Undiagnosed Was I Sexually Abused As A Child And Just Can't Remember?

[Kake]

Hi! I've been searching everywhere trying to feel better/find relief. Is it crazy to think I might have been molested as a child and just can't remember? I'm 21 years old, married for 9 months, and although I've always wondered, things have really amplified!

I was sexually assaulted at 15, so I know some of my issues now are probably related to that, but wouldn't explain a lot of the childhood issues I had and still feel terribly guilty about. What I'm about to write completely disturbs and disgusts me, but I feel I need to be honest to get better.

To start, I was a VERY sheltered child. I was home-schooled and from a very loving and supportive family. The "talk" didn't occur until age 10, and before that, I shouldn't have had any clue what sex was. I wasn't in school where it was something other kids talked about and the TV was very controlled. Even when the "talk" occurred, I didn't fully understand. I thought it was something to be done only to make a baby. And had no clue that making-out, foreplay, etc. was related whatsoever. But when I was younger, ages 5-9, I would try to perform sexual acts with my best childhood friend and cousin who were the same gender/age. This is the disgusting part that I can barely type. I would talk her into making out, french kissing, humping, touching, licking genitals, and so on. We would tie each other up completely naked to things like the bed, or poles in the basement (MY idea!). I would LIE about sexual abuse as well. Not to adults, not to get anyone in trouble, and I don't think for attention as I had plenty, but just to friends. I would fabricate stories about being sexually abused. At this point, I 100% realized I was telling complete lies. I have absolutely no memory of any sexual abuse. BUT I also did not know about sex either! I would just tell them about an adult performing things on me. And then I would BEG them not to tell. This continued for way longer than I'd like to admit. Into my early teens. It was almost compulsive. I didn't want to lie, and I ALWAYS felt guilt-ridden and paranoid about someone telling, but it's like I couldn't even help myself. Aside from this, I never lied. It was very out-of-the-ordinary for me.

I also remember nightmares of falling, suffocating, and drowning as a young child. I was also very cautious of bearded/wooly men. Anytime we were out and about and I saw a bearded man, I would tell my mom that he was going to take me, or that he was scary, and I would want to leave. Not sure if that's related or not!

Zoom forward. I was assaulted at 15 years old by my youth pastor. That obviously left some damage. I went through counseling and so did my parents. After all was said and done, I thought I came out pretty well-adjusted though. BUT later that year, I met my serious boyfriend/future husband. From the get-go, things were SO complicated. Hand-holding terrified me, anytime he touched me I would freak out, and kissing was just out of the question. This became accepted and he rarely complained. Now however, we are married. Sex is extremely painful and dreaded. I NEVER desire sex and when we do, there's just unexplainable pain. I feel very disconnected after...I tend to want to get out of bed right away (within 60 seconds!) and go clean up. I know it has to hurt him. :( I still can't hold hands. Kissing still gives me a ton of anxiety. And it's NOT because I don't love him. I'm head-over-heels for this man and I am attracted to him. I WANT the physical attention until it starts to happen, and then I go panic-mode. Also, if he touches me while I'm sleeping, it's like World War III in our bed. I'll even just wake up on my own in the middle of the night and startle so bad when I realize there's someone next to me. Sometimes I hide under the covers like I'm paralyzed and I'll try not to breathe hoping that the "person" will go away and sometimes I get instant tears like when you're so scared you just start crying, and even after I realize it's him, I can't stop the tears.

What is going on with me?! Could something have happened to me when I was so little I just don't remember? If so, would that even cause effects like this into adulthood or cause me to act so strangely as a child? I feel horrible. I can hardly even stand myself sometimes. It's like I'm "hiding" this awful person that I am and I just feel so guilty. :(

Kelly

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Kelly. Sounds like you are suffering.

My advice is to seek out a therapist. First and foremost. Even if you didn't suffer early sexual abuse, it sounds like you are struggling with some really difficult problems and feelings.

It's difficult for me to respond further to you. I worry about all the stuff about creating false memories with leading questions etc. But I can't help but to want to know more about your experience as I was abused very early and did a lot of what you mention in terms of wanting to play inappropriate games with other children. It is very embarrassing to talk about, I understand. You are very brave to share these things. To this day I wish I could contact those kids and apologize for letting my childhood symptoms affect them in any way.

