I'm editing all that out. I have a little kitty in my lap. I got her from a shelter and she herself is this little traumatized fluff of fur. I got her as a help and also as a de-persuasion from suicide because who would take care of my kitty who needs medication twice a day. You? would you like to give my kitty medication twice a day and an enema from time to time? ..didn't think so.
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Well Whatever
- Post starter heidi
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- #2
I think my main problem with this is that I've found over time that the only I can do is pull my mind away from the thing I can't help but to think about (in my experience). I always have to rip myself away from it. The challenge has been how to rip myself away from it and change my focus. Like others have said staying busy..busy days help to avoid thinking about it.
this is totally counter to my nature which is to process things and tidily file them.
Only with this it doesn't get processed. It's like if I try to insert it into the processer machine it breaks down the entire company function. Like at a factory if something foreign gets inside the processor and then all the lights start blinking and red arrows appear along with an evacuation alarm sounds. It's counter to my nature and I think the reason I keep thinking about it is because i want to process it as normal. Only anytime i get near any thoughts that are related to this the physical fall out is so intense.
Last night felt like a success because I was struggling and feeling as bad as a person could feel. I thought no way can I get away from this. I agreed to go for a bike ride with my bf and after an hour of biking, walking, talking.. low and behold I was feeling better. Only then I got home and it started again. Normally I just can't do that..tear myself away (and I do try) and so that felt like a success. Trust me normally it's never that easy.
It's also exhausting because then when I am finally feeling better I'll feel such peace and then it is a rollar coaster because again I get yanked into it all over again. So now I'm feeling a bit better and that's great. But it will happen again. Also I keep having this hope every time I start feel better that it's over now. And maybe I'll never feel that way again. I keep not losing that optimism and it fuels the exhausting process of being taken by this thing again..and again.
this is totally counter to my nature which is to process things and tidily file them.
Only with this it doesn't get processed. It's like if I try to insert it into the processer machine it breaks down the entire company function. Like at a factory if something foreign gets inside the processor and then all the lights start blinking and red arrows appear along with an evacuation alarm sounds. It's counter to my nature and I think the reason I keep thinking about it is because i want to process it as normal. Only anytime i get near any thoughts that are related to this the physical fall out is so intense.
Last night felt like a success because I was struggling and feeling as bad as a person could feel. I thought no way can I get away from this. I agreed to go for a bike ride with my bf and after an hour of biking, walking, talking.. low and behold I was feeling better. Only then I got home and it started again. Normally I just can't do that..tear myself away (and I do try) and so that felt like a success. Trust me normally it's never that easy.
It's also exhausting because then when I am finally feeling better I'll feel such peace and then it is a rollar coaster because again I get yanked into it all over again. So now I'm feeling a bit better and that's great. But it will happen again. Also I keep having this hope every time I start feel better that it's over now. And maybe I'll never feel that way again. I keep not losing that optimism and it fuels the exhausting process of being taken by this thing again..and again.
Lucycat
Sponsor
Poor kitty. Can you post a picture on here?
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I remember only too well how that big black hole feels. But congratulations on the bike ride. OK so you didn't continue to feel good afterwards, but a little reprieve helps.
Sorry you are feeling so bad. I remember only too well how that big black hole feels. But congratulations on the bike ride. OK so you didn't continue to feel good afterwards, but a little reprieve helps.
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- #4
drgnfl2078
Bronze Member
I think that is great about the kitty! My saving grace has been becoming a foster mom for a dog rescue group. I have 3 of my own dogs so it limits me to puppies that are under 16 weeks (damn my neighbors for complaining!) Anyways with them I'm usually so damn busy that I don't get time to think. I'm chasing after then tell them to stop chewing on electrical outlets or chewing on rocks, the couch, or whatever else is available! My house is a zoo but I've gotten better about having 1 week with a set of fosters then taking the next week off. And the off week is usually cleaning and bleaching the house. It is so rewarding and at the end of the night you fall down face down and blissfully sleep from exhaustion! Animals make great confidants too...you can tell them anything and they won't repeat it, make you feel bad for how you feel, and just love you. (((Heidi))) hang in there...your kitty appreciates you!
