Childhood Was I Reenacting Abuse? Strange Sexual Behavior

[Zurrealx98]

Long post ahead:

While I do have some memories of sexual abuse, I'm still in the process of trying to figure out if they were real or not. I have made several other posts about this and I'm really thankful for all of the kindness I've encountered here.

Anyways, let me get to the breadth of the matter. I began masturbating at a very young age. Maybe around 5. I am aware that masturbation is very normal behavior for children, but what concerns me is the way that I did this. For starters, I always did this by thrusting and rubbing my area against chairs/tables/arm rests. Maybe that could be explained through accidental discovery. I'm not sure. But what is more strange to me is the fact that I used to lock the door and tie myself up before I masturbated. I would also look up pictures and videos of people being tied up and masturbate while watching. I would masturbate several times a week (maybe even daily) for years, and although I did not know what I was doing I felt extremely guilty about it. It was to the point of tears and thinking that I was crazy and going to go to hell. This only worsened once I realized what I was doing when I got older. No one ever caught me doing it because I never used my hands and knew how to hide it, but I did it in public too. I remember once siting in my second grade class and imagining a long, round object pushing back and forth into my teachers crotch. This was very arousing to me and I have no idea how I knew this.

I would also try to play games with other kids (both my age and a few years either which way) which involved tying each other up and then afterwards I would go to the bathroom and masturbate.

I wonder if the abuse maybe involved the abuser tying me up and doing things.

When I was a kid, I used to have a lot of dreams of adults that I liked (teachers, friends parents, etc) kidnapping me and I would wake up wet down there. Recently these dreams have been coming back. I am still a child, except now I am naked in the dreams and am being touched.

Somehow after any dreams or masturbating, I knew to go and wipe everything off of my underwear and body with toilet paper so my mom wouldn't see when she did my laundry.

This kind of stuff was very physically arousing to me, but very emotionally distressing. I remember one time, we visited some family in San Diego and went to the beach. I didn't want to leave so my uncle made a joke about tying my ankles to the dock if I wanted to stay that bad. I don't remember exactly what he did, but I think he pretended to tie my ankles to this wooden post. I was extremely distraught by this for years and I have no idea why. I mean I was old enough to know he was joking but this really embarrassed and upset me. I wonder if this subconsciously reminded me of something that happened which was why I was so upset. I remember when I learned the word for sex and what rape was (maybe when I was like 11) I would have this reoccurring thought. "What if I got raped and don't know and now I'm pregnant." This was before any memories started popping up. I just feel like maybe that was my subconscious telling me about the abuse.

Thanks for reading this long ass post. Any input would be appreciated.

 

[normalrob]

Wow - your really brave for writing this down, well done. If it helps I went through/ still going through the process of questioning if things actually happened. I put this thought to my therapist, she asked how many people that have been abused question if its actually real. The question was rhetorical. Trust yourself, your thoughts and feelings are okay and it took courage to post this.

 

[Ironlady]

((((((Hugs )))))

 

[desiderata310]

sounds incredibly familiar. I have nightmares to go with mine.

 

[Mit]

I think I understand how you feel and what you have been doing through over the years. I can only explain why I understand by describing my own experiences. I also do the sort of things you describe (masturbate in private to thoughts and memories of my own childhood abuse). I re-create my experiences and when doing so I regress to being myself when I was a child. In effect I role play being myself when I was a child and engage in sexual self abuse.

I've done this since I discovered masturbation as a teenager. I didn't think there was anything wrong with it until I was older and then kept it hidden and secret, as I had a sense it was at the very least weird and at worst, wrong. I worried that it implied something bad about my character or personality. My secret was exposed a few years ago with dire consequences. I feel very bad about my behaviour and have tried to stop it many times over the years without success.

So it would seem that some people do re-create their trauma by acting it out in some way, and I have read other forum members describe very similar reactions.

So I guess it is possible that your behaviour suggests you were sexually abused as a child and perhaps you screened off the memory, for self protection.

I hope this is of some help.

Best wishes

 

[Arebas]

This post is very unsettling for me. I also started masturbating when I was about 6. I used to rub myself on my chair while I was sitting. I did it very often, several times a day. I started doing it in school. The teachers scolded me. And I tried to hide it but I just couldn't stop. I don't know where I learned it and I didn't know what it was, only that it was a very bad thing and I was very bad for doing it. But I just couldn't stop.
I grew up thinking I was bad cause I did that very bad thing but one day I remembered that one day I was playing with my cousin when I was that age, and I told him I wanted to kiss his thing cause that's what it was for. He found it weird but I told him he'd like it. I also asked him to kiss mine and touch me but he didn't want to. How could I know about that at 6 years old? Growing up I always had fantasies about my male teachers touching me and asking me to touch them. Eventually, when i was twelve, we had a teacher who said he would answer any questions we might had about sex. I started asking a lot of questions and I put myself in a bad situation. Things started going downhill from there and my sex life has always been chaos.

But reading your post I thought, that would explain why it all started and why it always felt so bad and like such a big secret. It would make a lot of sense... if only I could remember. But I don't.

I'm sorry i can't be of much help here, I just think I totally understand how you might feel right now. Terribly upsetting.

 

[IceKween]

I remember doing this type of thing as well. I remember showing my private area to others because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I remember being in 1st grade and reaching under the desk and pushing my pencil in to myself thru my jeans. I remember trying to put other things in me and thinking I wanted to be a stripper or a porn star when I grew up. This was around 5,6,7 years of age. And being sexual at that age toward others because I just thought that is what you did.
But I always thought and still think that maybe there is something fundamentally perverted about me.
And I still don't know.

 

[XXbabydollXX]

This is similar to the stuff I did as a child. I would have fantasies of my male teachers abusing me sexually as a child at 6. I masturbated at school in Kindergarten as a child.