Sexual Assault Was I Sexually Abused As A Child?

[F_uckYourselves]

I'm new to this site and wasn't sure whether this belonged here or in the forum about childhood experiences, so forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong location.

I'm a woman in my late 20s, and I'm about to begin therapy to come to terms with childhood trauma involving parental abandonment, verbal and emotional abuse, domestic violence, and substance abuse. Recently, though, I've also begun to wonder whether I was sexually abused as well.

When I was six years old, my eight-year-old step-cousin (also a girl) introduced me to a "game" someone had taught her that involved her performing oral sex on me. She never threatened or coerced me into it, and I was frequently the one who suggested we play the "game" because, well, it felt good. This persisted for probably four years. I feel it's important to emphasize that we were friends and I never felt afraid of her. As an adult, I have a healthy sex life and no obvious sexual hangups.

But a few nights ago I was reading a list of symptoms consistent with childhood sexual abuse, and I was stunned by how many of them applied to me. It made me wonder whether, even though I didn't experience the "game" as a violation at the time, it may have affected me in ways I'm not fully conscious of. It also made me wonder whether there could have been an earlier instance of sexual abuse that I've blocked out. Even before the sex play with my step-cousin began, I was an unusually sexual child. I'd figured out how to masturbate myself to orgasm by the time I was three by rubbing against the sofa or the corner of my bed. In hindsight I've always felt like this probably isn't normal, and possibly a sign that I was exposed to sexual behavior too young.

However, if somebody else abused me earlier in life, I have no idea who it could have been. I don't have any blank spots in my memory (actually, I have unusually vivid memories of my childhood), and I don't recall ever feeling afraid around any relatives, family friends, babysitters, etc. So I'm just not sure what to make of it all.

If anybody can help me make sense of this information, I'd really appreciate it.

 

[Jeffrey Visser]

Dear 551

a friend of mine had something like this happening to her also but ofcourse as kid you have no idea whats going on... when she got older she heard storys from around the neighbour that two children (around 6 years old) got abused a few years ago. she got really insecure cause it was in her neighbourhood and around that time she was also six... shes still figuring out what happened that day...

i hope this story helps a little bit...

much love

jeffrey

 

[GMW]

I had very similar to you with my cousin (also a girl). Except manipulation and bullying was involved to get me to do it (my heart's beginning to race just thinking about it) and it lasted for 10 years. I have been looking into this for years. What I have found is that line between sexual play (doctors and nurses stuff) and sexually inappropriate behaviour in kids is when pleasure is involved. Play does not involve pleasure (acquisition of or giving) whereas anything inappropriate does because till a child gets older under normal circumstances they do not know sex = pleasure, they only think it makes babies (masturbation is another matter and in a child's mind does not equal sex). The big bit is where you say that you don't feel you were forced or manipulated or coerced into it... that's a a bit of a grey area.

In the UK the age of criminal responsibility (when a child should know right from wrong under normal development ie not a child with learning problems) is 10. You say it started when you were 6 and she was 8 and went on for 4 years. In the eyes of UK law that means for 2 years at least she was aware that she shouldn't have been doing these things.

Were you abused? I can't answer that. Were you damaged by it? It's not hard to imagine you were. Kids are innocent and shouldn't know what you did.

It is also unhelpful to try and place blame. You said that she wanted to play a game someone had played with her - aka she had been abused too. She was a child when it started and probably didn't know initially it was wrong because if she'd been abused then it would be normal and if it involved pleasure she wouldn't have aware it was wrong or scary or anything negative. So I'm not sure calling her an abuser is necessarily fair. What she did was wrong sure and impacted on your well being sure. You are entitled to be angry and hurt and feel everything an abused child does but to label her as an abuser is (in my view) kind of pushing the line of what's fair. In my view you are both victims. That is how I see my cousin, as equally vulnerable and hurt as I was.

As for you being an overly sexual child. That's not really a sign of abuse. It CAN be when viewed with other symptoms but as a stand alone sign it's not reliable. Some kids do masturbate because it just happens that they naturally figure out that touching themselves feels good.

I would be very hesitant about ANYONE who tells you categorically you have been abused or not. Lots of the signs of abuse can actually be signs of other things. For example I was abused and I hate the dentist. Some would take that as a sign of my abuse. It's not. It's born of the fact that my dad told me horror stories CONSTANTLY about his experiences with dentists. Be very mindful when looking at lists of symptoms.

