Ways to combat shame

[Sideways]

I've earned my shame.

Wowsers. That’s exactly how it feels.

Cue my T chiming in with, “Your abuser is the one who’s earned it, right...?”

 

[ms spock]

Good point @Friday and same for me as well @mumstheword.

I eat a lot of my shame.

 

[mumstheword]

Good point @Friday and same for me as well @mumstheword[/USER...

I'm an eater of shame too, which has the effect of giving me (in MY mind anyway) just cause for shameful feelings. It's a constant thing. Even when I've been a good, balanced and healthy or small amounts eater, I've found a way to create "justifiable" shame; Body dysmorphia or perfectionism about my body. But now that I'm 20kg's or so overweight, I constantly tell myself my shame is valid, deserved and necessary. "See?" I say to myself, "proof! Look at this disgustingness!"

I know, intellectually, that I'm backwards justifying the shame that abusers have instilled in me, but I've been doing this for soooo long, it just feels like a rusted tap that hasn't been turned on for so so long that it's stuck, even though it's designed to turn, the bloody thing is frozen shut from so little use.

Turning the tap on is going to take a momentous effort; is what I'm thinking.

 

[ms spock]

I am thinking of what strategies I can use next as well @mumstheword I am also substantially overweight I think about 15 or so kilos it does go up and down. I have found out that a momentous effort just triggers off more shame eating, so I stopped trying to diet and I stopped putting the weight in. For me teeny tiny incremental steps that I do every day works much better than trying to wrangle with these things head on, because I just make myself so much worse.

So I am heading back to looking at Self Compassion on Kristin Neff's website. I am doing Self Compassion Breaks and telling myself it is quite normal for someone with my traumas to have disordered eating and to feel so much shame, that millions of abused women around the world struggle with what I am struggling with. I am busting down a few distorted cognitions every day. I have done so much work, it kind of seems unfair that I have to do more, and food was my comfort, my family, my one way that I could feel alive and not be punished - I was allowed to taste food. Food helped me survive horrendous abuses from multiple people in my family. So food and overeating is a really constant companion, and for years I didn't see it as a problem because that is what I have done since I was very, very small child.

I don't have the answers. I have thought of starting a thread on disordered eating, but I haven't yet.

Of course I post this and then desperately want to eat.

One thing that I am doing is to try and do some fun things, so I get some comfort or care from someone else.

I did binge eat and comfort eat this morning, so this is a real work in progress for me.

I have little bits of progress, and then lots of backsliding.

I move into a safe house on Monday, so hopefully that will have an impact on my state of mind.

 

[mumstheword]

My eating had been out of control lately, after numerous low cal bouts and low carb eating this year, so I relate to what you're saying. I've also been hitting the bottle a bit, but I'm on third day of zero drink now and my resolve is strong.

Moving back to where I had major abuse and trauma has just made it harder, as has living in social housing, surrounded by abusive parents, alcoholics, ice dealers and DV households, so triggery, constantly.

I did really well when I lived in the town over and my strategy of getting a uni room will surely help.

I think a thread is a good idea, I'd certain share and I think the peer support helps with the shame side of it.

Thanks for starting this one.

 

[ms spock]

Moving back to where I had major abuse and trauma has just made it harder, as has living in social housing, surrounded by abusive parents, alcoholics, ice dealers and DV households, so triggery, constantly.

Living in social housing is worse than ... well most things.

 

[Ronin]

I tend to feel ashamed over not being able to fix situations, and guilty for them arising in the first place & /then/ continuing, so not seeing it changing any time soon.

It's such a spiral of assumed wrong / did wrong / being wrong / can't un-be wrong.

 

[ms spock]

The constant Self Compassion Breaks that I need to do, and the constantly breaking down bits of my distorted thinking/cognitions, it is time consuming, but so well worth it. It is hard because the instrusive shame keeps bursting through.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm getting a lot of very encouraging and lovely feedback these days and it has been a revelation that people actually like me and think I'm genuinely decent and lovable but I keep waiting for more rejection. Like here. I'm thinking everyone thinks I'm awful, despicable, too much, too full of myself, unacceptable, not worthy of any care or response; totally cognitively distorted. I feel so vulnerable, particularly as I've been baring some painful and ugly bits of me. So triggered from sharing really hard stuff today. Feeling full of shame and grief and that I'm just so yuck.

 

[ms spock]

I feel the same things @mumstheword you are definitely not alone with all those feelings, and I totally engage in all those distorted cognitions.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks.

Reserved some books at the library.

Had my shame pointed out to me today.

Not sure why I hold on to it so tightly?

Defense mechanism I'm guessing.

 

[Freida]

that people actually like me and think I'm genuinely decent and lovable

well duh.. I've been saying that all along. :hug: