Sexual Assault Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[rosefenny]

I’m currently a freshman in high school and I just found this forum and I was elated, because I am desperate to talk to anyone about this.


I came to my current (boarding) school in January as a mid year student. This boy and I really hit it off and we hooked up on the first day of school (just making out). We continued that and finally labeled ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. After drama with my “best friend” who liked him and forced him to touch her boobs and always lied on top of him, I thought we were able to communicate well and such. He started to get sexually needier. He convinced me to let him finger me after a bit of convincing. It felt like wood against rubber. I felt nothing. I didn’t protest, I just waited for it to be over.

The next few days he would always stick his hands down my pants and would start fingering me again, even though I prayed he wouldn’t. I was stiff and rigid, and he mentioned that I seemed uncomfortable, but I just brushed that comment off with an uncomfortable laugh. At one point I thought it was his penis and not his fingers inside of me, and I didn’t tell him to stop, but I longed to. I just thought I would die right then and there and no one would notice (I have no idea why I thought this).


I tried to say no, I really did. I froze. Maybe he was kissing me too hard, or I was pressed against the wall too hard, or maybe I’m just a coward.


Around 2 weeks later, he broke up with me after ignoring me for 2 days (we live on the same campus, so it was pretty obvious). He told me it was because of his “family issues,” but I later found out it was because he wanted to hook up with my “best friend.” Now I’m left broken and I don’t know where to turn to.


No, I didn’t say no. No, I didn’t say yes. Maybe it’s not sexual assault to a group of lawyers, but I feel disgusting. I feel so violated and I feel like it’s my fault because this boy was inside of me when I didn’t want him there. I feel like a part of me is missing. Now I’m completely numb “down there.”


It’s been 6 weeks since he’s broken up with me, and people keep asking me why I cry whenever I see him (we have most of our classes together). I just say “I miss him,” but I can’t tell them the truth because the truth is, I feel like he took advantage of my body. Or maybe not. I feel like it’s definitely my fault because I could have screamed or took his hand away, but I didn’t.


Please help. I keep shaking and I have a lot of flashbacks. It happened in the practice rooms directly underneath my dorm room, so I’m so close to it. One time, a few days after it happened, I was sitting alone in a dark room and I started shaking, I screamed, and I fell out of the chair I was sitting in.


I am 14, by the way, and I was sexually/ emotionally abused by a close family member as a child. Any thoughts on this situation?

 

[Casey_03]

Did you ever see a therapist about the sexual abuse you suffered as a child? From what you've described, it sounds like that trauma is catching up with you, and you had a stress reaction to this guy because you flashed back to the earlier abuse. The earlier abuse would also explain why you didn't say no when you wanted to -- childhood abuse can train victims to have that "freeze response."

If you don't already have a therapist, I would urge you to get one to discuss all of this with. It won't go away on its own, and if you don't deal with it now, it will get worse with time.

 

[rosefenny]

Did you ever see a therapist about the sexual abuse you suffered as a child? From what you've describe...

No, I've never spoken about it to my parents. Sometimes I do wonder if what had happened was real, or if I was making that up too. I told 2 of my best friends from my hometown about what happened between my ex and I, one said I was overreacting and the other said if it was non-consensual, it was assault. I am very conflicted right now. I'd like to see a therapist about this, but I don't want people to know about this.

 

[Abigail7]

Before I read the final paragraph I was thinking that perhaps you had a sexual abuse history. Your behavior sounds familiar.

Can you get into counseling? I think it would be a good idea to find a therapist who can help you heal.

I think it would be a good idea to stay away from physical relationships for the time being until you can do some healing, enough to be able to assert yourself and your own wants and needs so that you can keep yourself safe. (Perhaps working on the freezing issue?) Unfortunately we don't yet live in a yes means yes world, so if we don't say no, some guys (incorrectly) take that to mean they can do whatever they want. I just want to see you be able to keep yourself safe.

 

[rosefenny]

Did you ever see a therapist about the sexual abuse you suffered as a child? From what you've describe...

Do you think I am overreacting with this whole situation? I feel like I have lost my mind over this.

 

[Casey_03]

No, I definitely don't think you're overreacting. But I think you need to talk to someone (a professional) about the childhood abuse. Have you ever seen anyone about it? I don't think your ex-boyfriend is really the main issue here. I think you got triggered during your experience with him and flashed back to your previous abuse -- but no, you are not overreacting. Not in the slightest. Trauma has a way with catching up with you. I was abused as a child but didn't remember it until I was much older. And I remember that I had a similar reaction to yours during my first sexual experiences. I felt the same way you did and couldn't figure out why. I didn't get help at that time, because I wasn't even aware then that I'd been abused when I was young. But I wish I had gotten help, my life would've probably turned out a lot better.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up or question your own feelings. You did nothing wrong, and you're not overreacting.

