Was my therapist now my best friend

[blackemerald1]

like she was in therapy but she really isn’t in that way.

You have hit the nail on the head.

You and your ex therapist have different expectations about what a friendship would be like. She had expectations of you that were unrealistic (being a former client of hers) and you have expectations of her continuing to be in therapist mode. Neither of you are probably going to be able to alter the dynamics and as you said you feel uneasy.

I'm sorry I don't want to be harsh here but there is nothing wrong with you and she has behaved unethically. You have another therapist now. That is where you should be seeking your treatment from. (Still not trying to sound harsh) @Bird33 you can let go of this person and you may be surprised at how relieved you begin to feel after you start distancing yourself.

I am not going to condemn her any further. Your feelings and health are my concern and they should be yours too. You will be able to handle it. You are underestimating your abilities to function well without her. I know it may make you feel insecure for a little while but isn't that better than keeping up a friendship that is very unbalanced?

You have other friends who are probably very good friends...keep those relationships intact and keep going to your new therapist.

 

[Bird33]

@blackemerald1 I really appreciate you being candid. I understand what you are saying. I have spoken with my therapist about it and then I guess I question my instincts and think I am making a bad decision.

I have never felt like this in a relationship. I feel a pull to her and I’m so afraid to make a move a way from her. What if I can’t make it without her? What if it’s the wrong decision? This is what I worry about.
I do keep my other relationships going but if I can go out with her I will do that first. I know that is wrong. I just feel like I don’t have a choice. Even though logically I do know I have a choice. Does it make sense?

 

[UnicornSightings]

Break the spell! It IS a spell. That illusion of NEEDING that person. Of being unable to make it on your own without her. And here’s the kicker, you won’t be able to see that you don’t need her UNTIL you end it! It’s true. Shitty but true. And it will take time. And then you’ll wake up and realize you were in a foggy dream world and it wasn’t what you actually needed. Past experiences are playing a trick on you with this dependency. Give yourself credit. You don’t need her and this is a very unhealthy relationship.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Bird33 I appreciate what you are feeling, I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh.

You know sometimes you just have to trust you instincts and as I have said you don't have to be mean to her about it.

You can chose to go out with other friends first and give yourself the head space to adjust gently.

Feelings and not wanting to second guess yourself are powerful. But your gut instincts are telling you to back off and I would be trusting your own instincts first.

It's not a 'all or nothing' situation is it? You can adjust your routine. Not be so available to her requests for social activities but fill those times with other friends or activities. Gently remove yourself (in your own head)...from the bf status to acquaintance or a friendly hello every now and then. I'm not suggesting you treat her badly or like an enemy.

Any adjustments like this feel scary at first but you can do this. I cannot make you do this but for your future happiness particularly as you have that instinct kicking in already...I'd be giving it a really decent go.

She is a powerful person in your mind. But you can change your mind!

 

[NightSky]

This is exactly why friendships with therapists don’t work. There’s this fantasy that the T would be this totally present, nurturing, supportive person because that’s (hopefully) what we see in the therapy room. But we pay them to put everything else aside and to give us their full attention and their expertise. In a friendship there isn’t space set aside for that side of her to operate with you. It isn’t her job anymore to guide you. And it sounds like you’ve attached to her which can make you feel like she is your safe place. I think in a therapeutic relationship that’s okay for a while because we need to learn (some of us) to trust and be vulnerable. They are trained to deal with that and can help us “grow up” and out of that attachment. But friendships don’t operate that way. We mutually support one another as needed but we aren’t an expert at something for the benefit of the other person. You still see her as the one who can help you, maybe. But when you shifted from therapy to friends it’s no longer her place in your life. I agree you have to distance yourself to see that you’ll be okay without her and keep talking to your T about it.

 

[UnicornSightings]

You said you have some really close friends so I’m curious what THEY think of you being friends with your t? And have you ever all hung out together? And if not, why not? I think getting their take on the dynamic would be invaluable since they would have your best interests in mind.

 

[Suzetig]

I guess I thought she would be very caring and supportive like she was in therapy but she really isn’t in that way.

