Was my therapist now my best friend

[LuckiLee]

Don't take this the wrong way but she sounds awful. What can you even like about her? Other than the fact she tells you she loves you. (all kinds of creepy going on here). I agree with everyone here. Cut all communication pronto! Good luck.

 

[Bird33]

@EveHarrington @littleoc Thank you both it does help so much to hear your experiences.

I just want to understand why I have such a strong attachment. Why did you guys have such a strong attachment in your relationships? I don’t normally do this ever. I just want to understand it so maybe I can stop it.

 

[littleoc]

@EveHarrington @littleoc Thank you both it does help so much to he...

It didn't happen in any of my other relationships either, and I'm still in the process of understanding why it happened.

The only reason I was even able to begin exploring it? Because I had already broken off the relationship. You can't get better when you're in the middle of awfulness

 

[Bird33]

@LuckiLee We have a lot of fun when we are together. We go on long hikes and talk the entire time, she has a great sense of humor. We do a lot of fun things together. I guess it’s the relationship I worry about bc of how it started. She has moved on from that but I seem to be stuck there.
Thanks for the luck. I am going to keep trying everyday.

 

[littleoc]

@LuckiLee We have a lot of fun when we are together. We go on long hikes and talk the...

I felt the same way. I'd have fun around this person. Then the old feelings would come right back

 

[Bird33]

@littleoc Thank you for listening. It’s nice to know someone else had a similar experience and was able to move on. It helps so much to be able to talk about it without judgement and with someone who understands it. My husband just doesn’t get it and I end up feeling badly when we talk about it. I feel more pathetic. He is trying but just really doesn’t get it. Frankly, I don’t get it! One day at a time.

 

[ms spock]

Has anyone else dealt with this?

This is regularly discussed, there are ton of threads on this forum that have asked and answered this question, and I have contributed quite a lot of times about this - it is really dangerous. It is unprofessional. The therapist is getting her/his needs met from you. This person should be made to explain before their professional body, potentially banned from being a therapist.

Yes this happened to me.

I totally get why you find it hard to walk away. Everyone in your situation finds that almost impossible! That is why those relationships are deemed unprofessional and dangerous.

Your husband is a smart man, and the reason he can't get it, is because you shouldn't be in this situation.

Two decades later I am starting to recover from what happened. It destroyed my life.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have abandonment struggles that stem from childhood abuse. The guy was a codependent fixer who promised me the world, and I was a sucker who fell for it. He had a history of codependency and fixing partners whereas that was my first dance at the rodeo so I had no idea how bad codependent people can be for those of us who have a mental illness. My mind believed that I’d crumble in a pile on the floor without him. I fawned for his love for months before everything blew up. I’m pissed as f*ck that I fell for his schtick as it’s going to take me awhile to heal. It WILL hurt like hell and you WILL want to go back, but you’ve gotta pull the plug. These emotional vampires don’t actually give a damn about us even though that’s how they present themselves. They are selfish. Period.

 

[ms spock]

I feel like I need this relationship. Do you understand? That I can’t survive without it. I felt that way in therapy with her and it has continued.

So you really need to take care of that part, you really need to step by step start to learn to love yourself and care for yourself. I totally get why you just can't walk away. I really do. That is why these types of relationships are so very dangerous.

At the beginning she told me everything in her life and honestly now I think I support her more in her stuff. I don’t really talk about my stuff anymore. I have a lot of friends and she did not. I talked about all this in therapy and she knew that I would do anything for my friends. My friends are very important to me bc when I was being abused as a kid I always felt so alone and never want to feel that way again.

So she basically used you, it is a form of emotional incestuousness. It is appalling.

I guess I am struggling bc I am so afraid to say something to mess it up. I worry I won’t be able to handle it if she leaves. So what do I do?

Well you work on it with your therapist as much as you are able to, you take it slowly and start to build up separate parts of yoru life from her, you start to give yourself self compassion (the Kristin Neff website might be useful) and you keep talking in threads like this until you can be grounded enough to take care of yourself.

The pain feels so immense and not survivable, but she is not one of your parents, and you will survive it, though it won't feel like for the longest time.

