Weird problem: My Dissociation is Broken

[OceanSpray]

Therapy isn’t until tomorrow, I’ve had a mentally weird/frustrating/not great few days, AND I’m doing a 4+ hour road trip by myself today.

It’s the perfect time to zone out into daydreams which are my typical version of dissociating. It’s not the best coping mechanism but there is something about it that feels good. Mainly because getting lost in some other world is far better than staying in this one.

Except that’s what’s happening. I can’t turn off. Everything is so present and vibrant and here and the dream world is extremely muted.

I can’t do 4 hours of this reality business. WTF is wrong with me? Is this progress? All the whole feel your feelings, don’t tune them out business? Cause, sure, I’ll play along in session but I don’t want this. This is too noisy, too uncomfortable, too much.

 

[arfie]

I can’t do 4 hours of this reality business. WTF is wrong with me? Is this progress?

ah, reality. . . that confusing time between naps often makes me wonder why i gave up lala land. then i remember the nightmares, instability, etc., etc. where's my perfect life? at present, i am working to believe that this uncomfortable new awareness really is progress and not a frightening new signal of yet something else wrong with me. healing happens. hope it happens here.

 

[Friday]

Everything is temporary.

 

[Friday]

This is too noisy, too uncomfortable, too much.

How did things go?

 

[OceanSpray]

How did things go?

Kinda miserable, kinda okay lol. Wasn’t able to ever really zone out and so it was a very long drive of all kinds of recent feelings and things coming up that I had to actually sit there and feel out. Which ultimately was good I guess, the therapist was happy about it lol. It was extremely uncomfortable though. But I do think it’s part of the progress I’ve been making overall to get more in touch with my feelings.

 

[BlackBearFamily]

It’s the perfect time to zone out into daydreams which are my typical version of dissociating. It’s not the best coping mechanism but there is something about it that feels good. Mainly because getting lost in some other world is far better than staying in this one.

Yup. Deep, vibrant daydreams are my favorite dissociative 'trick.' I have running daydreams that I can pick up at any time of the day or night. It's sort of like turning on a TV set and watching my favorite show. Some of mine go all the way back to childhood.

 

[hypervigilant]

What a relief to hear I'm not the only one. I miss my make believe world but I just can't zone in like I used to. It used to be so easy to slide right into but now it's so unreachable.

 

[thursday]

This was the reason for me to go back to therapy. Not being able to go into my secret world. The other dimension. I began to hear every kind of sound. Couldn't go into a shop. Had to stop work. I verbally attacked people on the street. I'm still in the middle of it. I have a nc headphone, but its not useful in a supermarket. Starting emdr next week. I'm avoiding places and am afraid to get a meltdown. I feel like a crippled.

 

[hypervigilant]

Welcome Thursday. It does get easier. The headphone idea is good. When the world is loud and scary and overwhelming I sing or hum. I'm a little less hermit now but I still hate big noisy places like supermarkets. I feel you.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Oh I thought I was the only one who's trying to avoid reality altogether, I'm not even exaggerating, it's hard for me to come to terms with what happened and life in general seems too overwhelming.

I have fight freeze response so my brain naturally dissociates nearly all the time and I've read somewhere it can produce chemicals similar to opiates which is why malaptive daydreaming is so addictive.

Definitely not a healthy way to deal with it long-term tho, the days pass very quickly and can't really live life to the fullest in this state.

 

[Sideways]

I have fight freeze response so my brain naturally dissociates nearly all the time and I've read somewhere it can produce chemicals similar to opiates which is why malaptive daydreaming is so addictive.

Freeze and dissociation are subtly different. I have a dissociative disorder, and experience dissociation a lot of different ways to varying degrees, but freeze (for me) is much less common.

Freeze is temporary, typically momentary. The big tell-tale difference for me is the blankness of my brain. Not quite as freaky weird as flop, freeze tends to being on a blank brain, no thoughts. Complete blank, other than the thing that has triggered the response. Inside our brains, vast areas that we usually use to think (like our frontal lobe) are switched off.

Dissociation, on the other hand (which includes daydreaming, and maladaptive daydreaming) can be a zone-out experience. But it can also feature quite a lot of brain activity, all over the place, much closer to what you’d see normally.

While experiencing freeze means a person probably needs to get their stress levels down (and some separation from the trigger), experiencing dissociation usually calls for grounding. Those 2 management strategies may be similar for an individual, but they may also be completely different.

 

[GiantSquid]

Last spring I lost my ability to dissociate after trauma therapy had processed to a point where I no longer had different parts. I had no DID diagnosis, but some features of split personality. Previously I had been able to dissociate when I found a situation too unbearable. I found the change rather distressing and I missed dissociation as a tool. I feel I'm less efficient without it. Learning to get through difficult times and situations without dissociation has been unpleasant for me, but my therapist is thrilled and views it as an important part of healing.