Gloria
Diamond Member
I have friends that are single and really want a relationship and I will just chime and complain about how miserable I am being alone. But recently I realized that I wear a ring that could easily be seen as a wedding ring on my ring finger. I do have men that have been trying for years to get close to me but I don't even acknowledge them. Instead, I focus on how alone I am.
I took the ring off the other day and wouldn't you know it? I started to have men flirt with me. So I put the ring back on! I started to think about the times that I was suicidal. It was always after I lost someone close to me. When my sister died, I wanted to die. After a breakup or divorce, I would entertain suicidal thoughts. The worst one was when I was young and I dated a man for three years and we got engaged. Then on my wedding day, he stood me up. I was so devastated. I was hurt. I was humilated because no one wanted me to marry him and I defended him. All my dreams were shattered. I think that this incident tirggered my decision to that I would never get involved with a man unless he was willing to marry me. I didn't want to get hurt again. Well, it seems that it is very easy to convince a man to marry you but not so easy to make him act like a married man. Even when a man marries you, it doesn't mean you will live happily ever after.
This may sound crazy but if I meet a man and I don't really like him, I am very confidant and secure and I can date him, marry him, whatever, because I don't really love him. But when I have someone that I really love it's too scary and I put up a wall and don't let them in. I had a very good relationship with my dear husband, Paul, who passed away. My sons have his picture on their car visor and I have a picture of him in my wallet even though he has been dead for many years. I loved him. I felt safe with him but even he left me.
There is a man who has been pursuing me for two years but I don't want to get involved with him because I think he's too old and he will die soon. I spoke with him about my concerns and he told me that he doesn't have children and if I married him I would inherit his estate. He's very wealthy! But it isn't worth it if he's going to die. I am not in love with him now but if I married him, I would probably fall in love. I don't know if I don't allow myself to have feelings for him or because he is too old and I don't feel attracted to him. My father (who abused me) was very old and I don't know if that's why I'm not attracted to him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't want to have anyone else die. I know that there will be more people that are going to die and I try to brace myself, distance myself and cope with it. When my animals start to get very old, I do the same thing. I don't want to look at them. It's painful to pet them and hold them because I know that I am being cruel and that I should put them to sleep so they will be out of their misery.
Well, knowledge is power. No matter how much I complain about not having someone in my life, it is really me that is preventing this from happening. Now, that I am opening up about my trauma and more in touch with myself, perhaps I can communicate better and be open about what I need to feel safe in a relationship. I never realized that I was putting up walls until recently. Doesn't that make sense???!! Marry men that you don't like but avoid the ones that you could become attached to? I'm afraid that I am a jinx that anyone that I love will die - my brother, my sister, my husband. All the people that I truly loved died suddenly.
I'm sure that there are other people on this forum that may put up walls also and I'm sure that we sabotage our relationships. We have been hurt and we test people and I think it is very hard for some people to trust.
I took the ring off the other day and wouldn't you know it? I started to have men flirt with me. So I put the ring back on! I started to think about the times that I was suicidal. It was always after I lost someone close to me. When my sister died, I wanted to die. After a breakup or divorce, I would entertain suicidal thoughts. The worst one was when I was young and I dated a man for three years and we got engaged. Then on my wedding day, he stood me up. I was so devastated. I was hurt. I was humilated because no one wanted me to marry him and I defended him. All my dreams were shattered. I think that this incident tirggered my decision to that I would never get involved with a man unless he was willing to marry me. I didn't want to get hurt again. Well, it seems that it is very easy to convince a man to marry you but not so easy to make him act like a married man. Even when a man marries you, it doesn't mean you will live happily ever after.
This may sound crazy but if I meet a man and I don't really like him, I am very confidant and secure and I can date him, marry him, whatever, because I don't really love him. But when I have someone that I really love it's too scary and I put up a wall and don't let them in. I had a very good relationship with my dear husband, Paul, who passed away. My sons have his picture on their car visor and I have a picture of him in my wallet even though he has been dead for many years. I loved him. I felt safe with him but even he left me.
There is a man who has been pursuing me for two years but I don't want to get involved with him because I think he's too old and he will die soon. I spoke with him about my concerns and he told me that he doesn't have children and if I married him I would inherit his estate. He's very wealthy! But it isn't worth it if he's going to die. I am not in love with him now but if I married him, I would probably fall in love. I don't know if I don't allow myself to have feelings for him or because he is too old and I don't feel attracted to him. My father (who abused me) was very old and I don't know if that's why I'm not attracted to him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't want to have anyone else die. I know that there will be more people that are going to die and I try to brace myself, distance myself and cope with it. When my animals start to get very old, I do the same thing. I don't want to look at them. It's painful to pet them and hold them because I know that I am being cruel and that I should put them to sleep so they will be out of their misery.
Well, knowledge is power. No matter how much I complain about not having someone in my life, it is really me that is preventing this from happening. Now, that I am opening up about my trauma and more in touch with myself, perhaps I can communicate better and be open about what I need to feel safe in a relationship. I never realized that I was putting up walls until recently. Doesn't that make sense???!! Marry men that you don't like but avoid the ones that you could become attached to? I'm afraid that I am a jinx that anyone that I love will die - my brother, my sister, my husband. All the people that I truly loved died suddenly.
I'm sure that there are other people on this forum that may put up walls also and I'm sure that we sabotage our relationships. We have been hurt and we test people and I think it is very hard for some people to trust.