I am curious about these lies you say you fully realized were lies.

I told someone once, when I was about thirteen or fourteen, "I have these memories of dreams that make no sense from when I was little," and then I went on to tell snippets of my memories of being abused by my brother from when I was under 7. My brother had told me around age 8, when I brought the memories up, that they were just dreams and I was sick. I tell all of this to this person. He said, "Why would a little girl dream about that?" My brother has since confessed and corroborated stories that we never spoke about together.

SO, I am kind of wary of dismissing these "lies." Even if they were fabricated, if they contained sexual details, from where did you get those ideas? Were those details consistent? Do you remember when this behavior began or your feelings when you started telling these lies?

Something else to consider: where did you learn to be ashamed of these lies? To want to hide the stories by begging friends not to tell? If you didn't have a learned concept of sex from parents or media, how did you know that it was bad to talk about this with children and to try and convince them not to tell?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kelly,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

First off, be proud of yourself for making your initial post and writing about what is so difficult for you. A good therapist can help you work through much of this, and this site has great information and support that can also benefit your recovery.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Kake]

Hi Kelly. Sounds like you are suffering.

My advice is to seek out a therapist. First and foremost. Even if you didn't suffer early sexual abuse, it sounds like you are struggling with some really difficult problems and feelings.

It's difficult for me to respond further to you. I worry about all the stuff about creating false memories with leading questions etc. But I can't help but to want to know more about your experience as I was abused very early and did a lot of what you mention in terms of wanting to play inappropriate games with other children. It is very embarrassing to talk about, I understand. You are very brave to share these things. To this day I wish I could contact those kids and apologize for letting my childhood symptoms affect them in any way.

------ME too! I've come so close to calling them before. :( This is where a huge part of my guilt lies. And with my cousin...she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and that's something I shouldn't have to think about or remember, but it is, and it makes me disgusted with myself. I would like to just let these friends know that it was ME and MY problems and I can only hope they don't feel like I do. The thing that is so interesting though...my cousin was a very active part in these things we did as children and never seemed to hesitate. A few years ago, her mother (my aunt) mentioned during a completely unrelated topic that their pediatrician had told her that my cousin had physical signs of sexual abuse when she was 3 years old. My aunt is suspicious of a family member. I can't help but wonder if it's all related somehow. I would ask my mother if a doctor had ever told her anything similar, but I can get up the guts to ask or even start that whole topic. I think she would be very defensive...I know she would feel very responsible if anything DID happen to me.

----There was consistency, and that's another thing that has made me wonder if something DID happen. I don't know how I would have known about those things or thought to make up a random "lie" about it. However, it was never the same person. I would pick out a random person in my life (uncle, neighbor, just somebody) to fill in the role of the adult. But the story was always pretty similar in details. I think I felt guilt for the lying, since I knew those people didn't do anything. So there was guilt for that, and also because sometimes when you're young and you know something is PROBABLY wrong even though it hasn't been confirmed. That. Like when I would imagine a parent catching me doing any of those things with a friend or finding about my lying, I knew they'd be so upset. My parents had actually taught me before to not undress or be immodest in front of friends, so even though I didn't quite know what I was doing or why, I already had that shame going because I knew it was wrong. :( But also note that this continued even AFTER I knew about sex and repercussions. It carried on into my teens. I would just fabricate the stories to my friends, but it was so frustrating because I felt like I couldn't help it, but at the same time, I didn't know why I was doing it. It's almost like I had to constantly express that, even though I don't even know anything happened to me and I'm not consciously feeding off of a true story. For all I know, I've only been blatantly making it up for no reason. And at that point, I knew ENTIRELY why it was so wrong. I quit using real-life people because I didn't want to get anyone in trouble obviously, but it was still awful. I'm so embarrassed.

 

[Kintsugi]

I worry about all of this. It seems very odd. Can you see a therapist? Somewhere? Anywhere? Who could help you talk some of this out and see if you are diagnosable?

Some worrying stuff going on... Can you talk to that cousin or is it too much? Was there someone in both your lives who had pretty easy access to both of you?

