Sexual Assault Weird shit I do because of PTSD...is this normal?

[Lalala]

Anyway, I do some weird stuff around this whole thing and I want to know if anyone else does these things. Firstly, I was raped and have had a few other assaults.
So anyway this is what I do, that's a bit … weird:

-Often I need to shield my butt to feel like it's not happening. Which can be pretty weird. With a book, my arm, the wall, and even a street pole at times when waiting for the bus or something.
-When I talk about it, or anything, I laugh. I don't think it's funny or anything, but I laugh, grin widely, exc... It's because I'm really uncomfortable and everything...but still.
-Sometimes I stick tape on my mouth… with stuff written on it like "forever silenced", "dead inside", "dying" or "asking for it"... because it makes me feel worse.
-speaking of that, half of the time, to hurt myself more, I try to feel shit in those terms: I listen on repeat to stuff like "daddy" by Korn, "rape me" by nirvana, or "bleed for you" by Hidden in Plain View (essentially songs about sexual violence). But soon enough it gets to real and I shutdown and avoid all of it to a great extent.
-I have those really sensitive spots, that if you touch them, you feel like your in a few ways back there.
-I have a really strict search filter. Anything remotely, ever so remotely related, is filtered out.
-I draw drawings of rape pretty often...not talking about the act, more like the pain and everything
-At night at times, I pretend that someone is trying to rape me so I can feel like utter f*cking shit.
-I write stuff like "whore", "waste" on myself…. I even have cut the phrases "raped and abused" and "NO" on myself. cringy AF I know.
-My rapist wore a light blue shirt. I feel sick when I see that shade.
- when someone touches elements that were involved in my traumas, I feel like I'm losing my mind
- I feel tingles and pain where stuff happened very very often
-it's impossible to look up anything linked without feeling like shitting myself…..
-I talk about rape, assault and sexual abuse a lot. Not about my stuff, but about that. I don't think a day goes by without me mentioning anything to do with it.
-I'm barely legal (turned 18 two weeks ago?) and when I was underage, I had a lot of sex with creepy dirty 3-4 decades older strangers to numb my self out and feel even more abused and wasted. Most of them were jerks, refused to wear condoms and did what they wanted. Very weird. Anyway, I don't know myself without feeling like that.
-I sometimes use tape or my hands and try to scream with that on to see if people would have been able to hear me if I had screamed. I can say, for the moment, they wouldn't have.
-I have a word page dedicated to analyzing the potential motives of my rapists and molesters. They were all strangers, I tried to search them up and play detective (that felt legit), but that got to real.

Yea, I think that's pretty much it…. I know I'm INSANE.

 

[Friday]

It all sounds pretty normal, actually.

Healthy? Eh... Ish for some... theres a whole lot of processing & (taking back / learning) control up there, that could become truly healthy given a small nudge here & there, or join the rest of the seriously unhealthy parts ...in completely f*cking up your life.

The ish bits? It’s like pouring alcohol on a cut. Yep. It’s sterilising it. It also hurts like f*ck. And to keep doing it, causing more damage (instead of helping it heal) & a lot of unnecessary pain... when there are ways to sterilise the cut without the pain or causing damage? Again, like I said, just a few small nudges here and there and your life would only be about a zillion times better.

One of those “it’s pretty normal for a broken bone to be in 2 or more pieces” things, and normal for it to be causing a tremendous amount of pain... the question is, do you want to set the bone, or just keep poking at it, reaffirming that the bone is -in fact- in need of being set, and still hurts if you poke it?

I know I’m mixin my metaphors a bit... pouring alcohol in a cut, poking a broken bone... one of the reasons for that is that this shit gets complicated. The actions themselves may SEEM nuts, but actually be beneficial... if you don’t just keep doing it over and over, stuck, but move on to the next step.

You’ve clearly still got a lot of fight left in you, which is a good thing, but you’d get more traction directing it differently.

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain right now and this is how you express it.

Can you see a theryto help you with through it all?

 

[Emotional girl]

To me it sounds like your way of dealing with what happened to you.
We all deal with trauma in a different ways.Some of us internalise our feelings whilst others externalise how they are feeling.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I’ve done quite a few of those, I think they’re all a pretty normal reaction to that kind of trauma. Laughing when mentioning trauma is a coping mechanism. I thought I was bonkers, why am I laughing talking about the worst thing that happened to me? I did it for the first year I was doing trauma therapy around rapes/ the abuse. My therapist said it was normal for trauma.

Therapy can help so so much. It does get better, I know that’s cliche but it really does with the right help and support. It may take a long time but it’s possible. I wish you the best in your journey!

 

[AllisonStern]

I was reading your post and got to the point about listening to songs about sexual violence over and over and flashed back to listening to "Rape Me" by Nirvana on repeat when I got the police report back from my rape. Your post is super relateable. It's comforting knowing I'm not alone in these reactions.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Can't write now because I'm half-way in freeze mode right now(unrelated), but I will write tomorrow. Just wanted to say some of what you said I can relate to A LOT. I think we all have these weird after-reactions to trauma and we're not as alone in them as we think. But they make us feel crazy and abnormal. So just wanted to say- you're not. Something (traumatic) abnormal happened to you so having abnormal reactions to abnormal situation is kind of normal, if you see what I mean.
Anyway, I will stop by tomorrow and share some of mine. Just know you're not alone.

