Was my therapist now my best friend

[Bird33]

I was with my therapist for 2 years and then she asked if I wanted to be friends. I of course did because I had put her on a pedestal and there was a lot of transference going. We tried continuing therapy after we became friends but it was obvious it wasn’t going to work.
That was two years ago.

We are still best friends but I struggle everyday with the relationship and I am not sure why. The relationship is good in so many ways so I don’t understand the pain I feel. If I could go back I would have never met her so I would not have to deal with this.
Is there something wrong with me? Has anyone else dealt with this?

 

[Emotional girl]

I know some people on here are going to say that they think that it is a perfectly ok for a therapist and their client to be friends and that you shouldn't be worrying about this relationship and that you are probably just over analysing the situation.
However that isn't my view and I had this very discussion with my T a few weeks ago about Ts and clients becoming friends .I trust my T more than anyone else in the world and he has taught me a lot about boundaries(which I still try to push) and I think if we were to become friends or anything else for that matter then those boundaries would change and so would the dynamic of our relationship and I am not sure I could handle that.He makes me feel 100% safe and I know he won't hurt me but you can not always guarantee that in a friendship.
I do not think there is anything wrong with you at all,I do think this down to your T and her boundaries and when it comes down to things I think you need to have a discussion with her and explain your worries and concerns if she is a good friend and person then she will help you through them.

 

[Bird33]

@Emotional girl thank you for your reply.
The problem is after the friendship relationship started we talked about it for a little while but we have not talked about it for over a year. I think she has moved past the client therapist relationship and I think I am somewhat stuck there.
I am so afraid to say something to mess it up even though I am not sure why. I feel she is still on a pedestal and I am just so lucky. I feel like at any moment she is going to come to her senses and think what the hell was I thinking being friends with her. It’s messed up, I know.

 

[Emotional girl]

You have not messed up but it does sound like you have insecurities about the relationship that you need to deal with.
When you were in therapy did she know that you put her on a pedestal?

 

[Bird33]

@Emotional girl No I don’t think she knew that.
For the first year and a half we saw each other 3-4 times a week. Our families spent vacations together. We did couple things together. This was all her ideas. I never planned anything bc my kids are older and it’s easier for me to go at her schedule. We still do but 5 months ago she said she said she felt things were out of balance on her part and needed to spend more time with her family. We still talk daily and see each other once a week. I just feel everything is done her way and I have no say. To be fair, I just do it that way to be safe. I feel like now she is setting boundaries but I am already stuck in this relationship this way. I feel like I can’t live without this relationship but at the same time I am struggling with it.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Bird33 It’s messed up, I know. (I cannot get quotes to work properly sorry) -

I don't think your therapist should have done this. It is not professional. I can think of a dozen reasons why I would be very uneasy in a relationship (friends) with my psydoc and I have a great one. I trust him. I know I can tell him my darkest thoughts and he would know every 'button' that could set me off into a very bad situation. This is why confidentiality is so special in the relationship. I know he cares for me and I care for him...we are at that point where I can relate to him things no other human knows or will ever know. That doesn't mean he is my friend. He is helping me to learn to live as normally as I can. (That is a mutually agreed ambition between both of us). Nothing more.

Really I can understand why you would agree to being friends BUT is it really a friendship when she appears to still be on that pedestal? Friends come about from mutual respect etc., I am not going to write down what a friend is. Certainly friendships are dynamic in that at sometimes we will lean on our friends for help etc., But she was your therapist. That is an entirely different relationship from being a 'best friend'...at least for me.

Where are the lines of confidentiality drawn? What if you fall out of favour with this person or you with her? So many things can go wrong and you are already wondering.

I am really sure it is not in your long term interests to continue being her 'best friend' or vice versa. If you are seeing another therapist well & good. Idk this isn't a even handed situation.

To answer your question. There is obviously is an ongoing matter with you..being ptsd or past trauma or other illness. But the question should be what is wrong with her? A lot in my opinion.

You paid this person for a psy. service and it doesn't matter what you do or how well you are now...I can totally understand how uneasy this would sit with you.

This has not happened to me. I know it will not.

 

[Suzetig]

There are really good reasons for the boundaries around Ts being friends with their clients, because it’s very difficult to move the relationship from where it first started. Not impossible, but very difficult.

I’m not surprised you’re struggling, it sounds like you’re scared to say what you need from her for fear of her ending the friendship. A real friendship is two way, equal and mutual - you had her on a pedestal, which isn’t unusual for Ts but illustrates the power dynamic at play which can be hard to even up. Even if she has moved past the T/Client relationship- you haven’t and you’re arguably the more vulnerable person here.

The only way to resolve things is to talk to her about the relationship shift and how you feel, or perhaps accept she can’t be to you the person you hoped she would. Had you finished therapy when she asked you to be her friend?

 

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 At the beginning she told me everything in her life and honestly now I think I support her more in her stuff. I don’t really talk about my stuff anymore. I have a lot of friends and she did not. I talked about all this in therapy and she knew that I would do anything for my friends. My friends are very important to me bc when I was being abused as a kid I always felt so alone and never want to feel that way again.

I do have another therapist now. I did tell her what happened and she was very angry. She felt I was taken adavantage of.

@Suzetig I was still her client when she asked to be friends. We would text in between sessions a little before she asked me.

I guess I am struggling bc I am so afraid to say something to mess it up. I worry I won’t be able to handle it if she leaves. So what do I do?

 

[Suzetig]

Your current T is very angry about it because this person has behaved very unethically.

What do you want in this relationship?

 

[blackemerald1]

@Bird33 so the relationship started out with you needing her help. Now you are getting that help elsewhere. You are no longer comfortable with her friendship.

You can ease away from her gradually. You do not have to be mean hearted about it. You can just slowly distance yourself by not being so available. As you would with anyone that is starting to make you feel ill at ease. Thats what I would do I guess...but I am speculating because I have never been in a 'friendship' with a therapist...after they stopped seeing me professionally.

Given that the 'friendship' has already started by her asking you to be her friend... you now still do have choices about remaining friends and at what level.

 

[Bird33]

@Suzetig I guess I thought it would be different. We are close and talk about everything personal. I know I am not talking about this stuff.I really like her and we have fun. I guess I thought she would be very caring and supportive like she was in therapy but she really isn’t in that way. Don’t get me wrong she is supportive and caring but just not like I thought. I guess because it is a friendship instead. Maybe that’s what I am having a hard time with. I keep looking at it like it is the therapist relationship still.

 

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 i understand what you are saying and I wish I could do that. I feel like I need this relationship. Do you understand? That I can’t survive without it. I felt that way in therapy with her and it has continued.