I would however say that it sounds like you could do with seeing a therapist. Not to determine whether you have been abused or to help you uncover memories (not even a therapist can or should tell you or help you get to memories - it doesn't work like that) but the help you deal with the confusion and help you resolve any of the fear you must be feeling. It's a horrible feeling worrying about this stuff and if any of your experiences have damaged you even if you don't remember anything you feel is "that bad" your heart has still been hurt. You could benefit greatly from therapy to help you resolve this and come to terms with the fact that some of your questions might never be answered.

I hope this helps

Take care

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'd figured out how to masturbate myself to orgasm by the time I was three by rubbing against the sofa or the corner of my bed.

I used to do that as a young child.

No one is going to be able to tell you if you were exposed to sex earlier than this "game". I wouldn't say the "game" itself was an assult. It sounds like child experimentation. Possiblly the step-cousin was sexually abused and then "showing you". I did that at the age of 7 with my 4 yr old nephew. It is common that an abused child goes on to do it with other children. I also molested a 10 month old baby boy at the age of 14. I'm still disgusted with myself about it but coming to terms with the fact that I was still a child being horribly abused at the time.

Anyway, some sexual experimentation is normal amoung children as they figure out their bodies. The question is what crosses that line of too much and possible abuse involved. I'd talk about it with your therapist for sure and work that out.

You are right, in my opinion, to question. Just don't make a mountian as a mole hill, you know?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

In the UK the age of criminal responsibility (when a child should know right from wrong under normal development ie not a child with learning problems) is 10. You say it started when you were 6 and she was 8 and went on for 4 years. In the eyes of UK law that means for 2 years at least she was aware that she shouldn't have been doing these things.

If the UK jails a child at the age of 10 for sexual abuse, then the UK is mixed up. 10 is still very young! 11 is still very young!

At 14, I didn't realize, at first, that molesting the baby was wrong. It was right in my world at the time. I did figure that out mins after but if charges were brought against me (today I am still convinced they had a nanny cam as that was the last day they let me baby sit) my therapist says prior abuse would have been taken under consideration and i most likely wouldn't of been charged with anything.

Play does not involve pleasure (acquisition of or giving) whereas anything inappropriate does because till a child gets older under normal circumstances they do not know sex = pleasure, they only think it makes babies (masturbation is another matter and in a child's mind does not equal sex). The big bit is where you say that you don't feel you were forced or manipulated or coerced into it... that's a a bit of a grey area.

Also disagree. Your body will respond to stimulation regardless if its play or not. I played Dr with a 2nd cousin. Very innocent and neither of us were bringing anything into it nor were we abusing each other and the reason we did it again (after the first time) was that it felt good. Strange but good.

 

[anonymous]

Welcome. I don't believe there is such a thing a molehill when it comes to these things.

All I can say is that healing comes from understanding and acknowledging how we do feel and have reacted no matter what that is. And it is always legitimate.

Well done for thinking about this. Earlier is earlier and masturbation on its own doesn't mean you were abused before as children can be innocently sensation seeking though they are not sexual. That doesn't mean you weren't of course. Don;t forget too that other abuse and trauma can create a cascade effect and compound things hugely. You have had a lot.

Would you like to share what the symptoms are that you read and what you related to?

 

[GMW]

Also disagree. Your body will respond to stimulation regardless if its play or not.

I didn't mean that it's only abuse if you don't experience pleasure - sorry, wasn't clear. The body responds even during extreme traumatic abuse, that doesn't mean it's not rape. What I MEANT was that if the INTENTION is to cause pleasure (and it clearly was) then a line has been crossed. That's the definition as it was explained to me; if one child intentionally sets out to give another child an orgasm OR to receive an orgasm from the other child, that's the line between play and inappropriate behaviour. If it just happens then that's different.

That's where the problem is - I can never go and ask my cousin "did you MEAN to give me pleasure?" Because she'd never answer so how the hell do I know?

If the UK jails a child at the age of 10 for sexual abuse, then the UK is mixed up. 10 is still very young! 11 is still very young!

I'm not sure they would jail a child for abuse (I think it's HIGHLY unlikely), but the age you CAN go to juvenile prison is 10. Most 10 year olds do understand right from wrong. Most would be able to tell you that forcing someone to be touched where they don't want to be or can't tell you not to is wrong - my 5yr old already knows this (I've made damn sure he knows the contents of his pants are for him only and the contents of other people's pants are for them only). But I was abused (possibly raped - my memory is really fuzzy) when I was 8 by a group of teenage boys ranging from 14 - 17 after they watched porn. I was abused at school for months and the boy attempted to rape me when I was 11 and he was 12. Are you telling me that was OK and they didn't know what they were doing is wrong? Why take me into a dirty horrible shed and lock the door, fashion curtains and hide it if they thought it was OK? Why take me off alone to do it? Whether or not they would be jailed for it is beside the point - I was abused by them, end of story. It was abuse. Period. My point was, more than likely the other child knew what was happening was wrong AT SOME POINT and if she didn't stop, what she did WAS wrong. Just as you yourself acknowledge what you did was wrong (well done for being brave enough to admit it - that takes balls and I'm not judging you at all, I understand that for abused kids this happens) she also probably knows it too.

