confused2102
New Here
I'm an 18 year old college freshman who is finally ready to face this question.
When I was 12, my dad was arrested for bringing a prostitute to our house and then threatening her with a gun when he did not want to pay for her "services." I saw him get arrested and then watched the aftermath of the situation: my mom's depression and anorexia, my little brother's suicide attempt, and my sister's self-mutilation and extreme anorexia, all of which are still going on. I never felt too scarred by any of these things, until my mom made my sister and I go to therapists to cope with all of the family issues (beyond what I mentioned above). The therapists established that we were physically abused by our father when we were younger, and blocked it out of our memories.
My sister and I keep searching for acceptance. She cannot be touched by a man without getting extremely scared....even if it's just a tap on the arm. I have only had two boyfriends, but am a virgin because I am never "into" the hookups, I think about other things and am mentally detached the entire time. It feels like a chore, instead of pleasurable. While I think these things can be attributed to the physical abuse, I am still worried. I have memories of lying awake at night, thinking nonstop about things like urine and guys and girl's "private parts"...I also remember touching myself every night for hours on end...all of these memories date back to around first or second grade. I've read these are signs of childhood sexual abuse that has been "blocked out" of the memory.
I have a general distrust of men (which could just be because of my dad's arrest and physical abuse) but could it be more? At this point, I am just trying to determine who I am and why I feel so weird and different from everyone else. I know I am emotionally damaged from my past, which is stopping me from 1) being happy and 2) having a healthy relationship. I need to know what I am dealing with, and how to move on.
When I was 12, my dad was arrested for bringing a prostitute to our house and then threatening her with a gun when he did not want to pay for her "services." I saw him get arrested and then watched the aftermath of the situation: my mom's depression and anorexia, my little brother's suicide attempt, and my sister's self-mutilation and extreme anorexia, all of which are still going on. I never felt too scarred by any of these things, until my mom made my sister and I go to therapists to cope with all of the family issues (beyond what I mentioned above). The therapists established that we were physically abused by our father when we were younger, and blocked it out of our memories.
My sister and I keep searching for acceptance. She cannot be touched by a man without getting extremely scared....even if it's just a tap on the arm. I have only had two boyfriends, but am a virgin because I am never "into" the hookups, I think about other things and am mentally detached the entire time. It feels like a chore, instead of pleasurable. While I think these things can be attributed to the physical abuse, I am still worried. I have memories of lying awake at night, thinking nonstop about things like urine and guys and girl's "private parts"...I also remember touching myself every night for hours on end...all of these memories date back to around first or second grade. I've read these are signs of childhood sexual abuse that has been "blocked out" of the memory.
I have a general distrust of men (which could just be because of my dad's arrest and physical abuse) but could it be more? At this point, I am just trying to determine who I am and why I feel so weird and different from everyone else. I know I am emotionally damaged from my past, which is stopping me from 1) being happy and 2) having a healthy relationship. I need to know what I am dealing with, and how to move on.
