I'm 17 now. But I remember an incident when I was really young. I was sleeping on the recliner. I was about 3 or 4 maybe even 2. My mom was at work I guess or something. My dad was dead. My grandma was watching. She and he were sleeping on the bed. She had left the room for a little while. My grandpa got up soon after and picked me up and threw me on the floor. I screamed. He said it was for my own good and pulled my pants off. I remember believing him. I blacked out from them. I have no clue what happened after that. I've always had odd pains in my anal area since I was about 5. My mom found out I had an infection when I was 5. I had as 3 or 4 had sexual dreams. I wanted to be sexual with other boys. I was so obsessed with boys and it was always so sexually related. I would touch boy's crotches in kindergarten. I masterbated a lot. And I would expose myself even. I thought of sex so much. I told my mom about it at 10 the thing that happened on the recliner. She told me to lie when there was no evidence. I have no scarring. I'm pretty much a virgin. My grandpa's on the sex offender registry. I feel guilty for that. I don't know if he did or did not do it. I have still a hard time having sex with guys II'm so sensitive there. I have realized I am a sex addict. And have other addictions I don't know if I am just messed up in the mind from birth or if it's him. Help??
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Sexual Assault Was I Raped? Did It Make Me Gay?
- Post starter nickie
- Start date
- Status
Deaf Global Nomad
Platinum Member
I posted a response on your other comment...
This definitely sounds like mastery play... Something clearly happened with your grandpa. Exactly "what" happened is not as important as your fear and your response to it and thereafter... If you did not say anything until age 10 and there was no evidence, your grandpa would not have ended up on the sex offender registry. Even if you or your mom had reported the incident any time between age 2 - 10, it would NEVER be your fault. You did nothing wrong. Your experience was done to you... Besides, if your mom nonchalantly told you to lie about the incidence, I would highly suspect that she experienced something similar with her father (or at least knew about your grandpa's sex offender history).
No, you are not messed up or sick. Sex addictions (assuming that you actually have a full blown sex addiction) or any addiction comes from somewhere and is commonly used to cover up emotional turmoil (e.g. abuse history, PTSD, depression, etc...). It is not an easy straightforward cause and effect. Do you have someone you can talk to? A counselor at your school? Depending on where you live you can seek help in a open clinic, family clinic, teen clinic, etc...
This definitely sounds like mastery play... Something clearly happened with your grandpa. Exactly "what" happened is not as important as your fear and your response to it and thereafter... If you did not say anything until age 10 and there was no evidence, your grandpa would not have ended up on the sex offender registry. Even if you or your mom had reported the incident any time between age 2 - 10, it would NEVER be your fault. You did nothing wrong. Your experience was done to you... Besides, if your mom nonchalantly told you to lie about the incidence, I would highly suspect that she experienced something similar with her father (or at least knew about your grandpa's sex offender history).
No, you are not messed up or sick. Sex addictions (assuming that you actually have a full blown sex addiction) or any addiction comes from somewhere and is commonly used to cover up emotional turmoil (e.g. abuse history, PTSD, depression, etc...). It is not an easy straightforward cause and effect. Do you have someone you can talk to? A counselor at your school? Depending on where you live you can seek help in a open clinic, family clinic, teen clinic, etc...
- Post starter
- #3
It didn't go to trial he just plead guilty. He honestly seemed like he didn't rape me. I heard that he touched one of my aunts and had past violence and had a previous sexual abuse case against him he was acquitted on.
But most kids I remember never had wanted to have sex with adults to commit pedophilia (when I was 8 and under) I feel like I am not normal sex is always on my mind. Idk.
But most kids I remember never had wanted to have sex with adults to commit pedophilia (when I was 8 and under) I feel like I am not normal sex is always on my mind. Idk.
Welcome Nickie,I
It's brave of you to share your story. I understand that it can all be so confusing but try to be easy on yourself because the memories are there and they will come when you are safely ready. i agree that getting some professional help is a good idea, it's difficult to do this alone. It sounds like you are very afraid and I'm sorry for that, it's wrong what was done to you.
There are some great suggestions of where to look locally for help. Please let us know what you find out.
HL
It's brave of you to share your story. I understand that it can all be so confusing but try to be easy on yourself because the memories are there and they will come when you are safely ready. i agree that getting some professional help is a good idea, it's difficult to do this alone. It sounds like you are very afraid and I'm sorry for that, it's wrong what was done to you.
There are some great suggestions of where to look locally for help. Please let us know what you find out.
HL
Deaf Global Nomad
Platinum Member
I agree with Nyx and Hlost that you are brave about for being willing to confront your symptoms and your memories. Sharing it in the open takes double courage. You are a very impressive young woman!
I can also imagine that the confusion about your history is scary. Plus the side effects of your history and your current symptoms would be enough to frighten anyone.
Can you try to relax and tell yourself that you are a good and worthy person?
You can come to the forum any time you would like and share whatever you would like. There will always be someone here to listen and throw in their two cents.