I would be very careful about invalidating people's experiences of abuse just because it doesn't necessarily fit with the norm or your experience. I was very careful not to put a label on what happened, just pointed out facts that I myself have struggled to come to terms with.

There was a very similar post recently where I said very similar things and got shouted down. If you (and by this I mean anyone reading this and not lostforgottensoul specifically) haven't lived with being abused by other kids as a kid yourself then PERHAPS you don't really know what it's like to be told your experience is invalid or not right and your feelings are too extreme for the situation. I understand that as abuse victims there is a tendency to compare and contrast stories and see whose is worse (we all do it!) but for those stories deemed to be "molehills" the owners of those stories feel a horrible sense of "I don't belong anywhere" "my experience is not horrible enough to justify help" etc. There's also the unconscious tendency to minimise anything which threatens your own reality. We all want our experiences to be valid, our pain to be acknowledged. When someone says "that happened to me" sometimes instead of feeling like we've met a kindred spirit, when we find out their experience is somehow "less" than our own, we deny their reality because it threatens our feelings of being justified. If they can claim to have been abused and they were only... lightly touched, then to us it feels almost... unfair (?) they should receive the same level of support as us if we've been subjected to horrendous rapes and multiple assaults. It's really unconsciously done. If you've ever felt resentment towards a fellow survivor (and I have - I've witnessed it on here too, people telling each other "that's not worthy of being called PTSD or trauma, look at me, I saw someone get shot once THAT'S trauma"). It's not a very nice thing to acknowledge about oneself and usually resolves when we are further along in our journey and more secure in our knowledge that we deserve help, as do others, whatever the experience. I also hasten to add, this does not happen to everyone but is quite normal.

Her feelings are valid and genuine (whatever they may be) whether she was technically abused or not. That is my point. She is allowed to make mountains out of molehills and feel whatever she feels, as long as she understands that there might not be answers to her questions or a satisfactory place to lay blame. I have struggled with this; for me it was easier to place blame when it was adult-child abuse... it was easier to get over the shame when I was a child and they were an adult. When the world tells me that my experience of child-on-child abuse is not valid because kids "do that sort of thing" it becomes ten times more confusing. I've had both; kids and adults so I can tell you; neither is easy, my anger and fear is greater towards the adults but my shame and confusion is insurmountable when it comes to the kids involved. That's not to say I don't struggle and those emotions don't switch places and I never experience shame in connection with the adults, I do, it is just easier to rationally tell myself it wasn't my fault.

I'm just really sorry for all of us who have ever had to question our experiences and sort through this crap and for all of us who have been through anything like this whether it be child, adult, girl, boy, woman, man... Wouldn't life be so much easier for everyone if we DID only have sex for procreation?!

 

[F_uckYourselves]

Welcome. I don't believe there is such a thing a molehill when it comes to these things.

All I can...

I'll just copy and paste the list. The bolded ones are the ones that applied to me.


Sexuality

I began masturbating at an early age.

As a child, I used to insert objects into my bottom, and I do not know where I learned to do this.

I seemed to know some things about sex even before they were explained to me.

I have never really been very interested in sex OR I’m preoccupied with thoughts about sex.

I can’t stand to be touched in certain sexual ways or areas of my body.

I have a strong aversion to certain sex acts OR I have a need for particular sex acts.

My experiences with sex are degrading or short-lived.

I freeze up or can’t say no when someone wants to be sexual with me.

I feel threatened when someone expresses sexual interest. All pursuit feels like a violation.

I have a sexual dysfunction, such as premature ejaculation, inability to have an orgasm, or pain during intercourse.

I feel as if there is something wrong or dirty about my sexuality.

There is only one way I can have an orgasm or one position that turns me on.

I have fantasies of sexual abuse during sex or sexual fantasies of dominance or rape.

I am or fanaticize about being a prostitute, stripper, sex symbol, or porn actress.

I have an erotic response to abuse or anger.

I have had promiscuous sex with strangers, but I’m unable to have sex in intimate relationships.

I tend to sexualize meaningful relationships.

I am compulsively seductive OR compulsively asexual.

I cry after an orgasm OR am impersonal and shutdown.

I cannot be sexual unless I am the aggressor.


Sleep

I am afraid of being alone in the dark or of sleeping alone.