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- #6
thank you so much. I am so envious of your household. I know it probably is LOTS of work though. I'm not sure I would have the energy to keep up. My fantasy has always been to get space so I can do just that. Since I was little I would think about how much floor space I would need to house animals. And yeah.. dogs are great. I was never a so called cat person. I ended up getting a cat because it was all that was possible. She's great! but I've had to work really hard on not smothering her with attention. I can tell she really appreciates my efforts to tone down my affection. I long to have a dog. Hopefully someday. One of the things I've been doing the past year is going and hanging out at the animal shelter. I would volunteer but they have this really weird system at the place where I live. When I lived in another area I used to volunteer as a dog walker and it was the best thing on earth. I'm sure the people at this shelter think I'm crazy because go there all the time. It really helps though just being near the animals. And I love being in an environment where people are working to help animals. Well I sure am babbling..it's nice to think about something else. I get overly excited about this topic *perks up. Anyway, thanks a lot!! I really appreciate it. And thanks for saving animal friends.
Pets are wonderful. And staying busy can work sometimes, for a little while. But sooner or later we have to process the thoughts and feelings whirring around in our minds. A good clinical psychologist can help. But the ongoing challenge is how to get the things done each day that we need to get done to get our current needs met with the flow of intrusive thoughts and feelings making it so hard to focus. Exercise worked well for me. I would jog in the morning before going to work (indoors so I didn't hurt myself if I wandered off in the thoughts and feelings). All the thoughts and feelings would be going full speed at the start. After a couple of miles my focus would begin to shift to what I was doing and what I expected to do that day. The endorphines made me very positive. The good feeling and focus on current stuff would generally last me to mid-afternoon, so I learned to get everything important done earlier in the day. From mid-afternoon on my ability to focus on current stuff went downhill, but it was ok because I had already got the important stuff done. I just did what I could later in the day and now and then made a note of some of the intruduing thoughts and feelings to discuss with my therapist and didn't beat myself up. Evenings were non-productive, but the exercise and getting up early made it easy to sleep most of the time.
I still like exercise. It makes me feel good and helps me process the intrusive thoughts and feelings and refocus on my current situation. The jogging, since I turned 65, seems to be too demanding on my system, so I have switched to bike riding in the summer and eliptical jogging machines in the winter.
Ted
I still like exercise. It makes me feel good and helps me process the intrusive thoughts and feelings and refocus on my current situation. The jogging, since I turned 65, seems to be too demanding on my system, so I have switched to bike riding in the summer and eliptical jogging machines in the winter.
Ted
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- #8
Hey Ted,
I find your post very interesting because it's an example of how someone has learned to manage to work with this or around this. I have difficulty understanding how anyone can live with this. I almost just want to ask.. how does anyone manage. Let alone having a productive life.
When you said exercise I was thinking that repetitive and high adrenaline exercise might provide too good of an opportunity for thought. Then I saw that you said this used to be the case but you worked past it. When I go for walks these days I often end up crying and angry. I like that you found a time a day to do it (early) so that you could think about your day. I think that's great you figured that out for yourself. I know I don't always end up in tears when I walk. Maybe I can figure out when and when isn't a good time to go. And I'm really enjoying bike riding so far. Better then walking for some reason. Maybe because I've been a walker my whole life and I had always used walking as a time when I could process things.
Anyway, thanks for sharing how you manage to live. You're a hero to me for managing.
I find your post very interesting because it's an example of how someone has learned to manage to work with this or around this. I have difficulty understanding how anyone can live with this. I almost just want to ask.. how does anyone manage. Let alone having a productive life.
When you said exercise I was thinking that repetitive and high adrenaline exercise might provide too good of an opportunity for thought. Then I saw that you said this used to be the case but you worked past it. When I go for walks these days I often end up crying and angry. I like that you found a time a day to do it (early) so that you could think about your day. I think that's great you figured that out for yourself. I know I don't always end up in tears when I walk. Maybe I can figure out when and when isn't a good time to go. And I'm really enjoying bike riding so far. Better then walking for some reason. Maybe because I've been a walker my whole life and I had always used walking as a time when I could process things.
