Sexual Assault Was It Actually Abuse Or Just My Fault?

[Freyja]

A couple at my church who are some of my close friends, have been very involved in helping me deal with my ex husbands affairs and abuse and move forward.

However over time the husband became very flirtatious with me.

We engaged in a lot of flirtatious talk and texts that was generally playful, but started to make me uncomfortable. I liked the attention because it made me feel noticed and like someone might actually want me after the way my husband treated me and the affairs he’d had. But I also felt disgusted by that feeling, because I didn’t really want to be wanted by my friend because he was married.

Then it progressed to him physically touching me in a sexual way. I perpetuated a lot of this because at first I simply liked the attention and physically my body 'wanted it' even though I really didn't want it from him and I think its a disgusting and despicable thing to do to my friend & their marriage.

I wanted affection from him in the form of hugs and safe male contact, but when he started touching me more inappropriately it felt really wrong and went against everything I believe, but my body still wanted him to keep going and that makes me a really horrible person. I did repeatedly ask him to stop and push his hands away, but he would keep going and I wasn’t very forceful because I didn’t want to disappoint him or stop him from wanting to be my friend, which is pathetic.

I was scared of losing his attention or affection at all, so I didn’t make myself as forceful as I wanted to be or definitely as I should have been.

Eventually he’d take it too far and I’d make him stop or he would stop. Sometimes I would apologise afterward and sometimes he would apologise and we would agree that it couldn’t happen again, but eventually it would. He didn’t seem too concerned by it, but I also knew he was just trying to protect me from worrying more than necessary and making sure he dealt with his guilt on his own.

However, I felt really confused why he had such a relaxed approach to something that was obviously so wrong. His wife was very open about sex and they were both quite flirtatious with each other in front of me and eluded that they fantasised about a threesome and said/did some very sexual things in front of me.

I didn’t really mind at first and I found it encouraging to see a married couple who treated each other so well in sex and were so into each other - mostly because my experience of sex with my ex husband was very negative, abusive, forceful or neglectful. It made it seem more normal when the husband and I started having sexual conversations or he texted me sexual things.

But there was definitely a point where I recognised that it wasn’t healthy or helpful to either of us and not respectful of his marriage. Then when it progressed into touching, I felt so scared of disappointing him, losing his affection or friendship that I wasn’t assertive enough. I found it really hard not to respond to his physical touch because it felt really good and I hadn’t experienced that kind of sexual contact from my husband where I felt wanted, cared for and essentially sexy. It’s disgusting but it physically felt good and my body really wanted it so it became harder to be assertive.

But mentally and emotionally I didn’t want that - definitely not from him - and I always felt horrible and dirty afterward. I never let it get to the point of taking clothes off and I didn’t touch him very much because it felt so wrong.

But he progressed to touching me everywhere over clothing to point I was physically reacting even when I tried to push his hands away. I started to feel really anxious all the time around him or even when I wasn’t with him. I felt really ashamed and dirty, but physically my body still wanted it and emotionally it made me feel like someone could actually want me, even though I knew he didn’t really, it was just a bit of fun to him.

We discussed it a number of times and said it couldn't continue, but it still did over a number of months. He apologised too and said he was sorry for taking advantage of my vulnerability. However, I wasn't forceful enough and I definitely made it seem acceptable, even when I was also saying it wasn't ok.

I didn't want to do it and I felt really uncomfortable with it. Its made me really anxious and ashamed all the time. I can't believe I could do something so horrible. I didn't want to stop him because I was afraid of losing his friendship or letting him down. I know how awful it is to be cheated on so I don’t understand how I could be involved in that. I feel absolutely horrible toward his wife, who is a good friend, and feel awful toward the husband too, that I allowed myself to be a continual temptation to a really good man who had previously had a strong marriage and done so much for others, including myself.

I can’t forgive myself for this. I also feel like I've hurt & damaged so much for so many people in my church & who know them & love them. I'm the disgusting whore who's tempted him & done this horrible thing to him but mostly to his wife & kids who I dearly love. But I also feel like I don’t know how to make sense of a world where someone I really loved and respected could do that to his wife, and on top of that, that I was the one to do it.

