Dom Violence Was In An Abusive Relationship And I Still Love Him When I Should Hate Him. Why ?

[Leahvonheck]

I really cannot understand that after all I've been through with my ex I still care and love him. I've read so much about this and understand everything but I cannot change how I feel overnight and literally it's killing me inside. My ex has hit me, choked me and just overall mentally and physically abused me. I would say that majority of the time he's a good guy for the most part, but his anger is a completely different person and I cannot stand him. It got to the point where I didn't like him didn't want to see him and yet I still couldn't be without him. And now he's in jail because he stalked me and found out I went out with a guy when we were broken up and practically wanted to killed me and beat me up pretty bad and I just couldn't do it anymore. But now I'm so upset because of everything and I'm sad how everything happened and it was for the best I but how can I cope with not caring for him and loving him? Just with time ? I just need some advice!

 

[Justmehere]

You fell in love with him for a reason. He probably has some good things about him. Now, the feelings you have are more likely due to something called "trauma bonding." It's a very powerful thing, and it makes it very hard for victims to just stop caring about their abusers. In fact, female survivors of domestic violence, on average, go back to their abusers on average 7 times, because of trauma bonding. It's THAT powerful for some people. This happens between victims and their abusers a lot. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It means you survived hell.

And you had the courage to walk away, get out of the relationship - and the pull to go back, the longing for him, that may be there a little while, but it does get better.

The unhealthy parts of being trauma bonded with a former abuser will get better with time, and even more so, with therapy and support, and building safe healthy relationships to other people. It will get better by putting up strong boundaries with him to keep him out of your life, and any other abusers.

It will get better. With time, space, and support, and lots of safety, the feelings of anger of what he did, may or may not come.

 

[shimmerz]

because of trauma bonding.

This ^^^. This is really big. Also known as Stockholm Syndrome. I would research this if I were you.... it really explains a ton for someone in this situation.

 

[The Albatross]

The flip side of love isn't really hatred, it's indifference.

Leaving an abusive relationship always reminds me of a Henry Rollin's song lyric... they "come to you like an affliction" and "leave you like an addiction".

Would really spend some time and effort soul searching why you remain so enmeshed in a very dangerous "love" relationship.

 

[moonchild56]

It doesnt really matter why you love him, you just do and its ok. Its ok to love someone who has hurt you, its just not helpful for yourself to allow the behavior to continue and doesnt help him either. There is nothing wrong with you, you dont need to change how you feel. In time it gets better, but like losing anyone you care about, your always going to miss them.

 

[Liligirl]

Read some stuff on, 'Symbiotic relationships' xx

 

[trying2movefwd]

I deal with this too. As a matter of fact this past Sunday I got so worried about"him" I ended up emailing him after having no contact since last August...afterwards the flashbacks poured out like a flood! I said it like this in group therapy one time, "domestic violence is so complicated...You love somebody, but they hurt you over and over again...." It's so hard, but we need to keep ourselves safe and learn what true love really looks like (um and if it even exists).

 

[trying2movefwd]

I deal with this too. As a matter of fact this past Sunday I got so worried about"him" I ended u...

P.S. It would have been our 12th wedding anniversary on Sunday.

 

[Thematrix]

Choking, hitting, physically and mentally abusing, stalking is not a great guy. If you go back it will be more of the same. Why would you want that? That is not love, that is dangerous and dangerous for you. Focus on you and think about why you are tolerating this. Is it low self esteem? Co dependency? Sex addiction?

 

[Recoveringfromabuse]

I know how this feels but for what it's worth I think it really requires serious self-examination as to why your head/heart are generating feelings for someone who is so toxic and destructive. I am working on this myself. I believe it's because the abuser "programs" you with false beliefs that they care(d) about you which causes you to align yourself with them and believe in them despite all evidence to the contrary. Definitely read about trauma bonding, and also have a look at this website about changing false beliefs. I worked out that I have a false belief that he was in some way a decent person and a friend rather than an exploitative, manipulative, remorseless, utterly selfish monster (psychopath, even) who wore a mask to disguise his inner emptiness and malevolence. Much as I would like to say that I'm "cured" of my false beliefs about the man who abused me, I am still dealing with the fallout about a year later.

 

[Recoveringfromabuse]

The thread wouldn't accept the link in my previous post - just search for "pathway to happiness" and look at false beliefs. I have found this very interesting and it really is very useful to work through the false beliefs you have about yourself, and about your abuser

 

[ICantHateHim_13]

I deal with this too. As a matter of fact this past Sunday I got so worried about"him" I ended u...

What did you do after you contacted him? I gave in to his pleads of wanting to talk to me last night and now he wants to see me and driving me crazy! I know I shouldn't see him and I've told him multiple times that I'm not going to see him, but it still haunts me and I'm still talking to him..WHAT CAN I DO