Anyway, thanks for sharing how you manage to live. You're a hero to me for managing.
Hi Heidi,
I suffer from ongoing suicidal ideation and bouts of deep depression so thankfully I have 2 of the most diligent, caring, and entertaining Mutt and Jeff doggies I could ever ask for. However, I am not a fan of exercise but I am a walker that has a tendency to dissociate and can easily end up doing the crying thing too if I don't stay grounded. I use my dogs to talk to and stay focused on where I am and feeling the ground beneath my feet. I love to go at my favorite time of the day :) when it's cool, quiet, and I feel like I can breathe.
I think you have some great ideas going. If riding a bike is the thing for you that's great!
I think the important thing is that you do what you feel like you can without feeling like more than is reasonable but is still a goal to reach for, not an "all or nothing". You are not alone with these symptoms, that is what they are, each one can be dealt with individually, at least that's how I'm looking at them. I try to not look at it as whole, it's way too much.
peace and
light
Rain
I suffer from ongoing suicidal ideation and bouts of deep depression so thankfully I have 2 of the most diligent, caring, and entertaining Mutt and Jeff doggies I could ever ask for. However, I am not a fan of exercise but I am a walker that has a tendency to dissociate and can easily end up doing the crying thing too if I don't stay grounded. I use my dogs to talk to and stay focused on where I am and feeling the ground beneath my feet. I love to go at my favorite time of the day :) when it's cool, quiet, and I feel like I can breathe.
I think you have some great ideas going. If riding a bike is the thing for you that's great!
I think the important thing is that you do what you feel like you can without feeling like more than is reasonable but is still a goal to reach for, not an "all or nothing". You are not alone with these symptoms, that is what they are, each one can be dealt with individually, at least that's how I'm looking at them. I try to not look at it as whole, it's way too much.
peace and
light
Rain
- Post starter
- #10
Hi Srain,
thank you! I really think getting a dog pal would help me tremendously. I am think I need an animal that's as needy as I am. I am thinking I should rearranging my life so that this is a possibility for me. As far as walking is concerned it's one of the things I've always done and it's always been a love of mine. If I could take a dog walking I think that would be beneficial too. The more I'm thinking about that the more it makes sense. Like if I have a hard time on a walk I could give my dog a little pet. Poor dog. He should probably get paid for that. Ha.
And you're right I'm too ambitious with this stupid..god I'd like to swear..disorder. It sort of hurts me in the end because it's just not that easy and I do kind of look at the re-occurrences as a failure. I still think I'm going to get totally better and healed and be just as I was before. Another thing with the suicide idealization is.. I just don't know if it's worth living such a stupid life where I try so hard not to experience what I experience and just have a moments peace.
Also I'm wondering for anyone.. how often do people experience peace? When I say I'm being ambitious it's not even all that ambitious. All I want is peace. I get those moments very rarely. I strive for those moments and it's just sad how few and far between they are.
thank you! I really think getting a dog pal would help me tremendously. I am think I need an animal that's as needy as I am. I am thinking I should rearranging my life so that this is a possibility for me. As far as walking is concerned it's one of the things I've always done and it's always been a love of mine. If I could take a dog walking I think that would be beneficial too. The more I'm thinking about that the more it makes sense. Like if I have a hard time on a walk I could give my dog a little pet. Poor dog. He should probably get paid for that. Ha.
And you're right I'm too ambitious with this stupid..god I'd like to swear..disorder. It sort of hurts me in the end because it's just not that easy and I do kind of look at the re-occurrences as a failure. I still think I'm going to get totally better and healed and be just as I was before. Another thing with the suicide idealization is.. I just don't know if it's worth living such a stupid life where I try so hard not to experience what I experience and just have a moments peace.
Also I'm wondering for anyone.. how often do people experience peace? When I say I'm being ambitious it's not even all that ambitious. All I want is peace. I get those moments very rarely. I strive for those moments and it's just sad how few and far between they are.
blueangel371115
Platinum Member
My peace comes and goes. My dog is a great help. He keeps me grounded.
If the dog in your picture is your puppy, he/she is adorable!!! Dogs are such wonderful companions.
Spero
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