 

[Bird33]

@Disco Dancing Queen Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry this happened to you. It does help to hear everyone’s stories because it helps me to see what everyone means by the manipulation and what is exactly wrong. I feelnit is wrong but have a hard time seeing exactly what is wrong.
Can you tell me what happened to you? And then how and when you decided to get out?

@EveHarrington i’’m sorry this happened to you too. It is so helpful to hear your story bc it helps me to see what might be wrong in my relationship. May I ask how you finally realized you needed to get how and then how you did it.

@Disco Dancing Queen i am talking with my therapist now about it. And I feel strong in session and then when my ex therapist is texting me or we are hanging out I am weak again. I am working on it and I am much better than I was. I end up doubting myself and I think I am making it more of a big deal than it is.

 

[EveHarrington]

I struggled with it for awhile and then things came to a head where I knew I deserved to be treated better. I snapped and things kind of exploded. Of course he tried to turn it around play the “after all that I’ve done for you!” crap. Yeah, right, because it was all about him!

 

[blackemerald1]

@Bird33 - you have a new therapist who obviously knows what is happening and as you said in one of your responses, wants you to cut ties completely with this ex-therapist.

I thought when I started reading your posts that it may have been possible to taper off from this ex-therapist but now I don't think so. You are going to linger and long and suffer endlessly if you don't take your own new therapists advice, your husbands advice and obviously your other well balanced friends advice. They are there on the ground with you !

You did have a plan in place at one point. How is this going? You are concerned about feeling humiliated by your husband and other's who probably mean a great deal to you and possibly love you far more than your ex-therapist could ever love you. Your family and friends are your real future and probably they are sitting back wondering what they can do to help.

You have to make the decision to either pull out of this situation once and for all and ask these people to support you through this. Or, stay in this relationship and allow yourself to be a slave to this ex-therapist whims and woes. Both of these situations are going to be painful.

The staying in the 'relationship' will be ongoing and uncomfortably painful for who knows how long.

The other decision ...yes you may long for, or remember 'being that special person she chose' and I am sure there have been great moments you will remember for ever.. However, you will be remembering the past, be relieved your not in it anymore probably and have a professional relationship with a therapist who can help you heal from your childhood abuse and this ex-therapist and the problem she has developed into.

When you say this therapist says she loves you?? I don't get that... it sounds very weird really. She punishes you for going away (to France) without you. That's just creepy. She should have been celebrating your ability to maintain yourself and grow into a more whole and healthy person. Not punish you.

What type of 'love' is this therapist on about? I have friends (a couple) that may say to me they love me...from time to time. And that's ok..I know what and why they have said that to me, the context is correct. I've had lovers & partners who have said they loved me. My children tell me they love me. All have been in the context of the relationship. But never a doctor, psydoc or therapist...and I have seen a few. I have discussed the meaning of love with a psydoc from a mental health perspective and probably also with friends etc., It is a very big word @Bird33. Maybe I am old fashioned but I don't throw it around casually.

I keep reading your responses @Bird33 to those ppl here on the forum that have actually experienced this problem and successfully exited from their own situations. None have said it was easy or without pain. But all have said emphatically that they are glad they did get out and look back on that time as a learning curve that they don't want to have to experience again. I can understand why too.

May I suggest you take your husband to therapy with you? Would that help? He can possibly listen to your new therapist explain the hold this ex- therapist has on you and maybe why. Your husband sounds like a tolerant sort of person and may gladly assist you, when he understands how 'deep you are in'. Don't feel humiliated by this happening or feel exposed. He already knows you have a problem and you are suffering.

Emotional pain is very real @Bird33 - I have felt it. I hear you when you say it is hard. It is. I haven't ever had this attachment with a therapist but I have felt profound emotional pain and grief and yes..it's a huge deterrent to actually doing something.

You mentioned you are a professional person in your working life. You are also a mother and a wife. I am sure if 'someone' came into any of these sphere's and began manipulating dependency on your loved one's or those you are responsible for; you would be the first to step up and either stop it from happening or assist in ending it.

Allow your therapist, husband and friends to help you.