have never been kissed by a guy nor being in a relationship. Tbh I never was able to just hold hands with a guy and that's because I'm afraid of men. I don't know why but for some reason I never feel safe if there's any male in the room. I hate when guys look at my body or show interest in me. I feel like crying and I get so nervous. However I fantasise about having a relationship with really older guys (makes no sense).
Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual. My therapist told me that I have sexual aversion disorder. I honestly hate sex but i secretly fantasise about being submissive in bed and getting hurt and feel pain. And still I hate the thought of someone touching me.... am I insane?
I have really low self esteem and I feel ashamed of my body. I feel uncomfortable when I see my boobs and booty. I can't even look at me when I'm naked because I feel disgusting and wanna cry.
When I look back to my childhood I feel angry and just don't understand certain things. This is really embarrassing to talk about but when I was about 12 I heard for the first time my parents having sex. The situation repeated thousands of times during the years and I deeply hated it. So when I was 17 I finally told my mom. She acted as if it wasn't nothing serious and told me that is a normal thing. I know sex is normal but hearing your parents doing it really loud when you're trying to sleep isn't. After a few weeks of "silence" everything happened again. Even now. I feel stupid and childish but this really affected me, and I just wanted them to understand how that was torturing. Besides, they always cuddle during the day around the house and foreplay in the tv room and have some "sexual plays" when my sister and I are at home. My mom screams and my dad laughs and they think that's fine and when I try to explain I don't feel comfortable with it they just tell me I'm being stupid and selfish. This makes me hate them.
Anyway that's just the context. Ok so when I was a child my dad used to kiss my neck and shoulders, when we were going to take pictures he was always holding my waist tight and he liked to whisper in my ear. I don't remember what he said but i hated to feel his breath next to me. Although I was so afraid of him that i never said a word. He was also the one who helped me to take a shower when i was little. Once I had a dream... he was naked on top of me and I was crying and asking him to stop but i wasn't strong enough to move. I also could feel his dick in me. When I woke up I felt disgusting and cried a lot. I knew it was just a dream but it felt so real, all the fear and tension was still in me after being awake. During the past years I have been dreaming about rape and abusive sex, and it's always me. Other times a man is chasing me but i can't see his face. I even dreamed once that i was abusing a child (!). This is crazy but I still remember....
I also did some weird things when I was a kid. For example i used to draw sex scenes and penis even though i had never seen one. (No one knows about that). One day i was at a friends place and she was younger than me and then i told her that I was going to teach her something. She was wearing a dress and i said she should took it off and try to dance like me. I was making some "sexy", promiscuous gestures. I felt powerful by doing that. ( i feel embarrassed by tellign all of this). I also remember one time that i slept at a friends place and she had an older brother. I was going to sleep but before i went to his room and took off my clothes to show off and started laughing. This is weird, i mean why would i do that...
However when i was teached about human reproduction at school for the first time i simply started crying non stop. I do remember that those pages and images made me feel like vomiting and anxious. My friends were curious about sex but i ran away from this conversations. I felt fear.
As I said before I used to think i was asexual so one day, to "test" whether i was or not i tried to masturbate. Slowly i let my hands touch my vagina but the first image the first thought that came to my mind... was my dad. I stopped immediately. I was scared. I tried to think about some cute boy around my age but it didn't seem to work. It's not that i decided to think about my dad and felt horny. No. The touch in that area of my body automatic did bring the memory of him. I hate myself because of that. After some tries i managed to masturbate but i cried during the whole thing and didn't stop until see blood in my fingers. It hurt but i couldn't stop. I cried even more after the orgasm. I couldn't understand what was going on.
When I was a baby i used to sleep in the same room as my parents and I guess that maybe I saw them doing it. Maybe I don't remember but the image got stuck in my mind.
At the same time I don't believe I was abused much less by my dad. I believe he wouldn't do that. For some reason I'm still very afraid of him and avoid his presence. Today I guess i was just a weird kid but... I still think about it. I feel crazy. I feel an idiot. I feel that I'm out of my mind. I feel I'm overreacting. Can someone please help me? I honestly don't know what to do anymore :(
(P.S.. I'm Brazilian and not fluent in English so sorry for my mistakes and some things may have sound strange. I'm 18 btw)
I don't really know how to start this. Some things will seem vague or just silly but recently I can't stop thinking about the possibility of abuse which it'd explain a lot of things. Anyway this will be a bit long and confusing so I'm sorry if I sound stupid.