 

[Paul-]

Both of your posts begin by stating that you were raped and in one you question whether you should feel guilty/ashamed whilst the other post mentions the assaults.
You mention that you do 'weird stuff' but in all fairness it is very common in this day and age for people to do weird stuff. As a matter of fact, there is the question.....What is weird?...What is normal?.....
You talk about the need to 'shield your butt' to feel like it's not happening. This is because you are feeling paranoid about your safety and need to protect yourself.
This action is very similar to feeling frightened in the middle of the night and pulling the duvet/bed covers over your head or putting on a 'night light'. This is a form of psychological comfort in order to keep you safe.
Are we all paranoid? Do we feel safe? We are part of a society that forever feels vulnerable, whatever we do.
People laugh about tragic situations because - deep inside - people feel frightened and find that joking/laughter is a way of dealing with the subject. Tragedies such as illness, death and crime open our minds to the reality of how fragile life is. Laughter helps to mask that fear.
Your laughter can be a way of 'glazing over' the real hurt/fear that you feel inside.
Sticking the tape over your mouth could be your way of physically fighting those inner demons which are fighting hard to come to the surface.
You may also be asking yourself. How long can I hold my emotions inside?
You write words on this tape such as 'forever silenced', 'dead inside', 'dying' and 'asking for it'.....You are trying to express those deep emotions from within.
One way you could express yourself is by drawing these feelings as an expressive art. Drawing pictures with the tape and words will be more expressive, creative, visual and safer.
You may find this will help you release your inner emotions in a more positive energetic way.
On the subject of the music. The question is about what you really want to listen to and whether or not you want the music to 'take you back there'.
With therapy, you could learn to listen to whatever music you desire without having to experience the traumas associated with it.
You are constantly fighting to bury your demons like a builder desperately trying to bury damaged pipework and rubble in the hope that the finished job will look good.
The damage is still there and no amount of covering will prevent further damage occurring underneath and eventually rising to the surface.
We often treat our minds the same way. We try hard to glaze over or bury our negative emotions and tell the world we are OK. However, our inner demons keep bringing back the 'bad stuff' to the surface and it always gets harder until we seek help.
When lying awake at night, your extreme thoughts will often come alive and be more vivid. This can be all the feelings related to your past life events.
One way to deal with this again is to draw down what you are experiencing when these thoughts come alive. Expression of you emotions in a visual, creative way may help you to come to terms with your past.
You seem to be a person who does not express emotion/feelings in an outward way so drawing and writing may come into force here when dealing with those inner feelings.
Although it is difficult to discuss issues with a counsellor/therapist, they are trained to deal with various traumatic situations such as yours.
You feel so bad about yourself that you need to cut the words in order to release the emotions that you have buried so deep.
Writing a 'journal' about your feelings may help you in your therapy and will help you to face what you have written. Writing this down may help you to express your inner emotions and deal with the buried trauma.
Your post goes on about some very serious events in your life which would have a long-term effect on a young person such as yourself. There may be ways of exploring how you can deal with these events through therapy.
You have dedicated a page in order to analyse the motives of the people that abused you. They were strangers. People who just moved on and didn't look at the troubled person left behind.
Sadly. When they were done with you. They walked away. Did they see the troubled young person left behind? Did they feel any shame themselves?
The time has come for you to tell yourself that you do not have to feel bad about yourself. You do not have to punish yourself.
You are in a dilemma about the guilt you should feel regarding the recent rape. This is a difficult situation for you and you could discuss this in therapy. It will be a start.
You may want to seek medical advice in case of any injury or sexually transmitted diseases. This does seem daunting but it would be for your safety.
You also need to understand that you are not to blame for this rape or the other encounters.
Your local police station can advise you regarding the reporting of this rape and your counsellor/therapist will be able to help you get in touch with a victim support service.
Try researching what support could be available so you can seek help/advice. There should be victim support services near where you live. Even your local doctor/nurse/health centre will be able to help.
The above help can be available even if you choose not to report the rape at this stage. You can also receive advice about reporting it and also dealing with the trauma.
The police and support services can give advice about what is involved in reporting sexual assault through specially trained advisors.
Whether or not you choose to report your recent rape is your choice.
Emotional support will help you to deal with this.
Although you may be questioning how you should feel, it is important to understand that this is not your fault.
There is also the issue of moving forward with your life and asking yourself what you want to do as you progress with your treatment. Your past does contain a lot of traumatic experiences that are already having a great impact on your life.
The time has come to accept that your traumatic life experiences can now be a part of shaping (rather than defining) your future. It will take a long time and a lot of work. However. You can move forward.

 

[pamcoco]

-I talk about rape, assault and sexual abuse a lot. Not about my stuff, but about that. I don't think a day goes by without me mentioning anything to do with it.

This is me times a hundred. Any attempt to stop myself, useless, any discomfort by the recipient, only intensifies the details I give. I sometimes relish the squirming and desire to flee.

It's a complicated issue for me, involving mania induced by my meds, fear of abandonment, fear of not being abandoned, anger about others denial, anger at my own denial, envy of rose colored glasses long broken.

I get it. It has dissipated a bit with time, slower than I would like. But it calls me to action, informs others about all kinds of things they may never have known. I like to think that one day my over sharing will keep one woman safe, avoiding the trauma that rocked my world.

Insane is sane in some situations.

 

[Fadeaway]

Normal. Don't let your disturbing thoughts make you feel like there is something wrong with you. I was once ashamed of some of the things you mention, but it's very common for survivors.