That’s the thing, you only see someone for an hour in therapy, and they have a particular job to do - their job is to provide a safe place for you to do the work you need to. They need to create an environment that enables you to talk about very difficult stuff. It’s not that they’re pretending in therapy, but you only see a small part of who they are. The warm, safe person is still there outside therapy but your T has other sides to her personality which means she’ll seem different outside of therapy. And Ts have the same life stuff that everyone else has and a friendship means you see that in a way you don’t in therapy. Because in therapy you have no responsibility to care for your T, but friends do care and accommodate each other.

It sounds like you thought you’d have the same relationship with your T, but more of it, if you see what I mean, when she should have been clear that she couldn’t offer you the same level of support she offers her clients.

 

[Emotional girl]

The more I read this thread the more uneasy I feel about it and none of it is your fault.Your ex T should have recognised your attachment to her and should never have crossed those boundaries by asking you to be friends with her, now you are having difficulties with the dynamic of the relationship and rather than having a healthy and equal friendship you seem to be in ore of her and if I am honest she seems to have some kind of control.
You say you have other friends maybe it is time to spend more time with them and try to step back from your relationship with your ex T

 

[DharmaGirl]

I keep looking at it like it is the therapist relationship stil

That's why it's discouraged. Even 2 or 4 years after leaving the relationship, I would not want to be friends with my 1st therapist, up there on his pedestal. My next therapist I am going to a group where she is the facilitator. She left her position and I am without a therapist.

 

[Tinyflame]

This might not be helpful, as I just don't have the brain power to read and absorb everything, nor appropriate experience, so please ignore if not helpful.

@Suzetig makes the most sense to me.

For my part, I've often become friends with people I met in professional or user- end positions, and a rare one has been life long. I have many friends, but really to me they are acquaintances (in my mind).

I think everyone has their own definition of what constitutes a friend; to me it's mutual care, respect, honesty, having each other's back. And obviously getting along with how a person 'truly' is. From what you've described perhaps you've simply come to realize you don't gel in those ways? As you find with any person (or not).

True friends are few and far between.

The only thing I don't subscribe to is playing guessing games, or being passive-aggressive. I think though I am a woman I was raised more like a man- or perhaps I am just too dense- or perhaps because I fear I am a burden- or all those things, I never know how to interpret radio silence: did I do something wrong? Are they trying to tell me to go away? Am I mind-reading or not giving them proper consideration they are just too busy, or missing the 'obvious'? I've had it go almost every way, at some point; sometimes people don't understand why I left, others are probably glad. But also, it's a function of my history, and personality. I tend to feel badly about myself to not cut others slack, but a fool and bs'ed to be a bother continuing to do so, if that's not what they want, and don't say.

I think that's why barring a couple all my best friends were men, not without exception will they be direct, but usually. And that works better for my mind and heart, just me, the way I am. I'm soft-hearted. But I can also be a moron.

If she is truly is/was a friend, and you are adults, you should be able to be honest and open with her.

Good luck. :hug:

 

[Bird33]

Thank you all for your replies. For the first year and a half she would say things like “I want to be the one you come too. Lean on me.” So I did and she leaned on me too. She says things like “I love you and I miss you.” It’s all stuff I want to hear.
I have other people that say those things to me so I’m. It sure why I need it so much from her. But I feel like I NEED it from her. I have tried to pull away a little and I have gotten better but then she will say or do something that brings me right back.

Honestly I’m just scared because I hate this feeling but can’t seem to get away from it.

My husband thinks it is wrong and a couple of my friends thought so too. All my friends have met her but I wasn’t supposed to tell them she was my therapist. Mostly we hang out by ourselves bc she lives in another town.

 

[Suzetig]

All my friends have met her but I wasn’t supposed to tell them she was my therapist.

Ok, that suggests to me she very well knows she’s out of bounds here. Anything you can’t be entirely open about with folk close to you, probably shouldn’t be happening. It sounds like you know this though, you just don’t know how to get yourself out of it at this stage.