I know this is all just probing and maybes etc. but, for instance, my friend's nephew was acting really weird around my friend's sister's boyfriend. And like, I just, I really told him he needs to take the kid out of the environment and talk to him. Because who knows? And it's better to know, I think. Especially if there's even a chance something is rotten in a family dynamic. Because there are always more kids.

Please, seek out professional help. And see if you can't rally yourself to confront your cousin if it feels safe and might help.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[Venusian]

I used to have the same thoughts as you did, wondering for years if something happened when I was a child. I didn't act them out but while I was growing up there were times when I knew things I should never have known. There was one thing that I always remembered from when I was 5 but I couldn't remember anything past one point and it was before anything bad had happened. The memories came back like a tidal wave 42 years later. When I start wondering if they were actual memory I ask myself, if nothing happened then why would it have left such a big impression? Is that a question that you can answer about your experience?

 

[Candycan]

Hi, I can relate to your experiences. I have spent many years in therapy going round in circles asking why I don't remember things but have so many clues that suggest abuse. People can remember traumatic experiences on an unconscious level. For me, I have those body memories that get triggered off and the repulsion about beards etc. I have learnt to try to sit with accepting that I am struggling now and that there are a lot of indicators that I was abused but that maybe it's ok not to know for sure. Maybe we don't remember for a good reason. I also think if you are young enough when trauma happens, your brain might not have been able to yet formulate memories in the way you might remember things nowadays.

It could be useful to talk to a professional. I described some of the sex play activities I was involved in with children to my therapist and she was able (being a clinical psychologist so having studied all of this stuff) to tell me that there was clearly 'inappropriate knowledge' at the age and that begs the question, where did it come from?

Hope you have found some answers by now or a source of help. Reading your post, it is like me five years ago. I had all the same problems once I got married and on some level, I'd always known I would even though I didn't know why I predicted this.

 

[wondering why]

Hello, so I found your story interesting.... well let me start off I am 23 years old and as far as I know I've never been molested or raped... I've never asked my parents . But for some reason ever since I can remember I've always felt I was molested and I don't remember I know it sounds crazy but it always bothered me I've never told anyone this either cause I know it sounds ridiculous... well before you think I'm crazy this is why... my whole life I've always been extremely uneasy with drunk men it makes me literally shake when I'm around one and I've always been terrified of being held down it causes me extreme anxiety when someone even holds my finger down I can't explain why I just do not like it and if I feel I can't move I almost want to cry with overwhelming fear and anxiety and last ever since I can remember I've always been extremely sexually active way before anyone of my friends and most people I know I lost my virginity around the age of 11....and last I grew up in a very loving family in a very nice neighborhood that were somewhat strict but nothing out of the ordinary ...can some explain this? Why ?

 

[Chava]

I relate to inappropriate sex play when younger (sticking fingers in friends and even dolls...had to cut open a friend's child-sized doll so she had a hole). Embarrassing. Also nightmares of my being molested.

Definitely find a therapist who can help you sort this out so you don't have to forever carry this load around.

Welcome.

 

[Britt98]

So, Im 18 and just found out that i had been molested as a toddler but i sorta knew anyhow because i have memories of the therapy yet not the event. I had horrible night terrors as a child, hallucinations of spiders that would always crawl up my legs. Embarassing as it is to admit, i have always had a strong interest in sex like you have described. I began masterbating around 4 years old and like you i sexually experimented with other children. Wich sexual experimentation in children is completly normal as we are becoming aware of our genders. I feel though something was different. I had my first boyfriend in 6th grade, he was my best friend i had crushed on him so hard and it carried o through high school. After he said yes though and i became aware of actually being in a relationship about an hour later when i saw him i felt disgusted when he got close and i never talked to him again. When someone gets too close i feel like im suffocating. Im flirtatious and want to be in a relationship but whenever a boy returns those feelings i have this undescribable fear and disgust. My father comes in and out of my life we are not very close. Yet again embarassingly enough to admit i have a strong attraction to older men and figures of authority. Ive always felt like somethings wrong. I suffer from depression i know. My life is complicated but i want a relationship yet ive never been able to have one except for that one hour boyfriend in middle school.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the forums :hug: I hope this place helps you. It's very useful because of the bulk amount of people who feel similar and understand. There is a lot of advice and support to be found here :) I hope that this amazing community helps you as much as it helped me, reading all the similar stories, and learning a lot along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug: