General Watching At The Cross Roads

[Nicolette]

While being a Supporter I sit at the cross roads with PTSD, being that I have PTS and been diagnosed with PTSD however the jury is out when it comes to Anthony - he thinks I'm close to the border of the "D" and I some days feel I fall over that edge. Especially when dealing with too much stress.

What I would like to share is my insight.

I think I get some of what PTSD is.

I have had the urges to run, isolate, take off & leave it all behind & NONE of it had anything to do with not loving or wanting to be with Anthony - I just couldn't stand the stress & my brain just took over the logic. It was hard not to act out the feelings & what brought me back would be the "I Love You" messages from Anthony even though I hadn't told him how I was feeling.

There are times I have been so angry but at the same time knowing what I was doing yet being unable to control "the horrid me". It doesn't make sense & it took an outsider to point out what was the root of my anger as I couldn't see it.

I get the pushing away and wanting to be left alone feeling like another word from someone would make my brain explode yet I still hate being on the receiving end of such reactions despite having some understanding.

Some days I have wanted to stop living....not die, or commit suicide, just being unable to digest any more of life. Its been a godsend to be able to express it to Anthony & just having him call me to show I am loved.

Must go as heading into an appointment....to be continued.

 

[Brontie]

Nicolette,

"I get the pushing away and wanting to be left alone feeling like another word from someone would make my brain explode yet I still hate being on the receiving end of such reactions despite having some understanding."


Oh my god! I've definitely been there. It can still happen today but not so much. For example, I went shopping with my sister on Thursday, to the hospital with my daughter on Friday, dinner on Saturday with my two sisters, shopping on Sunday again with the other sister, have an invite to a bar-b-q tonight and I just can't face it. It's too much. It might not sound like much but my head felt like it was going to explode. I know that in order to get a grip on things again, I have to step back and say "no thank you" just to get the chance to recharge my batteries.

It seems like the stuff we deal with, most of which is going on below the surface, is completely draining us on an unconscious level. And we don't realise we are running out of juice until we feel like we can't take much more. And it’s not just the pressure and stress of bad stuff that causes us to run out of juice.

Thankfully my family recognise the signs and manage to let me 'do it my way' or I will seriously explode at someone.


"Some days I have wanted to stop living....not die, or commit suicide, just being unable to digest any more of life. Its been a godsend to be able to express it to Anthony & just having him call me to show I am loved."


I deal with this too. I used to draw the curtains and bolt the door refusing to answer it to anyone. It used to scare the life out of me but I have some understanding now of my own capacity to deal with Life. And sometimes it just feel like I have a smaller brain that anyone else. I liken it to a computer, I can only take in so much before I Crash! I have learned to simplify my life and I try to go with the flow, taking things much easier and stepping back when I feel I have to.

In the past when things were pretty bad because of marital and parental pressures on top of everything else, hubby and I would exchange little cards; I would tell him I loved him and ask him to let me have some time to myself. Just remembering one of his cards has help me through many a bad spell - On the card he had written.... Fight it!!!

I hope this finds you feeling a little better.

 

[The Albatross]

I am planning a break and will have 5 days of solitude. It is creeping around in my mind that I can use the time for self care or self destruction. So I think that I'm going to use it as a dare. I have alot of the depressive aspect and feel at times under a microscope. I have taught my husband to be vigilant of my moods and that is a sad thing. I do though try to use the stress and pain as motivators for change.

Hang tough Nicolette, I can relate to a lot of what you are sharing.

 

[anni]

"Couldn't stand the stress and the brain took over the logic." That's awfully, awfully good, wow. Maybe the sort of basic statement on PTSD we should all have tattoed somewhere as a reminder. I've shut down at the moment- malignant, unsolvable family issues, avoiding a diagnosis, avoiding loss- much. Too long to get into but that covers so much, helps negate self blame somewhat without recourse to self-exculpatory nonsense. Have to take that with me today, in pen and paper in lieu of tattoo. Thank you, Nicolette.That and "Not being able to digest any more of life". Truth is comforting. I hope your own did as well for you today.

 

[amethist]

I too can relate to this, though I see it as so many people wanting a piece of me and leaving nothing for me to keep a hold of.

I don't have PTSD, but the do understand the feelings of anger, wanting to isolate, needing time away from anyone and everything, maybe even life itself at times too. Wanting it all to go away, just for a short time, so we can live a normal life again.

I look at the anger, and not being able to control it, yet knowing how wrong it is, like the times many years ago, when my PMT was out of control, was angry and at times down right evil, but could not control it then. All that took to put it right was a course of hormone medication. If only PTSD was that simple.

Those few words of "Thank you for being here, and I do love you", can sometimes make all the difference.

 

[intothelight]

........and I some days feel I fall over that edge. Especially when dealing with too much stress.....

I have had the urges to run, isolate, take off & leave it all behind & NONE of it had anything to do with not loving or wanting to be with Anthony - I just couldn't stand the stress & my brain just took over the logic.

Nicolette,

You nailed the problem, "stress" and you also have the solution, which is basically to take some time away.

I have my own business to run, children, and the day-to-day responsibilities of a household, and quite frankly just those things; regardless of PTSD, are enough to overload anyone. Everyone needs a break, and even more so if PTS or PTSD. To keep pushing on just makes things worse, even though it is hard (or for me sometimes impossible) to fathom taking time off.

I recently did take some time off and it was real time away from everything, including the internet and the phone. I can't express how renewed I feel, but I don't think in the nine months I have been here I have ever had a really positive "mood thingy".

If it all possible, and really if it doesn't seem possible, allow yourself to "run away" for a while. Its been the best "therapy" I have had in a long time, and it was a lot of fun.

Deb

 

[Nicolette]

I recently did take some time off and it was real time away from everything, including the internet and the phone.

You make some valid points Deb and Saturday used to be "our" computer/telephone free day.......now its a forced study day which I resent yet know I have to do.

I had started to try and wean myself off some of my medication to see how I am going but have decided that I will now do that after I have finished studying as right now I not only feel stressed out to the eyeballs I feel like a ball of anger.

After the last 24 hours I can understand how Anthony hates having someone working at home for me 5 days a week as I just wanted last night off away from people (except for him) and instead I felt invaded and ripped off from "our time" and my rest time was a stress time instead. :(

 

[intothelight]

Hi Nicolette,

I just noticed the words "forced study", "invasion" and "ripped off" and I have those same thoughts when my stress levels are too high, and I feel like I have no control. (I do not handle loss of control well at all :oops: That sensation hits too close to what I experienced with my mother and my ex.)

Please find what you need to do to get some balance back and relieve the stress levels. It is hard when your juggling your own business, studies, and a family, but it really isn't worth your health.

Deb

 

[anni]

That aspect hadn't occured to me and it must be awfully stressful! I'm having to 'ramp up' at the moment just to have people in the home temporarily, it must feel dreadful to have someone there SO often, however needed for work or hpwever nice they might be personally.

I don't suppose it would work with your occupation, but I've only just found out my husband employs a PTSD sufferer ( why he doesn't mention this stuff earlier I do not know! :) ) for part time IT trouble-shooting who plugs in to their lab and completes projects from his home. I guess he'd be on full disability otherwise and doesn't wish to be. At any rate, just thinking if there were a way for your employee to be entrusted with some work to be done elsewhere it could provide some prescious alone time for you, that's all. I do realize it's just not possible with some professions.

I hope you're feeling less shredded today, and do please take care.