Stills
Bronze Member
Okay, so I'm aware this is f*cked up and I'm probably just crazy, but here goes.
I had a lot happen during my childhood. It wasn't until my mother died when I was 15 that I started to recall info, nothing crazy big, just little things about my childhood. I smoked a lot of weed to cope with my mother's loss. When I first started smoking weed, I had this strange deja vu feeling like I had done it before, it felt familiar. I don't really smoke weed anymore because it makes me hella anxious and lately I'm just feeling really anxious within myself.
My mom had a weed dealer whom I remember because I used to go to his house to pick up with her. I remember the sketchy basement he lived in. I remember his son as well because he was around my age. He would come over and smoke with my mom too. He drove a blue van, like those white vans you stock things in, except blue. I think my mom told me that she knew him from work and that could be true, however she could've just told me that because I was a child and she didn't want me to know about the weed.
I can remember liking him and I think I even asked about him when my mom first stopped smoking and we stopped going to his house. I can remember seeing the blue van pull up getting excited that he was there. I guess I just really liked him and also cause I was friends with his son when and often saw him when he was visiting his dad. I remember his and his son's name. My mom stopped smoking when I was maybe 8? And I must've forgotten about them because they completely slipped out of my mind for 10 years which clearly states their insignificance in my life.
When I was 17, I went to a psychiatrist for cutting. She asked me if I had been molested as a child which I thought was utterly absurd. A few months later, I remembered him (NOT THINKING WHAT MY PSYCHIATRIST HAD SAID), and the memories weren't anything bad. I thought it was strange and I think I was actually laughing at the thought of my mom bringing me to her drug dealer's house, how sketchy and chill it was. I thought it was strange because once I remembered him and his son, it was clear, and I had forgotten about them for years. Again, it wasn't anything bad, however, I felt a significance every time I remembered him.
***The last time I smoked weed, I got anxious. I sat on my couch, shaking, and my eyes shut. I saw myself lying on his bed and he was touching me. Why would this man be of significance to me? How could I remember his face clearly, the wife beater and the hat he wore? Why would I think of him like this? Why would I think something like this? I used to have nightmares of being kidnapped as a child and I wet the bed until I was 8. I was always sensitive, but I remember when I was little, like 6, I was TERRIFIED of locking the door and being alone in the bathroom. I would cry if my classmates left me in the bathroom. I always did poorly in school for a long time, but I just thought it was due to lack of accessibility and also that I just didn't care. I watched an insane amount of TV as a kid just cause I wanted to and could. When I was little, I used to touch myself all the time, and I can recall a few times where my vagina was all red and hurting.
I didn't have sex until I was 18, like I was just a very depressed and angry teen. I always knew I was somewhat of a sexual person, like my favourite film when I was 12 happened to be a Woody Allen film and I just loved him and his sense of humour.
I've never once admitted this ever, but my mom and I were really close and I remember once when I was 14 we were talking about first kisses and I think I asked her something like "How do you know it's a good kiss?" something like that. And she said something, I don't remember what, but then I said, "you're gonna show me?" and she was like "no!" and I remember instantly feeling like the f*ck did I say that for...When I did start having sex, it was only one night stands..to this day actually and I'm almost 20. I pretty much have no feelings associated with sex. You know how some girls and women feel attached after sex? I have this thing where I love having sex with men and making them want me and then never talking to them again, like it makes me feel really good.
I haven't had the greatest sexual experiences because I don't always say no and I just let myself be taken advantage of at times, it doesn't feel good, but I just assume that sex is going to happen anyways, and if it does, just go along with it. I haven't had sex in a while right now, I don't even know why, I just started to feel really anxious in myself. And then I remembered that. It's not so much vivid memories right now, as much as I can't stop thinking about it/him and I don't know why, but it's causing me to feel disconnected and confused with a pounding headache! Is this actually real??? How can this be real?
I had a lot happen during my childhood. It wasn't until my mother died when I was 15 that I started to recall info, nothing crazy big, just little things about my childhood. I smoked a lot of weed to cope with my mother's loss. When I first started smoking weed, I had this strange deja vu feeling like I had done it before, it felt familiar. I don't really smoke weed anymore because it makes me hella anxious and lately I'm just feeling really anxious within myself.
My mom had a weed dealer whom I remember because I used to go to his house to pick up with her. I remember the sketchy basement he lived in. I remember his son as well because he was around my age. He would come over and smoke with my mom too. He drove a blue van, like those white vans you stock things in, except blue. I think my mom told me that she knew him from work and that could be true, however she could've just told me that because I was a child and she didn't want me to know about the weed.
I can remember liking him and I think I even asked about him when my mom first stopped smoking and we stopped going to his house. I can remember seeing the blue van pull up getting excited that he was there. I guess I just really liked him and also cause I was friends with his son when and often saw him when he was visiting his dad. I remember his and his son's name. My mom stopped smoking when I was maybe 8? And I must've forgotten about them because they completely slipped out of my mind for 10 years which clearly states their insignificance in my life.
When I was 17, I went to a psychiatrist for cutting. She asked me if I had been molested as a child which I thought was utterly absurd. A few months later, I remembered him (NOT THINKING WHAT MY PSYCHIATRIST HAD SAID), and the memories weren't anything bad. I thought it was strange and I think I was actually laughing at the thought of my mom bringing me to her drug dealer's house, how sketchy and chill it was. I thought it was strange because once I remembered him and his son, it was clear, and I had forgotten about them for years. Again, it wasn't anything bad, however, I felt a significance every time I remembered him.
***The last time I smoked weed, I got anxious. I sat on my couch, shaking, and my eyes shut. I saw myself lying on his bed and he was touching me. Why would this man be of significance to me? How could I remember his face clearly, the wife beater and the hat he wore? Why would I think of him like this? Why would I think something like this? I used to have nightmares of being kidnapped as a child and I wet the bed until I was 8. I was always sensitive, but I remember when I was little, like 6, I was TERRIFIED of locking the door and being alone in the bathroom. I would cry if my classmates left me in the bathroom. I always did poorly in school for a long time, but I just thought it was due to lack of accessibility and also that I just didn't care. I watched an insane amount of TV as a kid just cause I wanted to and could. When I was little, I used to touch myself all the time, and I can recall a few times where my vagina was all red and hurting.
I didn't have sex until I was 18, like I was just a very depressed and angry teen. I always knew I was somewhat of a sexual person, like my favourite film when I was 12 happened to be a Woody Allen film and I just loved him and his sense of humour.
I've never once admitted this ever, but my mom and I were really close and I remember once when I was 14 we were talking about first kisses and I think I asked her something like "How do you know it's a good kiss?" something like that. And she said something, I don't remember what, but then I said, "you're gonna show me?" and she was like "no!" and I remember instantly feeling like the f*ck did I say that for...When I did start having sex, it was only one night stands..to this day actually and I'm almost 20. I pretty much have no feelings associated with sex. You know how some girls and women feel attached after sex? I have this thing where I love having sex with men and making them want me and then never talking to them again, like it makes me feel really good.
I haven't had the greatest sexual experiences because I don't always say no and I just let myself be taken advantage of at times, it doesn't feel good, but I just assume that sex is going to happen anyways, and if it does, just go along with it. I haven't had sex in a while right now, I don't even know why, I just started to feel really anxious in myself. And then I remembered that. It's not so much vivid memories right now, as much as I can't stop thinking about it/him and I don't know why, but it's causing me to feel disconnected and confused with a pounding headache! Is this actually real??? How can this be real?
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