So I've been seeing a therapist for 3 months because I have social anxiety. This has been helping a lot and I was even able to go to a few places. Of course it's still hard and every now and then I got panic attacks. I used to cut and I tried to commit suicide when i was 15. I also... I hate being touched at any part of my body, I hate hugs and especially kisses. It's disgusting and dirty and I feel like the other person is trying to hurt me, I feel like crying and it becomes hard to breathe. By consequence I have never been kissed by a guy nor being in a relationship. Tbh I never was able to just hold hands with a guy and that's because I'm afraid of men. I don't know why but for some reason I never feel safe if there's any male in the room. I hate when guys look at my body or show interest in me. I feel like crying and I get so nervous. However I fantasise about having a relationship with really older guys (makes no sense).
Sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual. My therapist told me that I have sexual aversion disorder. I honestly hate sex but i secretly fantasise about being submissive in bed and getting hurt and feel pain. And still I hate the thought of someone touching me.... am I insane?
I have really low self esteem and I feel ashamed of my body. I feel uncomfortable when I see my boobs and booty. I can't even look at me when I'm naked because I feel disgusting and wanna cry.
When I look back to my childhood I feel angry and just don't understand certain things. This is really embarrassing to talk about but when I was about 12 I heard for the first time my parents having sex. The situation repeated thousands of times during the years and I deeply hated it. So when I was 17 I finally told my mom. She acted as if it wasn't nothing serious and told me that is a normal thing. I know sex is normal but hearing your parents doing it really loud when you're trying to sleep isn't. After a few weeks of "silence" everything happened again. Even now. I feel stupid and childish but this really affected me, and I just wanted them to understand how that was torturing. Besides, they always cuddle during the day around the house and foreplay in the tv room and have some "sexual plays" when my sister and I are at home. My mom screams and my dad laughs and they think that's fine and when I try to explain I don't feel comfortable with it they just tell me I'm being stupid and selfish. This makes me hate them.
Anyway that's just the context. Ok so when I was a child my dad used to kiss my neck and shoulders, when we were going to take pictures he was always holding my waist tight and he liked to whisper in my ear. I don't remember what he said but i hated to feel his breath next to me. Although I was so afraid of him that i never said a word. He was also the one who helped me to take a shower when i was little. Once I had a dream... he was naked on top of me and I was crying and asking him to stop but i wasn't strong enough to move. I also could feel his dick in me. When I woke up I felt disgusting and cried a lot. I knew it was just a dream but it felt so real, all the fear and tension was still in me after being awake. During the past years I have been dreaming about rape and abusive sex, and it's always me. Other times a man is chasing me but i can't see his face. I even dreamed once that i was abusing a child (!). This is crazy but I still remember....
I also did some weird things when I was a kid. For example i used to draw sex scenes and penis even though i had never seen one. (No one knows about that). One day i was at a friends place and she was younger than me and then i told her that I was going to teach her something. She was wearing a dress and i said she should took it off and try to dance like me. I was making some "sexy", promiscuous gestures. I felt powerful by doing that. ( i feel embarrassed by tellign all of this). I also remember one time that i slept at a friends place and she had an older brother. I was going to sleep but before i went to his room and took off my clothes to show off and started laughing. This is weird, i mean why would i do that...
However when i was teached about human reproduction at school for the first time i simply started crying non stop. I do remember that those pages and images made me feel like vomiting and anxious. My friends were curious about sex but i ran away from this conversations. I felt fear.
As I said before I used to think i was asexual so one day, to "test" whether i was or not i tried to masturbate. Slowly i let my hands touch my vagina but the first image the first thought that came to my mind... was my dad. I stopped immediately. I was scared. I tried to think about some cute boy around my age but it didn't seem to work. It's not that i decided to think about my dad and felt horny. No. The touch in that area of my body automatic did bring the memory of him. I hate myself because of that. After some tries i managed to masturbate but i cried during the whole thing and didn't stop until see blood in my fingers. It hurt but i couldn't stop. I cried even more after the orgasm. I couldn't understand what was going on.
When I was a baby i used to sleep in the same room as my parents and I guess that maybe I saw them doing it. Maybe I don't remember but the image got stuck in my mind.
At the same time I don't believe I was abused much less by my dad. I believe he wouldn't do that. For some reason I'm still very afraid of him and avoid his presence. Today I guess i was just a weird kid but... I still think about it. I feel crazy. I feel an idiot. I feel that I'm out of my mind. I feel I'm overreacting. Can someone please help me? I honestly don't know what to do anymore :(
(P.S.. I'm Brazilian and not fluent in English so sorry for my mistakes and some things may have sound strange. I'm 18 btw)