Below Nyx's post you can see the link to the Survive Sexual Abuse Forum, which is also part of the PTSD forum. A number of people are members of both sites.
I can also imagine that the confusion about your history is scary. Plus the side effects of your history and your current symptoms would be enough to frighten anyone.
Can you try to relax and tell yourself that you are a good and worthy person?
You can come to the forum any time you would like and share whatever you would like. There will always be someone here to listen and throw in their two cents.
Below Nyx's post you can see the link to the Survive Sexual Abuse Forum, which is also part of the PTSD forum. A number of people are members of both sites.
- Post starter
- #7
Lucycat
Sponsor
I am glad that you answered that with a hint of humour. I guess it is hard enough for a guy, without us all assuming you are not! I know on the home page it states that about 10 % of rape victims are male, but that clearly isn't refected in the media.
Anyway, welcome. :)
Deaf Global Nomad
Platinum Member
Oh... I am so sorry :no:... Now everything is falling into place. Normally I am better at figuring out what people are talking about, especially in that area. One of my specialty areas is GLBT studies and how it relates to identity and access to medical care. So I should just know better...
This bit of information actually changes some of the things I mentioned. One of the examples is knowing how to give blow jobs and your behavior and thinking about sex. Either one may still be a sign that you were abused (your memories making it even more likely), but as a 17 year old guy your body is immersed in testosterone, an all time high is between late teens and early twenties. Have you asked your friends what they think about most of the time?
As for questioning if the abuse made you gay, research shows that abuse does not change your sexual orientation. Being gay or straight is not influenced by how you were raised. If you are bisexual, you may act sexually toward one sex or the other, but the bisexuality per se is either there or is not. However you identify is fine. It can take people different lengths of time to figure out their sexual orientation. If you throw in experiences like abuse, it can all be even more confusing.
Do you think you might be transgender? That is also more common than people think. It is also a spectrum as far as feelings go. If the extremes are male on one end and female on the other, most people fit somewhere in between. The more someone falls in the middle, the more difficult it is to figure out.
I am more than happy to talk more about either of those issues and give you some ideas where to look if you have more questions. You are definitely NOT alone in any of this either....
This bit of information actually changes some of the things I mentioned. One of the examples is knowing how to give blow jobs and your behavior and thinking about sex. Either one may still be a sign that you were abused (your memories making it even more likely), but as a 17 year old guy your body is immersed in testosterone, an all time high is between late teens and early twenties. Have you asked your friends what they think about most of the time?
As for questioning if the abuse made you gay, research shows that abuse does not change your sexual orientation. Being gay or straight is not influenced by how you were raised. If you are bisexual, you may act sexually toward one sex or the other, but the bisexuality per se is either there or is not. However you identify is fine. It can take people different lengths of time to figure out their sexual orientation. If you throw in experiences like abuse, it can all be even more confusing.
Do you think you might be transgender? That is also more common than people think. It is also a spectrum as far as feelings go. If the extremes are male on one end and female on the other, most people fit somewhere in between. The more someone falls in the middle, the more difficult it is to figure out.
I am more than happy to talk more about either of those issues and give you some ideas where to look if you have more questions. You are definitely NOT alone in any of this either....
Deaf Global Nomad
Platinum Member
If I'm totally off base again, then I apologize again...
- Post starter
- #11
Well it's not something that just started though. I have always been that. Like when I was a kid I was actually more so. I don't know what gender I am mentally and it's ok it's fine It's just I sometimes wonder is that the reason why I am gay because when I was little I had this obsession with them. I actually wanted to have something to do with sex when I grew up as an occupation. Idk I've heard that it wasn't normal before but I sometimes wonder is that a cause to believe anything happened added to the fact that I remember something happening but I don't even know if it was sexual abuse or not.
Deaf Global Nomad
Platinum Member
Hi again. Sure, it is definitely something that did not start. Kids tend to have fewer inhibitions. So it makes sense that you felt even "more so." It's interesting that boys tend to know from a very young age and girls so often don't. Congrats on having one identity figured out and being ok with it. The other will come and maybe you fall somewhere in the middle.
As for the wondering if something happened, that may be more complicated and take a while with lots of therapy. From my perspective, judging by what your memory shows something happened. That type of dissociation (spacing out) tends to go along with a traumatic experience. What exactly the traumatic experience was, you may be able to recall over time and therapy work. The core identifier of a traumatic experience is how you felt at the time. Nobody else can judge that. As someone recently posted what is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another. If a clinician has determined that you have PTSD, you do. Nobody gets to decide if the experience was "traumatic enough."
As for the wondering if something happened, that may be more complicated and take a while with lots of therapy. From my perspective, judging by what your memory shows something happened. That type of dissociation (spacing out) tends to go along with a traumatic experience. What exactly the traumatic experience was, you may be able to recall over time and therapy work. The core identifier of a traumatic experience is how you felt at the time. Nobody else can judge that. As someone recently posted what is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another. If a clinician has determined that you have PTSD, you do. Nobody gets to decide if the experience was "traumatic enough."
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