I had or have recurring dreams.

I often have nightmares and night terrors (especially of pursuit, threat, or entrapment).

I remember vividly one or more nightmares from my childhood.

I have difficulty falling or staying asleep.

I sometimes wake up feeling as if I am choking, gagging, or being suffocated.

I have awakened from sleep trying to attack my partner.

Sometimes I fear or sense that someone is in my bedroom.

I often wake up frightened at the same time every night.


Fears and Attractions

I am frightened of one or more common household objects OR I have a strange affection or attraction to a common household object.

I would never go into a closet or any dark, confined space.

Basements or certain other spaces terrify me.

I am afraid to be alone or to leave my house.

When I was a child, I cowered in corners and liked to hide.

I hate going to the dentist more than most people.

I neglect my teeth.

My mouth seems repulsive to me.

I hate to have someone touch my hair.

I hate water on my face when bathing or swimming. It sometimes feels like I’m suffocating.

I am always alert to the possibility of sexual assault.

I don’t like making noise during sex, or while I cry or laugh.

I carefully monitor my words or my volume, especially when I need to be heard.

I am afraid to take risks OR I frequently take dangerous risks.

I’m afraid to get too emotionally close to anyone OR I get too close to people too fast, before I even know if I can trust them.


Eating Disturbances

I have had periods in my life when I couldn’t eat, or I had to force myself to eat.

Sometimes I binge on huge amounts of food.

Certain foods or tastes frighten me or nauseate me.

I am seriously underweight or overweight.

I gag or choke easily.

I make myself throw up, take laxatives, or exercise exhaustively to control my weight.


Body Problems

I do not take good care of my body.

Even if I think something might be wrong with me, I don’t go to the doctor.

I don’t feel connected with my body.

I hate the way my body looks.

I avoid looking in mirrors.

I wear clothing that covers up my body, either too much clothing or baggy clothes.

I wear clothes even while I swim, bath or sleep.

I need more privacy than most people when using the bathroom.

I have odd sensations in my genitals or rectum.

Whenever I think of a certain person from my childhood, I get a sensation in my genitals.

I sometimes feel physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion, or situation.

I avoid going to the gynecologist, or I dread it terribly.

I have gastrointestinal problems, gynecological problems (including spontaneous vaginal infections), headaches, arthritis or joint pain.

When I was a child, I had frequent stomachaches or headaches.

When I was a child, I wet the bed.

When I feel threatened I sometimes feel detached from my body, like I am watching a scene from a movie.


Compulsive Behaviors

I sometimes hurt myself in a way that marks or sears my body.

I have an addiction to drugs or alcohol.

My drug or alcohol use started before I was thirteen.

I do some things to excess and I just don’t know when to quit.

I can’t seem to control myself when it comes to spending money or gambling.

I try to control things that don’t really matter, just to have control of something.

I need to have the feeling that I am in control of myself, others, or situations.

I have a strong need to protect what’s mine.

I have often taken foolish risks with my safety.

I pick at my body, often without even thinking about it.


Emotional Signals

I space out or daydream.

I have an extensive fantasy life. I imagine relationships or identities that I don’t have.

I feel the need to be invisible or to make as little trouble as possible.

I instinctively know and do what others want or need without having to be told.

I don’t know why people would want to be nice to me. I have a high appreciation of small favors by others.

I often feel like I have no right to set limits or to say no.

I seem to have a pattern of being victimized, especially sexually.

I have a pattern of having relationships with a much older person, which started in adolescence.

I feel the need to be perfect OR I feel the need to be perfectly bad.

It is difficult for me to recognize, own, or express anger.

I am constantly angry.

I have an intense hostility toward an entire gender or ethnic group of the perpetrator. (Note: I have a lot of anger/resentment toward men because I witnessed so much male-on-female abuse as a kid, so I don't know how relevant this one is.)

To smile or laugh means I am losing control.

I often feel like I am being watched.

I get nervous when I am being watched.

I tend to be secretive.

I don’t like surprises.

I startle easily.

When I am in crisis, I go into shock and shutdown.

Sometimes really violent or strange pictures flash through my mind.

I feel a sense of doom, as though my life will end in tragedy or disaster.

I get nervous when I am happy and tend to sabotage it.

I have the feeling that if I am happy, it’s not real or won’t last.

I have unexplained bouts of depression or I cry without knowing the reason.

The pain in my life seems too big compared to my known history.

I have a strong sense that something terrible has happened to me or that I carry an awful secret.

I have the feeling that no one will listen to me, though I have an urge to tell OR a strong fear that my secret will be revealed.

