Undiagnosed Was I Sexually Abused As A Child And Just Can't Remember?

[IthinkIgotmolested]

Hi I am a 15 year old girl and I have just read this thread and I’ve felt soo lonely and like a freak thinking I am the ony one with these kinds of experiences, I still feel very disgusted by myself but it feels a bit easier knowing others have similar experiences. I have had play sex with other kids my age since I was 4 (when I had not been taught what sex is yet) and I kept doing it with neighbour and cousin til like the age of 7, from what I remember it was always with their consent but since I’m talking abt such a young age I don’t know. When I was 4 me and my sister had alot of nannies, and I remember being scared of one of them. I’ve felt disgusted with myself for about two years now, mostly because of the play sex but I’ve always felt like there was something else.
As a kid, even before I knew about sex (I still learned about sex at a very early age) I was afraid that men were gonna kidnap me. I lied to other kids at preschool about older relatives drowning me in the sea, and in third grade I lied to my parents that someone wanted me to get into a van on my way home from school, but I’ve been a person whose lied about alot of things my whole life so idk.

My older friends made me watch porn when I was around 10 or 11 and I felt reallly uncomfortable. When I was 11 I kept suspecting people of looking at me in sexual ways, and once I caught my grandpa looking at me while changing my bra, might have been just my scared self imagining that.
But now in these past two years I’ve been feeling really really sad (I’m on antidepressants and diagnosed with depression and anxiety), sad because of my parents divorce, and because I don’t have many friends. But I’ve always felt like there was something undescribeable making me sad, it doesn’t make sense to me being this depressed and suicidal because of a divorce + my sister barely cares about it. Recently I’ve started getting the feeling of rape and that I’ve been raped but I can’t remember anything. I’ve also always felt that I’m not a kid and that I know something more than people my age, also something indescribeable. Idk if I got molested or raped at a really young age, so young that I don’t remember it or if I just accidentally saw something that made me learn about sex at that age. I’m scared to talk to my therapist about this because this is a small country and a small town and it disgusts me talking about it.

 

[MissGreen]

I feel the same way..

 

[anon94]

hello, I feel as if I can safely speak about events that happened in my life, as I can relate to alot of things said here. I have always known somthing has happened to me in mutiple points in my life, some i can remember but other i know somthing happened but i blocked i know one for sure but i susspect there was somthing happened when i was much younger.. In preschool I would often do things with classmates during nap time, or during recces outside hiding. these things I can remember very clearly and disturbs me to this day, the things I knew are not normal at that age.. did not end there I'm afraid. fast forward to elementary school. I had a neighbor who was the same sex as me (female) and she had her own problems I suppose, but would force me to perform sexual acts on her, she would tell me if I didn't she would tell her mom I hit her or somthing to scare me ( her mom babysat me during the summer and I was petrified of her and her daughter ). I would come home screaming and crying every night, I never said anything to anyone I was to scared. I have tried talking to her about this now that I'm in my mid 20s she claims to have no recollection of anything.. unfortunately in middle school I was again subjected to uncomfortable situations with my dad's friend that lived with us at the time.. he was a nudist often walked around the house naked, dad would yell at him but it never stopped him. I had to sleep in the living room due to cold weather my room got to cold to sleep in ( our furnace had been busted for years, but we had a wood burning fire place in living room. ) I remember one evening in particular I was sleeping on the floor and laying there trying to sleep when he comes out in the living room where I am with a towel on, drops the towel and walks towards me... then nothing can't remember a damned thing after that terrifying moment I remember being still hoping he would go away but thats it. I have never spoke this to a living soul before. I feel a huge weight off of me getting this out. I have seeked out counseling when I was in high school, but unfortanlty they just put me on Prozac and told me I was just having mommy issues because she abandoned me when I was 4. I had to stop taking the meds because they had a terrible affect on me, almost ended in suicide, they made things worse. After that I just burried everything, now I feel like I can't even trust a Dr.

 

[Lll]

Hello, It may be late but I think I can answer your question.

Exactly the same happened with me - save I didn't do sexual acts as a kid or anything, but I did know about them before I was supposed to (I was also a very "kept" child). I went on for years not knowing, thinking everything was fine and then I had the same experiences as you describe you are suffering from now...

Then, my mother showed me some pictures I drew as a kid... not nice and suggestive of sexual abuse by my father. I had forgotten... possibly out of a defence.
I hope this did not happen to you but the situation sounds awfully similar.