I finally told a friend who encouraged me to tell my psychiatrist- they both say that I was groomed & sexually abused & see me as a victim.

but even though I see that he did the wrong thing by his wife, I still think I'm equally to blame.

It is still my fault right?

 

[Friday]

The way I'm reading things, which could be wrong, you moved into the home of an open-marriage couple who were very open about wanting a threesome. You kind of went back and forth on the matter, for several months. When you'd say yes, things would progress, and when you said no, things would stop? Over time you decided that this was more and more something you didn't want, but were afraid of losing the friendship, and the two people you've spoken with about how to have better boundaries have said this is sexual abuse? Is that accurate?

Purely from what you've written I would have to disagree with both abuse AND fault/blame. Yep, coming out of an abusive marriage usually means shit for boundaries, amongst other things, but is sounds like you've been in the drivers seat as far as this relationship goes, and have been both learning and deciding on your boundaries. They're open about what they'd like, sometimes you've been on board, sometimes you haven't, and either way they've respected that.

But I don't know you, or these people. Maybe they're total sleezeballs, and maybe your boundaries and your standards are so low that you can't see much less act on things being wrong.

Either way, I'd really strongly recommend taking a break from all things sexual/romantic until you've had some time to work on yourself, and both decide what you want, what you don't, AND have the ability to back that up with action.

 

[Freyja]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I don't know. I know his wife wouldn't have wanted us to say or do any of those things with out her there. She would be very hurt.

I wasn't ok with what happened but I was too scared to lose the friendship esp because they'd been such a support & I respected them so much.
But I wasn't forceful enough in continually saying no either.

I think that I've been a part of a horrible thing & I think you're right that it's not abuse.. I made all my own decisions & therefore I'm culpable.

Appreciate your perspective.

 

[An Empathetic Friend]

I can't say how much I empathize with the feelings and relationship progression you describe. If it were months ago, I could have changed a few details and written the post myself. All of the questions you ask yourself and the worries you have about how you acted make perfect sense to me. You're describing one of the most confusing situations I've ever been in, and that I can imagine we could experience as human beings. My heart pangs with empathy.

I'm glad you have some good friends and support who encourage you to see a therapist and that they're (correctly from everything you wrote) telling you that you were groomed and taken advantage of. And to be clear, when I say taken advantage of, I'm talking about sexual assault and/or rape.

Here's are a few questions I ask myself that help me sort through the shame and understand where I was coerced instead of simply being a willing participant. Some of them, you've already answered in your post.
*Regardless of all other details, did you say or even just mean to say "no" at any time to the sexual contact?
*If he had not pursued sexual contact and all progression were up to you, would it have gone as far? Would there have been any sexual contact at all? How different is that possible scenario compared to what did happened (where he did pressure you)?
*Did he indicate to you in any way that your needed emotional support from him was dependent on what you did sexually? Think of all the things, little or big. If there's any kind of pattern there, it's safe to say he intentionally did so.

I hope these help you like they help me. I think they are really central to helping me find where the line is between "I wanted it" and "I didn't want it but couldn't help but benefit from it or enjoy it."

Thank you for sharing your story. Even as I've become clearer and clearer on my own sexual assault and rape, when I read your story, it reminded me again that it was not my fault and that anyone in that kind of situation would feel as confused and guilty as I did. It's also a reminder to me that just sharing my story, even when I am confused and downtrodden, can help someone else fight against this evil.

And having been in those situations does not mean we are weak. I think it's an indication of how much we need or needed real, deep human connection. Often it is only because we're already so deprived of it.

 

[lux.]

First off, it is absolutely not your fault. You tried to stop this again and again, and actually kept it from progressing to the point of taking off your clothes, and I'm sure that was hard enough to do.

my body still wanted him to keep going and that makes me a really horrible person. I did repeatedly ask him to stop and push his hands away, but he would keep going and I wasn’t very forceful because I didn’t want to disappoint him or stop him from wanting to be my friend, which is pathetic. I was scared of losing his attention or affection at all, so I didn’t make myself as forceful as I wanted to be or definitely as I should have been.

