We Become What Our Parents Want Us To Be C-ptsd

[Chava]

Thanks @Ms Spock for all your thoughts. I still don't agree with any that sound like simplification because I simplified things, took care of myself (badly) for years and imagined nothing effected me very deeply. I was running my own show. Then things got physically bad and lots of gruesome nightmares. So, to make a long story short, among the best adult decisions I have made was recognizing I needed some help and finding an appropriate therapist. The child in me thought she had it figured out and was perfectly free from her past. The adult in me is in therapy.

 

[ms spock]

My therapist helps me work on becoming aware of choices. Part of it is that awareness, but also learning skills I never had before...like calming or soothing without self-destructing in some way (self harm, or even starving is soothing after a while because it subdues everything). So choices is about behaviors we already know or have learned, in many cases...and it usually requires some practice or new feedback loops to make the really good choices feel "good."

This is fantastic awareness and great strategies @Chava, so you are doing it. That is impressive.

I'm still bad at taking helpful action during major meltdowns, but at least I reach out and am beginning to understand that my moments when I feel extremely immobilized are more like a longstanding freeze response...so finding ways to move beyond that, usually by becoming aware of different impulses or needs, separating them, and trying to respond.

It's like major science if basic needs for safety, nurturance, etc weren't initially met...hard to even recognize and feels complicated to a pretty embarrassing degree.

Oh yes I get this, but you are changing it. You are doing the work, which is so good.

So often having a normal human need has just made me feel ashamed and often really crazy because that was probably roughly how I've felt forever.

Oh yes I get this. I was never taught to ask for anything but constantly manipulated. It is most humbling as an adult to look at your own manipulative behaviours, when you really didn't realise what you were doing, and now it is very embarrassing, but so much freedom will come from that in the end, (well I am hoping anyway.)

... develop that awareness. Therapy helps.

And you are doing it, so very brave in my book.

 

[ms spock]

I still don't agree with any that sound like simplification because I simplified things, took care of myself (badly) for years and imagined nothing effected me very deeply.

I think we both are using simplification to mean very different things. You used simplification to use a form of avoidance, freeze and whatever you were using to repress things.

I am using simplification in a different way. I have suffered and there are things I can do, which broken down to it's simplest form mean I am challenging all those nuances that you are exploring at the moment. We are not quite on the same page with the ways we are using language and concepts, but that is okay.

I was running my own show.

You used your simplest maladjusted coping mechanisms to stay alive. They weren't the best but they got you through alive.

Then things got physically bad and lots of gruesome nightmares. So, to make a long story short, among the best adult decisions I have made was recognizing I needed some help and finding an appropriate therapist. The child in me thought she had it figured out. The adult in me is in therapy.

I think you have it worked out for yourself. I wish I had understood what you understand years ago, but I can be quietly proud of what you are achieving and be inspired myself.

Thanks for clarifying and discussing this with me.

 

[Chava]

I should have been in therapy years ago, but couldn't talk. And then just couldn't handle feeling further messed up. Now I am in therapy and not ashamed that I need it. I'm finally taking care of me.

 

[ms spock]

It sort of beat me down further into this non-existence I felt. Sounds idiotic, but numbed out and void was a way of "existing" because it wasn't as painful and confusing.

That is not weird at all. I lived there for a very long time.

 

[ms spock]

And this is how we lose our options for boundaries without even knowing it. It is no wonder people take advantage of us, don't understand us

It does make dealing with other people very hard and challenging when you don't know where you begin and end, and where they begin and end. I have so much confusion at times.

 

[ms spock]

I'm finally taking care of me.

:D:cool::D

 

[ms spock]

Thanks @Ms Spock for all your thoughts.

You are most welcome Chava. I don't often post in such detail as I don't have the time.

I do admire your gracious acceptance, and polite disagreement with my thoughts. Great to chat with you!

We don't have to agree, and it is not the end of the world, like it was in our families. Here we can agree to disagree, or even disagree to disagree if we want and we will be okay. So this is a good practice of certain skills.

You have found your own path. I am pleased to see this. I wish you well on your path.

 

[ms spock]

One of the things that bothers me the most about myself is that there seem to be blank spots in my "road map of reality". There's a lot of stuff that other people seem to just get that goes right past me. A few years ago, when I was arguing with a friend about whether or not I deserved the compliment he was trying to give me, he got frustrated and said, "The appropriate thing to do when someone gives you a compliment is say 'Thank you" then shut up!" I was stunned! I mean REALLY???? Who knew? Well, obviously HE did! LOL

:D:eek::p:cool:;):)
Fantastic scout86!

So good to know these things.

I decided I should just quit pretending I was operating with the same play book as the rest of the world and start keeping track of these insightful little gems. That was the first item on my list. Another time, this same friend was having an issue with his wife. She had made a mistake and was trying to deflect responsibility. He was being totally rational, not mean. She started in with "I'm so stupid, I can't ever do anything right......." Where I come from, that's a "game" where you are then supposed to set about reassuring the party that they aren't dumb, it's not their fault (even if it is) etc. He looked at her and said, "Don't go down that road with me." I was STUNNED! "You can DO that??" I had no idea you could refuse to play that stupid, pointless game. I HATE that game! How cool is that?

That is very cool! Tremendously cool! :laugh::rolleyes::p:rolleyes::laugh:

There was a situation awhile back where I had been invited to something I didn't want to go to. I was telling me T about it, because I was worried about having to go to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, but I really didn't want to go. He said, "Don't go. All you have to do is say that you have something else to do that day & time." I said I didn't want to lie... He said, "You DO have something else to do, what ever you WANT to do." (I can do that?) I asked what if they want to know what I'm doing? Then I have to make something up! He said that wasn't the case. First, probably no one will ask. If they do ask, there are plenty of polite ways to say "None of your business." Third item on the list!

Yays!

"Stop" is going to be item #4!

:geek::rolleyes::eek::p:D:cool::);)

My T says I shouldn't let this lack of information bother me. That, if I didn't get the chance to learn it as a kid, which I obviously didn't, then all I can do it try to learn it now. I guess.....

Me too @scout86! Me too!

 

[ms spock]

my stuff always comes back to those very early basic needs and my inability to organize this stuff within myself or feel connected.

It is a great challenge @Chava. I so understand this. I really do.

 

[RussH]

This is a most excellent thread. The imput that all of you have written is very good and insightful.

 

[JustBe]

I read you and I nod with acknowledgement and understanding. But I do it to myself now. I took on my parents/abusers ideas and as @shell once said I am relentless.

Me too. My mother has aged and mellowed. Her demons have faded away. She no longer projects her unhappiness onto me but the voice in my head persists, relentlessly beating me down. My mother's voice has become my own and fighting it is exhausting.