 

[Sideways]

To a group of lawyers? They'd be scrutinising your local laws to look for an answer. But the thing is this: rape is sex without consent. That's the social norm. Put aside what the courts would have to say about it - the trauma is the part where someone is violating your body when you don't want them to. That's traumatic. In your mind, at the time that it happened, did you consent? And the only person who can know how you felt in your mind? Is you.

Definitely find someone to talk to about this: counsellor, therapist. If it's left you with these questions? Then it doesn't matter what that group of lawyers would say - if you feel violated, your feelings are telling you "This is not okay with me". Your feelings are valid. And you need to heal.

In the long term, I'd second @Casey_03 's suggestion to look towards finding a T to talk to about your childhood experience. You froze when he was inside you, and that's completely understandable. But if you've been abused as a child, it means that your "freeze" response is likely to be your go-to now when you feel sexually unsafe. Which isn't safe for you. Not any more.

You have the right to say 'no', but with child abuse, our brains instead learn that "Oh, this is where I have to freeze to keep myself safe". That response kept you safe as a child, but as you get older, that learned response is no longer helpful. It's passed it's used-by. Now that you're older, you can say No. You're allowed to say No. At any point, when someone is being sexual with you and it doesn't feel right? No. Stop.

Therapy is important for those of us who were abused as a child, because it helps us re-teach our brain that what we learned as a child to keep ourself safe, is no longer necessary. We don't need to freeze. We have every right to say No, and to have that respected by the person we're with.

At 14, you're neck deep in guys figuring out things sexually. You deserve to be respected by them. No matter how much they want to, you can say No, Stop the second things get uncomfortable. You say it, just like that. And it's okay. You have autonomy over your body. Your deserve to feel safe.

Definitely find someone to support you through this. Take care of you.

 

[Esterio]

Hi there Rosefenny Welcome to this forum. As you can see you will meet some really good and informative folks here. I don't have a lot to add to the responses above all but to agree with them. I was sexually abuse as a cild and have had that same freeze response. I have found with me abstinence is best for me now. I am 62 and never dealt with my trauma's I have tried. I have not been successful yet still trying. I hope you find the answers you need and get some help so that your life is not as difficult as mine has been with out treatment for ptsd.
Peace be safe

 

[rosefenny]

Thank you so much for your reply, all of yours.

I wish I had listened to staying away from physical relationships because now I realize I wasn't ready.

A few weeks ago I almost hooked up with this guy, let's call him K, but then I told my friend who was setting it up that I didn't feel ready, and he further communicated to K that I wasn't ready. Last weekend I told my friend I said I wanted to hook up with him, and without telling me, he texted K saying so. Then my friend said "go f*ck already" and he pushed us both out of his dorm room. I protested to my friend, shouting (in Spanish, as we both are almost fluent), begging him to let me back into his room. I fought so hard, I tried to squeeze myself into his room, and my foot made it in, so he opened the door. I said something, I don't remember exactly, in Spanish, but he closed the door once again. I shouted a few more things (I only raise my voice in scenes or songs, so this was rare), but there was a point when I just stopped fighting. I seemed to go on autopilot and I took K to my dorm room and we talked for a while. Then we didn't talk. He started kissing me, and I guess I kissed him back. Soon he had started fingering me, and I tried to scream or say no or literally do anything to get him off of me. I can't remember if I tried to pull away or not, but I do remember never saying yes. The dorm parents live right next to me, and I kept praying that they would walk in and stop it, because I was too weak to stop it. It seems like centuries later he had to go back to his dorm for check in at 11:00pm.

After he left, I started bleeding so much and it hurt like hell. My roommate came back into the room and I immediately took a shower to try to cleanse myself of this dirty, disgusting feeling that I still feel.

I just can't believe my friend, my best friend, would let me walk into a situation like that, and why K couldn't take the hint that I didn't want to hook up with him. I feel like this, whatever it is, be it sexual assault or not, is all my fault.

Another thing I forgot to add, my friend said I "had to hook up with him" because I said no last time and "you don't dip twice."

 

[James McGregor]

i think your previous history is probably more of the issue than what happened with the boy latterly to be honest. If you didnt communicate how you felt, then he couldnt know - he cant read minds. You have to have given him the opportunity to back off. Regret is fine, we all live with regret, but the experience seems to be more linked to the past than the present, so thats what i would concentrate on with a therapist