Your body's reaction is natural and not something you can control. That does not make you a horrible person at all. I know it doesn't always help to quiet the voices in your head when you hear it from other people, but I truly and firmly do not believe that anything about this was pathetic. You did try really hard to stop him, and it's terrible of him that he did not listen.

I have a similar problem in saying no. I'm always afraid to speak up for myself, especially in sexual situations. I believe that for me it stems from childhood abuse, having never had the ability to say no, or at least it was never heeded. It's also about just having extremely low self-esteem and feeling like I don't deserve to speak up for myself, and it sounds like maybe that's part of it for you, too, as you seem to have a lot of self-hatred.

He apologised too and said he was sorry for taking advantage of my vulnerability. However, I wasn't forceful enough and I definitely made it seem acceptable, even when I was also saying it wasn't ok.

How do you know exactly how forceful you should have been? The truth is that he should have listened to just the simple word "no." It's understandable that you had mixed emotions about it and found it hard to really stick to your guns, but you shouldn't have had to keep saying no over and over. No means no, simple as that.

I'm the disgusting whore who's tempted him & done this horrible thing to him but mostly to his wife & kids who I dearly love. But I also feel like I don’t know how to make sense of a world where someone I really loved and respected could do that to his wife, and on top of that, that I was the one to do it.

It sounds like you didn't tempt him; the way you put it, he started the flirtation and especially was the one to make it physical. If anyone is a "whore," it's him.

I guess I read your post differently than @Friday, but I do think you were taken advantage of by this man. As to whether or not it's abuse, I can't say, but he certainly mistreated you and caused you to feel horrible shame and guilt, which you do not deserve. I think you should try to have more compassion for yourself. You did really try to stop him. You did not abandon your belief that this was wrong just because you wanted it, and you continually tried to stop it despite his repeated attempts. I've been in situations like that before, where you keep saying no and the person just keeps going or trying to coerce you, and it's incredibly difficult to stand up to that kind of pressure after a while.

I think the first step is to stop calling yourself names. You don't have to tell yourself that you're a good person, but just stop repeating these messages to yourself that you're dirty, pathetic, etc., because it's just beating you down further. This also sounds like something you need to talk about extensively in therapy, because it sounds like the guilt and shame are overwhelming, and they are extremely toxic emotions. I am not religious, but I don't know if confession would help? Or maybe they only do that in Catholic churches...I really know nothing about religion, but I wonder if your religious beliefs are a factor in this and, if so, perhaps there's something the church can do to help you feel better about it.

 

[Freyja]

First off, it is absolutely not your fault. You tried to stop this again and again, and actually ke...

Thanks so much for your response. I really really appreciate your time & appreciate the encouragement to be kinder to myself.

I think I just feel like even if he did take advantage of me and even if it was abusive, I still made my own choices & didn't respect his wife - I put my own fear ahead of what I knew what right. I don't know how to accept that.

 

[lux.]

I feel exactly the same way about a lot of my abuse. I feel like I got myself into that situation and I could have gotten myself out of it, I could have protected myself, so it's my fault--so therefore I shouldn't even call it trauma. Unfortunately, since I haven't even begun to get over this feeling of shame and self-blame myself, I don't have the answer for you.

When you write the word shame on the forum, it usually pops up as a link to a blog post about guilt and shame. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it looks like it actually has some good advice. The link should be in the first paragraph of this post.

 

[lux.]

It appears that it is not, but the word shame is a link in my first response.

 

[Freyja]

Thanks Lux. I really appreciate your response. I'm sorry to hear you've been through something awful & the shame you feel about that. That's not what you deserve.

 

[LizaB]

I believe strongly he took advantage of your vulnerability... you were looking for
their support and he knew that.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It's not your fault at all. He pushed & pushed.
It was a Betrayal.
The guilt and shame should belong to him.

A couple at my church who are some of my close friends, have been very involved in helping me deal with...