There is a blank period in my childhood when I can remember nothing.

Other people seem to have childhood memories at an earlier age than I do.

I feel different from everyone else; I feel that I’m not real and everyone else is or vice versa.

I feel marked, like I am wearing a scarlet letter.

I have multiple personalities.

I have the feeling that I am crazy.

There have been times when I had suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide, including “passive suicide”.

Nothing seems very real sometimes.

I am not in touch with my feelings, I am usually numb.

I identify with abuse victims in the media, and often stories of abuse make me want to cry.

I have a desire to change my name, either to get away from my abuser or to take control through self-labeling.

I have a strong need to believe that nothing bad happened to me. “Maybe it’s my imagination.”

I tend to minimize the bad things that were done to me. “It wasn’t that bad.”

 

[GMW]

Hmmm... that definitely sounds like whatever happened to you - you need some help. A lot of that could be a lot of things though.

What I find interesting is you say you have witnessed male -female violence as a kid. THAT definitely needs looking into and exploring. Witnessing violence is a massive trauma for a child, it could also explain a lot of your other symptoms too. I used to run a cadet division of St John Ambulance (11-18yr olds) and I'll never forget when one kid asked me "how would you treat someone who had been strangled?" (he was 11). ALARM BELLS RANG MASSIVELY and I took him to one side and gently, without leading, asked him why he'd wanted to know that. He told me he'd seen his Dad strangle his Mum. This was a very angry, hurt, damaged child I was talking to. All of a sudden his challenging behaviour became totally understandable and I desperately wanted to give him a cuddle. I never knew if he had been a direct victim of physical abuse but the affects are mostly the same whether a child witnesses it or directly is abused.

I'm so sorry you have been through that and feel all these things. I still cannot tell you if you've been sexually abused (nobody can), but witnessing physical violence is a form of abuse in itself and for that you deserve all the help you can find. I hope you feel strong enough to reach out for that help. You deserve help, whatever has happened to you and therapy will work wonders to heal the things you've been through.

You may never remember anything and that's OK. You may one day be triggered into memory recall and that's OK too. But one thing is for sure, you cannot force it to happen (tried that myself) if you do have memories there then they will come when they are ready. Till then (if it does happen one day - not saying it will), just take care of yourself and be gentle with that little girl who witnessed those awful things.

xx

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What I MEANT was that if the INTENTION is to cause pleasure (and it clearly was) then a line has been crossed.

Ok, that I miss understood. Sorry about that.

Are you telling me that was OK and they didn't know what they were doing is wrong?

Nope, never said that it was ok. I said that not every 10, 11, 12 year olds would know it wasn't ok. I didn't at at least 10 and 11.

Most 10 year olds do understand right from wrong.

Depends on how they were raised as children gain their sense of right and wrong by their raising and their world. I grew up in a cult. My right and wrong is still twisted at 35. A severe example but an example nonetheless.

My point wasn't to invaildate or even to speak to any one experience but to state the UK putting 10 yr olds into jail (JV is kid jail and is a horrible place for most kids to be) is rather extreme.

You don't control that and I don't control that. It was a statement. An opinion.

 

[anonymous]

I'll just copy and paste the list. The bolded ones are the ones that applied to me.
I have never really been very interested in sex OR I’m preoccupied with thoughts about sex.
I have a strong aversion to certain sex acts OR I have a need for particular sex acts.
I had or have recurring dreams..”

I agree with GMW. There is a lot you are dealing with and although a lot of these would match the other forms of trauma/abuse exposure you have experienced it sounds like you at least have been affected to some extent by something body focused in some way.

I too have blanks and unexplained things i deal with. You are doing exactly the right thing by starting trauma therapy. What is probably best and what I try to practice is to try to stay in the moment and deal with I know and what comes up. If there is more and your mind believes you can cope with it then more will likely be revealed. Talk about what happened with this situation and see what happens. It sounds like you were sexualised very young and that alone has consequences. But this only needs to be whatever it is for you. The important part is understanding how it did effect you whatever that is.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

None of us can answer your question for you. Only you can do that. And honestly? You might never know for sure. I am fairly certain that I was sexually abused as a child bt my memories are really fragmented and no one can corroborate them because the only people who could are dead now. So, I might never know. That's true for many of us on this board.

It does sound like whatever happened is really bothering you. I didn't read this thread in super detail (forgive me, my brain is rather muddled right now) but if you aren't in therapy, it sounds like you should be.

I also did a quick google search of that list. Honestly? The site it comes from doesn't look very scholarly at all. I would be careful trusting it. It seems like a gigantic ad for the book that the woman wrote, and she doesn't have any academic credentials at all.