Relationship Well, That Didn't Go Well

[Snowangel1225]

L has been isolating for over 3 weeks now. He will occasionally text saying how depressed and overwhelmed he is and that he is "in a dark place" and doesn't want me to see him like this. On Sat he texted that it was taking all he had not to jump off the roof. I replied with the VA Crisis Line number, two suicide hotlines and the number of two former Marines who had put out there that they would talk to anyone who needed to talk. His response was "I was just joking. Sorry".

At that point, I had two choices. 1.) Believe him that he was joking and do nothing. Which would mean ignoring his history of depression, suicidal thoughts and literally drinking himself to death about a year ago or 2.) Doing something.

I chose #2. At the advice of someone on another PTSD group I looked through his FB friends list to try and find Battle Buddies that might be able to get through to him. I sent emails to two people that looked like they had been in the Marines with him and his former pastor. Lucky for me (?) one of them was his Commanding Officer...someone who he is conditioned to listen to. He has been in contact with L and also contacted at least two others that L was tight with to contact him too.

Last night L figured out why all of a sudden his email and phone has been going crazy with people he hadn't talked to in years and he is furious with me. He said I had no right to contact these people and I have embarrassed him to the only people he cares about. He wants nothing to do with me and says he is done.

I knew it was a risk and I knew he would be mad. I know it was the right thing to do and the guys I have contacted have thanked me for helping him. It doesn't make it any less hurtful to having him raging at me and saying hurtful things though. Things haven't always been perfect with us and we have struggled, but he has never said mean things to me before. I thought I had prepared myself for this, but apparently I didn't. I just try to keep reminding myself that him being mad is better than him being depressed. At least now he has a focus for his feelings other than himself.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I should add, at this point I have decided to step back. Anything I do or say will only aggravate him more. I did respond to him last night after his first angry text that I was losing him anyway and I would rather lose him because he was angry with me than some other way.

 

[memory]

Sounds like something I went through with a friend a couple of years ago. After getting emails saying how depressed and wanting to end everything I couldn't get ahold of him for days. I called his sister to have her check on him since I didn't live close by. Wow... he went into fit. All I could say was "sorry I cared too much". With that I walked away for good.

 

[Reds]

I understand why he is angry and I also understand why you did what you did. I think giving him space to come back to his senses is the best thing you can do right now. What you did shows you care about him and when he comes back to his senses he will see it.

I am sorry that he is so mad at you for caring about him. All will be well, just hang in there :hug:

 

[zaniara]

I think you did the right thing, and it's so heartwarming to hear someone caring so much about someone else. If he doesn't want to deal with his PTSD he will probably get rid of you yes. But then again you would probably end up losing him anyway if he refuses to deal with it all- PTSD kills a lot of people. Joking about committing suicide would be a very sick thing to do, possibly manipulative.. But he was probably not joking, even if he ended up not doing it. Either way take care of you. You need to be loving to your self as well, if you don't show your self respect and love you won't be able to do anything good for him either. And you can not fix him. He can make a choice and seek help.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I guess I forgot to put in my initial post that after he claimed he was joking, he cut off all contact for over 24 hours. He wouldn't respond to emails, texts or answer his phone. I made a point of not overwhelming him with attempts to contact him. One email Sat night, one text Sun morning, and one phone call about Sun noon. I really wanted to try more because I was getting scared, but I didn't. Sun afternoon he finally replied after I sent a final text saying if he didn't let me know he was alive I was going to send the police over to do a welfare check on him.

It's a no-win situation for me. He was either serious about hurting himself or he is a complete a** for saying it in an effort to manipulate my feelings. Either scenario means he is not mentally ready for a relationship. I had already started working on detaching myself from his problems since they are not mine to solve until he threw in the suicide comment. I could not live with myself if I did nothing. At this point, as much as I care about him, even if he did come back I don't know if I could go back to him. Unless he starts getting some sort of therapy, this will all come back around again eventually. It's sad because when he isn't in his dark place, he is the most wonderful man I have ever met.

 

[memory]

Exactly, it's a no win situation...unless they want to get help. I've had to take a hard look at myself lately and wonder why I keep getting into the same situations of letting my emotions be run over by manipulative people. When you care about others it's easy to get sucked into their problems and forget to take care of yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if being compassionate about others isn't a bad thing.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Sometimes I wonder if being compassionate about others isn't a bad thing.

Admittedly, the compassionate people are setting themselves up to be used and hurt. It happens to me over and over. I think the trick is to set some boundaries for yourself and stick to them. I'm learning....although I sometimes kick myself for being a slow learner. Regardless, I won't change the fact that I want to be a good person and help people. The world needs more people that care, not fewer.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You did the right thing. I agree that he isn't ready for a relationship. Your actions could have very well kept him alive.

 

[memory]

You're right Snowangel... and I am working on myself now, a slow learner also. I think I just need to find other ways to help people. Getting into these types of relationships, do damage to both parties. But as I always say... appreciate someone who breaks your heart..they are the ones that let us know we still have one. some don't , and I wouldn't want to be one of them.

 

[scout86]

Better he's angry and embarrassed than dead. The first 2 you can get over. The last one, not so much.

 

[Badger]

Sometimes being good isn't the same thing as being nice. I was told that by an elder in my life that I really respect, and it sounds like you were put in the position of deciding whether to be good or be nice. Being good wins every time. You did the right thing Snowangel.